Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

[PlaygroundSusie]

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

God almighty, childhood isn't so short that she can't spare a few hours once a month. I don't think it's good for children (or anyone really) to be the central attraction all the time either. I think you might have to reconsider this friendship because she's obviously got some strange ideas/issues. It sounds boring as fuck.

Fuck that. I'd have put my foot down before now. Well done for sticking with it for so long. Just be honest "Actually, you know I"m fond of XXX and XXX but I'd rather not do a playground or somewhere that will mean we spend most of the time facilitating the kids playing, I really want to catch up with YOU. Can we do a cafe? Or yours? Or maybe supper one night sans kids? And then maybe we can take them out another time?"

She's not doing her kids any favours actually. If they don't get taken to places where they have to occasionally NOT be the priority and shut up and let the grown ups talk, they will become spoilt and difficult to socialise. Not sure how that would go down with her but it's something she should be considering.

To echo the majority- your friend is being a rude at best, a complete knob at worst.

She is using you for childcare. I love children but even when my DS was small and I was a single parent I enjoyed being with my child free friends.

I would just knock this friendship on the head. You are getting nothing out of it.

Wow I think this is the first time I’ve seen a post where the vote is 💯 OP is not being unreasonable!!

I had a friend like this - I'm childfree too. I'm used to kids, have nieces/nephews/godchildren who I'm happy to spend time with.

After the 4th or 5th softplay and quite a few meet ups where some of her mum friends (who I didn't know!) were also there I asked if we could perhaps do a childfree early evening meet up. Her husband was happy to be left with the kids. We managed this once, she lasted an hour before she 'had' to get home.

I stopped bothering tbh and not seen her in years. This was a close friendship of over 15 years at the time and I'd always made an effort. I've got plenty of other friends with kids who still manage to keep in touch/ arrange things so it's not me!

This friendship might’ve run its course.

Ask her to meet you in a wine bar, theatre or similar one evening and you’ll find out.

Unless the dad is not on the scene and she genuinely has zero babysitters, there’s no reason for her to say no. Other than, she’s just not that bothered about you unless you’re fitting neatly into her schedule.

Yeah OP suggest meeting at a nice cocktail bar in town…see what she says?
@PlaygroundSusie

In a year this will change completely when the youngest goes to school

So just wait til then and go out for lunch

It’s unreasonable every time and her reply back acting as if the kids have total say on the meeting is bizarre?

Me and my son have days out to exhibitions or places like national parks and my friends may join us but it’s not an entirely child centric day. I also wouldn’t class these as catch ups as such, rather days out. I love spending time with them alone as you say to actually catch up and have adult conversation. It really isn’t the same with kids in tow. Yes they grow up fast but not so fast you can’t spare an hour every few weeks to also give your best friend some time too.

I would tell her and explain, as people have said if she’s such a longstanding friend you should be able to voice something that’s bothered you for years with no end in sight.

YANBU. Cancel, tell her you’ll see her some other time. That’s super annoying.

Also child free and you're not being unreasonable at all. Kid oriented venues are horrible, loud, obnoxious and not somewhere most people would choose to spend their time given the choice. I would tell her you can't keep doing it and there needs to be room for compromise or you will be seeing less of each other. Life is too short to be dealing with that.

It’s strange she doesn’t want any time away from being a mum to enjoy her friendships. I’d understand more if she was a single parent. Sort of. But I was one and loved having a friend over after bedtime to have a glass of wine. She has a husband so she could leave the house to do that!
It does sound like she is using you a bit to help her on days with the kids.
I would say you’ve seen a good deal on Wowcher for cheap cocktails or something, and wouldn’t it be nice for her to leave the kids with their dad one evening for a proper catch up. If she shoots you down I’d maybe just fizzle out the friendship until the kids are older (if at all) x

I have 3 children and a few child free friends. I would never expect them to meet me in playgrounds and children’s festivals. You need to have this conversation and child free catch ups .

@wronginalltherightways

because she doesn’t want to miss a moment! They’re only little once and the kids come first

Why can’t you go over for a takeaway when they are in bed? Or if she has a partner go out once they are in bed? I have two children I like to spend time with but also enjoy adult only time (which I do once they are asleep or at least getting ready for bed). I don’t really get a me time during the daytime as I work full time and then want to see them.

I would be a little bit clever about it if I was you. Her eldest is 7 she deserves a night off/out! Plus that way she meets you in the middle. She definitely needs time for her. But she isn’t thinking about you. Plus it’s really hard to have a conversation when children are needing assistance etc.

OP, I think your friend is telling you she doesn't want to give up any of her time to 'catching up' with you. She'll see you while she is accomplishing a more important aim, such as taking the children out to play.

Lol. Shes taking the piss & knows your good for an extra pair of hands

I thought you were going to say soft play ect where the kids can run off & shes free to chat but a petting zoo? You should have said no at the time

Just wait until you have your own kids & hers are both in school & watch her declare shes over those days & she'll just visit at home/wait for you to come to her.

A couple of my friends lost the plot when they had kids, we all had them in mid thirties so a similar time. They both became very dull and would talk of nothing except their children. We are close and in empty nest stage now, one is really suffering. It’s almost like my friends ceased to exist for a few years.

@Mmmm19 second this post.take away once children are in bed is a good idea.

Well then she shouldn’t be surprised to find herself friendless and at a loose end in a few years time when her DC no longer want or need her to trail around the playground after them.

That sounds really annoying. I’ve got children and don’t particularly cherish catch ups with friends when my/their children are in tow. Massively distracted, no one ever finishes a conversation.

Also, my tolerance level for my own DC is a lot higher than it is with other people’s children 😂 Some of my friends have really irritating kids and I’m sure mine bug them too!!

I have DC and this wouldn't work for me. I don't think we'd stay friends, especially if I felt like she was using me as an extra pair of hands over catching up with a friend.

Yes, this is quite possible. It’s important to invest in people who invest in you. Does this friend invest in you? Or just allow you to tag along on her other plans.

Make plans with some other friends.

I'm child-free and this wouldn't be for me at all, sorry not sorry. Child-friendly venues look like absolute hell from the outside and a perk of being child-free is that I don't have to set foot in them. Happy to meet at parent friends' houses but it's a hard no to playgrounds, soft plays etc.

None of my parent friends would be remotely offended because I was very vocal about all of this, and about how I'd never have children and the reasons why, way before they had kids themselves.

I would just say no to meeting anywhere you don't enjoy on the grounds of it being "a bit much".