Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

[PlaygroundSusie]

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

You sound like a really horrible friend. A childfree persons life isn't "frivolous and unmeaningful", nor is it without responsibilities. The fact you'd view whatever your friend is feeling as something "trivial" just because it doesn't align with where your life is right now is really sad. Regardless of whats going on in my life (and its not all frivolous and trivial because I don't have children), I'd never not want to hear my friends new.. what sort of a friend are you?

@TipsyCoralOtter if you read my other posts you will see it was decades (!) ago and I overwhelmed I felt at the time. I was trying to show to the OP how, with the benefit of hindsight, I felt as a mum. There may be alerts going on with the friend that the OP isn’t aware of (husband issues, anxiety, depression) that is why the friend is acting as she is.

I just said "No probs" (honestly, I was too frustrated to write anything longer).

You couldn't say anything else, @PlaygroundSusie !

Now it's up to her to reach out with a palatable suggestion if she wants to see you. You've done your best to accommodate her.

That's sad to hear. I can't fathom how these husbands just go along with it, and allow their wives to effectively shut them out of parenting. If I was a bloke, that would be a dealbreaker.

While you have subsequently posted trying to explain what you meant, your first post really did not make that clear.

You have since said that that was how you were feeling but you didn't say that, now you've reflected on it, you realise it was a "you" issue because of what you had going on and not a fair or kind way to think about your friend. You didn't at any point clarify that you don't think like that now, so of course people would assume that was still your view.

If you ascribe values like "frivolous" and "trivial" to someone else's life choices its understandable people will pick you up on it. Not to mention preachy, unnecessary comments like "there are so many sacrifices you have to make"
A - duh even childfree people realise that parenting involves sacrifices
B - many childfree people ALSO have to make sacrifices.

You also said things like "what do you want to talk to her about that doesn't involve children?" Which is just a bizarre question (because surely the answer is completely obvious, they are very close friends so OP is entitled to talk to her about everything and anything, she doesnt have to justify it with world shattering personal news) and is hard to interpret any other way than "nothing else is worth talking about".

Same with "have you ever thought she might not want to hear all your news?" Again, asking OP to put herself in friends position (fair enough) but making no allowance for the fact that OP has spent SEVEN years listening to child related news that she almost definitely did not really want or care about.

Tl;Dr if you are going to make a post using how you felt during a similar period in your own life as an example, if you no longer feel that way and recognise your feelings were unfair or unreasonable, you need to say so, otherwise people will, reasonably, assume you do still feel that way and hold those values. And if the way you felt was, tbh, pretty unpleasant and judgy, they are entitled to say so.

That sounds like an interesting book! I actually do have a partner, but being childfree I completely get that feeling of living a non-traditional life.

@PlaygroundSusie Laziness perhaps? In my friend's case, her DH does spend time with their children, he just doesn't take them anywhere on his own... which might suit him!

It's a shame though, my DH has enjoyed some of our children's activities and spending time alone with them. Just as I have as well.

It could partly be from laziness. But partly because they don't want to rock the boat, I suspect.

Ha, knew it! It clearly isn't a case of "let's do what's best for the kids and as an adult it's easier for you to accommodate them than vice versa" but "let's do exactly what I and MY KIDS want and what is most convenient for us and fuck everyone else, whether they also have kids or not."
I bet your other friends with kids offered to meet somewhere completely child appropriate but was either slightly out of her way or just not what she or her kids fancied. And if they got a reply as fucking smug and twatty as the "So, the playground it is – LOL!” one you got no wonder they cba with her!

Wrt to the picking the friendship back up in a few years -I didn't specify but I always meant that this was if it was beneficial for you to do so. So no suggestion you should come running as soon as she beckoned - if its at the point where you think "tbh I've got so much going in, mew friends etc I'm not going to make the effort to go and see her, lets draw a line and think of the good times we had in the past but draw a line under the friendship itself as something that has had its time" then fair enough. But if you thought "actually yeah wouldn't mind catching up, as long as she was willing to come to me/meet somewhere convenient" then not to say no just because she was a pita ten years ago - to cut off your nose to spite your face as it were. Basically do whatever is right for you, if and when that happens.

As a complicating factor, my (former?) friend has a birthday next week. We normally send birthday cards to each other. I'm still inclined to do that this year - but after that, might just let things fizzle.

Yes let it fizzle.

Friendships come and go, when priorities change and one or the other becomes inflexible it really is best not to over analyse and just let it drift.

Yes, this is exactly what happened with at least one mutual friend! She suggested a catch-up at a restaurant (with a kids menu), and my friend refused because "her kids aren't too keen on restaurants because they can't run around, and can we meet at the playground instead?" Mutual friend got really shirty at that!

For goodness sake her kids are 3 & 7 it’s not too much to expect them to sit down in a restaurant. There’s something odd about her approach, is it child-led parenting to some kind of extreme?!!

At some point one of her friends will snap and tell her that the world doesn't revolve around her kids preferences. Or they'll just quietly drop her and she'll be left wondering what happened. Because people like this are clueless.