Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

[PlaygroundSusie]

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

God she sounds boring! I was a lone parent for 9 years (father not involved) and often had to see my friends with DS in tow because I had no childcare but always made an effort to get babysitters and also arrange child free meetings. I'd find her approach very tedious.

its very odd. What about socialising when the kids have gone to bed?
even if she doesn’t have a partner a glass of wine at hers after the kids have gone to bed is surely doable?

she sounds a bit crackers tbh.

yeah I socialise with my kids with other friends who have kids!!! But also socialise without the kids, whether or not those people have their own kids.

Me too. It's not like you are expecting her to go with you to the bar every night. Mums need a break. Motherhood is relentless and a day out with out kids is great. I wonder if she thinks being a martyr makes her a perfect mum

This would drive me nuts. You can’t catch up properly with friends when you’re minding kids and I can totally see why your friend wants to meet at child friendly places. Much easier to have the kids happy in a playground rather than bored and moaning in a cafe.

I would arrange to meet her when the children are in bed in future. Either at her house or at a bar/restaurant. Just say sorry I’m only available after 8pm for meet ups and she can agree or not see you

Agree it’s OTT. I adore my kids but love doing stuff without them too.! Sometimes it just makes sense to leave them at home or with their dad!

Why don't you meet her in the evenings? I also am loathed to give up weekend day with my kids for child free time but love actually talking to my friends, so meet them in the pub once children are in bed. Or I'd meet somewhere kid friendly that is also aimed at adults like a nature walk.

I would have been the parent in this scenario and I really think she is out of line—she may not know it but she is. Just tell her you don’t want to double date with the kids. She can find a babysitter or host you after bedtime.

Msg back ‘what time will you be there? I’ll meet you at the cafe an hour or so later when they are tired/hungry’

Not unreasonable at all OP! I’m a new mum with a 7 month old. None of my closest friends have children and I cherish the time I spend with them alone and always plan to see them in the evening so I can get an adult dinner. DH is great and more than happy to trade my night out for one of his own. I have “mum friends” that I see with other babies, but really that’s more for my son than myself. I’d just be honest and say you’d like to spend some quality time with her and maybe book something in the evening.

Jeez. Sounds awful. Coming from someone who has two DC (3.5 and 1), and who has taken a career break to be at home with them, I'd never expect my child free friends to come to kid stuff with us, and child free lunches are a regular occurrence. Tell her straight you'd like to see her without her children.

That would drive me mad the older mine have got the less i like to be around little ones.
There irritating and annoying.
Them days are over for me and I would not want it around me when im having a grownup met up.

Is she in an abusive relationship where she isn’t allowed people over to the house or to go out without the kids? The not wanting to socialise without them bit is weird by itself but why can’t she have you over for a glass of wine once the kids are in bed? I’d be really worried if this was coming from a friend of mine.

I used to be in the same position as you. My friend would always suggest child friendly places to meet up when I was child free. I resented paying to go to the zoo etc when I didn't really want to go. I went along as it was the only way I could see and chat with my friend. Her husband worked shifts and was unable to help most of the time.

I am now a single parent to my dc who is 3 and 6 years younger than her two and we have similar issues still but this time it is how to keep different age groups entertained. However we try to do a couple of evenings a year when my family can babysit so we can have a child free catch up. Tell your friend that you would like a child free catch up sometime while her partner babysits. Even if you have to plan it months in advance. My friend and I actually managed a child free day trip to Ikea and meal out on one day so anything is possible.

"There is only so many times I can stand in a playground! Maybe another time!"

* She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young.*
she sounds boring af, does she never go out with her partner/DH/DW?
How twee.

Doeak up.
Surely you have grown up things to do in day time?
"Hey i am actually busy in the day time. Why dont we book a cinema evening if their dad can baby sit? We can get a drink before and chat."

YANBU
She sounds selfish and way OTT
The fact you're childfree is a red herring as most parents would rather catch up with a friend for a proper conversation
Of course time with children is important to her, but so should your friendship be
I have 3 sons and there were times I was desperate for adult conversation even though I had a DH at the time!
Is she a single parent? Or has a job where she can't spend much time with them?
Could you suggest going to hers after Dc are in bed?
Friendship is a two way street

Oh God. I would be very nice but firm. Just approach it first just say "next time can we meet for a coffee on X day without the kids if you dont mind". If she doesn't take the hint I would just say you are unable to make it to if she suggests the playground.

If its any consultation I'm a mum also and even I would rather meet friends whilst the kids are at school. Never happens though it's all about the DC for some mums!

You are friends so it should be fair for both of you ie take it in turns- child venue then non child venue. I have a child and I can’t think of anything worse- I need time away with friends to be just me not mum me. She is being selfish & borish. Speak up for yourself

“I’ve decided I need to cherish my other friends while I can, before they have kids”.

I agree with the previous poster that she will be very unpleasant if you tell it to her straight.

Do you end up treating them financially?

To be honest I would only agree to go to her house. Playgrounds are hell and one of the perks of not having children is that you don't have to go to them!

Perfect.

I would plan to meet in the evenings when the kids are in bed - providing she has a partner at home, or grandparents that can come over?

I don’t understand people who never want a bit of me time!

Is she a single parent?

I also think I’d be honest and say something like, ‘As you know, I’ve come along to the park and soft play many times as this is what you’ve always wanted to do but to be honest it’s not all that fun for me as it’s difficult for us to have much of a conversation. I think time we switched things up a bit and did something different. Can we meet in X pub for a drink?’