Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

[PlaygroundSusie]

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

Sometimes I think it's time to just say what you need to say. A true friend will be OK with that. Go to the bloody playground, then tell her exactly what you've said here. You don't mind going to kids play places occasionally, but you don't get time for a proper chat with her, and that's really why you want to meet up. Tell her what works best for you and 'so that's why I'm going to suggest cafes and meet up at home - I love your kids but I also want a bit of space to enjoy your company.'
Unfortunately I think you'll end up dropping these meet ups. I went through something very similar with a mate with kids when I was young and just stopped seeing her because she refused to go anywhere that wasn't primarily for children. I thought that was rude and inconsiderate.

Oh god I couldn't cope with this.. does she never socialise without her kids at all?!!

I have two kids, ages 3 and 5, but I'm with you! All of my friends have kids and we still meet up without them.

Childfree time is really important too and it sounds like you have made lots of compromises to maintain this friendship.

Is she a single parent? If so, then I understand where she is coming from a bit more as babysitters make it more expensive and complicated. If Dad is around then she is being completely unreasonable.

'Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?'

Yes they should! I am also childfree and I feel for you. I would be seriously losing patience with her, and her kids, dictating every single aspect of your meet ups. I would also find it really frustrating that she won't ever meet up with you without the kids.

How would it feel to tell her what you've told us - that it's much easier to actually have a meaningful conversation with her when you meet at her house, and that you would like to do this next time? I really don't think you should be expected to suffer through soft play every single time! You're supposed to be her friend, not her kids' babysitter

It seems a bit mean of her to be so keen to cherish her children that she can't spare 2 hours every so often to see you alone. Yes childhood is short but friendships are important too.
It looks to me like she actually wants help entertaining her children over meeting you for your own sake. Sorry. Are you a better friend to her than she is to you? What happens if you suggest an evening out when kids are in bed with their dad or a babysitter?

I’m a mother of two and I couldn’t stand this at all!!

But prepare to be offended. Kids or no kids she shouldn’t dictate your free time. I am a very dedicated mother but I meet my close friend alone and we have a proper catch up and laugh in a pub or similar.

It sounds like she wants to meet but hates being at home and enjoys the help you offer.

What about going to hers after bedtime?

'Hi, yep I know the kids prefer the park but we won't get any time to talk?'

Wow that's ridiculous!

Does she have a partner?

She won't ever socialise without a 7 and 3 year old? I think you're going above and beyond to tolerate that at all, let alone then being dragged to softplay or a playground or whatever. By all means say something - it's worth a try - but I think she's communicating how low priority friendship is to her and that you shouldn't be expected to put in all this effort long-term.

Just reply, “I really don’t want to go to a playground. Happy to come to yours though instead but no worries if that won’t work. We can try for a different day.”

You have 3 options:

1. invite her out for a drink in the evening / to the cinema / the meal where is it completely obvious that’s it’s just for the two of you. If she then says “but I can’t come at 8pm to the pub, DS is in bed and DD is doesn’t like the wine bar vibe (or words to that effect)” you say “I was thinking it would be just us, that would be nice” and that’s your opening.

2. you tell it to her straight

3. suck it up.

i would go for option 1!

I'd have some sympathy if she had no childcare, we don't have much, but this isn't fair on you. You don't need to only socialise with your kids to cherish them and I don't blame you for reaching your limit.

I'd be honest with her that you'd like to spend some time adult only. Would seeing her while her kids are at an activity work logistically?

Your friend is being unreasonable. Does she have a partner or babysitters? I’d suggest a time when they’re doing something else, somewhere else, but some parents are like this with friends and dragging children or friends along to something no one enjoys. It’s find if you actually want to go to the event and/or help out.

The mothers of kids I know locally bite my hand off to come out with childfree friends to a local posh cinema to see a film with a glass of wine or two or for a drink/meal. And not to have to talk about their DC (lovely though they are!).

Perfect.

You just have to be upfront as her behaviour is a bit odd.

I think any attempts to "tell her straight" will lead to unpleasantness.
How tactful you try to be won't matter.

So really I'd let the friendship drift. If you don't want to do this, then just go on with these miserable child-centred activities, and enjoy them without complaint!

Even if she does have childcare issues, a cafe and walk is a kid friendly option for you to suggest - it sounds like she just wants you to tag along to their activities to help out. She's being really unfair.

I'd either speak to her about it or just start declining - 'don't have the energy for a playground, let me know next time you're free to go to the cafe'.

If she's a single mum, then you could suggest coming over to help with dinner and bathtime, then you can catch up once the kids are in bed. I would find it very annoying in your shoes to always meet at kiddie venues.

I can understand when kids are tiny, it cab be logistically difficult to be away from them (breastfeeding, separation anxiety when they are too young to understand that you're coming back) but how the fuck have you put up with this for 7 whole years!?!

I think her behaviour is terrible especially her text which is directly saying your preferences don't matter at all to her.

A friendship is give and take at times and compromise at times. But your friendship is now entirely on her terms 100% of the time and that's not healthy.

It's fine for working parents to cherish the time spent wirh their kids, but no one (literally no one) has high quality time wirh their kids 100% of the time they're awake. Popping out for coffee for an hour without them will make literally no difference to anything.

Her kids are young enough to be going to bed fairly early as well so why can't she see you in the evening?

I'd suggest going out for a late meal or drinks, and if she can't if her other half works evenings then suggest you go round and have a takeaway when they're in bed.

If she says no I think you have to just take a step back or accept that's how it is until the kids are a bit older. I'd phrase it as you love her kids and enjoy seeing them but you also enjoy her company when she isn't busy parenting and you really miss the adult chats. You understand her kids are her absolute priority and that's how it should be but you'd love a proper adult catch up every so often somewhere grown up for a change. If that's offensive to her then I think you have to accept that people change and she is happy to have no life outside kids even for long standing friends.

My only disclaimer is if she has no family help, no money for a babysitter and if her husband is absolutely crap (can't or won't look after the kids himself) then she might be completely stuck and making crap up about how she doesn't want yo be without the kids, to cover that she actually can't be. But I'd think that's unlikely given her text which shows she doesn't give a shit about meeting you outside of a playground

She's not catching up with you. She's requisitioning another pair of hands/eyes to care for her children.

I'd be done with this. She's a user.

Is she a lone parent?

They aren't babies. Suggest an evening out instead.

The issue isn't the venue, it's the kids being there. If you meet without those entertaining venues, there will be even more distraction from the kids. If you don't want to see her with the kids that's fine, maybe she will agree to meet without then, or you drift apart and revert in 5 years or so.

Can't you ever go out for drinks or something when they're in bed?

Really sorry, but I couldn't be close friends with somebody so boring and lacking in self-awareness and identity.
Of course you don't want to be meeting at kiddie venues, and I'm surprised you've put up with it for this long!

It's a shame as I think in the long run kids actually do benefit from their close family having personalities and lives of their own rather than total devotion.