Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

[PlaygroundSusie]

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

She's a twat. I would bin her

Invite her for drinks or dinner? Something at night and definitely grown up. I have two kids and I never wanted to socialise with my kids all the time. I looked forward to my quality time with friends and family. If she says no then you will know where you stand, in which case I would meet up with her less. Sad but I don’t think there is much else you can do.

I like this response. It’s polite and direct.

Could you text “no thanks but I’ll see you in the cafe after the kids have finished playing.” And add a LOL at the end like she did?

YANBU

Problem with inviting her for drinks or dinner is what if she brings the children? It would need to be somewhere that definitely doesn’t let children in.

I would be exhausted and I have 2 children. Tell her you prefer to have an adult catch up. I don’t bring my children when I meet my friends unless specified beforehand.

I am a mother and find this weird AF!

Your friend seems bonkers. It seems you have gone out of your way to accommodate her needs but she is oblivious to everything. Sorry OP but she sounds selfish and lacking in self-awareness not to mention, boring!
I would suggest an evening dinner or film : theatre (somewhere she can't bring kids) and see how that goes. If it's a no from her, then I think the friendship has run its course. It's completely one sided right now.
I think you must be an amazing friend to put up with that nonsense for so long!!
Go and enjoy your life without her!

I've been in the same position many times as the 'child-free friend.' The end IS in sight really - her kids won't be little forever, so it might be a case of 'grin and bear it' to some extent. However, I think I'd try to be direct with the friend that now and then it'd be nice to do something where you could chat properly.

You haven’t said whether your friend has a partner or childcare, so it may be that she has no option but to bring her children along with her. That’s understandable, but it’s equally understandable that you don’t always want to meet at play parks and zoos etc.

Talk to each other and find a balance. The relationship you have with your friend seems a bit unequal. Why is she making all the decisions? If you are honest with her, can you find a compromise? :-)

"I don't think I have the playground in me today LOL, I'll give it a miss this time. Do you fancy a take away some evening?"

I adore my kids, I wouldn't dream of doing this to a friend.

I'd say, I"I don't fancy hanging out with loads of kid, but I can pop over to yours. Or even better we can go to the pub, just me and you?"

Is she maybe thinking that you actually want to meet her kids just as much as meeting her? Ie picking places where you “have the best chance to interact with them”?

You’re clear that you’re wanting to meet up with her, but she may be thinking that you are wanting to meet up with the whole family. (I mean I’m sure you’re fond of the kids but she’s your friend. She may not be distinguishing between herself and her kids).

Just tell her that the venue doesn’t work for you but when she fancies the café let you know.

God fuuuuck that. It’s a bit much OP. You’re not really catching up with your friend then. Suggest something that the kids clearly can’t come to x

I would be trying to meet her in the evening. In the pub/ restaurant if she has a partner/ childcare or round her house to have a glass of wine once they're in bed. How do you think she would respond to this?

I think you should be honest with your friend and tell her that you don't enjoy the constant child centred meet-ups. Push back and say that although kids want playground you'd prefer the cafe 1st and maybe playground later.

It could be your friend doesn't realise that you're fed up. The type of meet-up you describe are fairly standard in the "parent crowd". But we all have kids and additional children often make it easier for the parents to chat and catch up as they distract each other.

YANBU at all. At that age, actually way before, I left the DC with dad and went out.

“I think I’ve done my share of playground duty. LOL. Any chance we could get together sometime just you and me?”

It sounds as though she sees you as childcare, us she struggling? The wanting to enjoy every minute thing sounds as though she's over compensating. I don't trust many others to care for my children but I know time to not have to be 'on duty' makes me enjoy family time MORE and is part of keeping balanced.

Her message about her kid preferring to meet you at the playground so ‘playground it is, LOL’ is rude as fuck.

Also:

She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young

🤢 I have children and this is so OTT.

I’d totally stop bothering. She’s boring and she’s selfish. Maybe reconnect when she’s less child (self) centred.

Not at all unreasonable and I have kid. Tell her you want a kid free evening out. If she doesn't want too I'd probably cool off.

Does she ever go out or have people round in the evening? Surely that's the answer.

I had a similar ish scenario where I felt I was constantly being asked along by a friend to act like a second parent role rather than at a time when we could have hung out properly. In the end I emailed her after another day out and said while it had been lovely to see her and the kids, I felt like we never got time to catch up properly any more so perhaps next time we could do something when her partner had the boys. We did spend less time together after that as I think she rightly or wrongly took it that I was fed up with doing the playgrounds etc (I actually didn’t mind! Just wanted a better mix) but what time we do spend together tends to be more tilted towards us doing something rather than the kids doing something and me graciously invited to help!