Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

[PlaygroundSusie]

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

I would decline and take a step back tbh.

YANBU. Mine are 7, 5 and 3 and I would not expect my childless friends to meet at child-friendly places every time. Playgrounds are dull enough when it’s my own children, no way I’m expecting my friends who don’t have kids to have to endure them! (The playgrounds, not the kids). You sound like you’re being more than reasonable suggesting meeting at her house- it’s not like you’re suggesting the kids can’t be there at all. That last message would irritate me so much- ‘the kids want to do X, so X it is ha ha!’.

This is ridiculous.

If see childfree friends when I have to bring mine I usually suggest something like a walk on the beach and a coffee. Kids are safe to run around and we can chat. Obviously, it’s not an adult occasion, but I would never expect somebody to want to hang out in playgrounds for fun.

Its tricky if you have kids with you, it definitely doesn't work going somewhere and expecting a 7 & a 3 year old to sit bored for ages while you both chat and ignore them.

But my kids are similar age, and i just arrange to meet friends without my kids, usually in the evenings when they are in bed. Its not reasonable to expect you to only ever meet her with the children in tow at a soft play.

She's using you. I'd let the friendship slide

You are being unreasonable to not stick to your first suggestion.
How hard is it to say, "No, the coffee shop it is this time. I'm sick of playgrounds. We can always go for a big run and play after our coffee. Surely your kids can sit and have a Babyccino. We'll do playgounds next catch up."

Agree with a PP, text along the lines of ‘I really don’t fancy going to a playground again, it’s so hard to catch up properly there anyway. If you do fancy cafe and a walk sometime then let me know.’ She may be offended- that’s up to her- you have done this for long enough, and you aren’t there to provide help with childcare. If she wants to take the kids to the playground- she can, but she needs to decide if she also wants to prioritise finding time to meet you too- that’s not on you.

Is their Dad around? I'd suggest a night out instead, kids that age go to bed pretty early so you could meet at 7:30pm for food and drinks.

I'd be pissed off with this tbh, it's full on having little kids but you can't expect everyone to mould their plans around them.

I wasn't even a single parent but that's what I did all the time when DS was little. Bath him early so he's all cosy for nice pals turning up, they get a wee play and he'd usually ask for them to do stories, I'd get the pasta on or the takeaway ordered, DS asleep, wine open.

I am incredibly lucky that a lot of my friends seem to actually like my kid but it's not compulsory, you know? They're my friends, not his.

OP can you suggest an evening meet-up like the above?

I think the fact you don't have children is a red herring here, OP.

You could just as easily have children and still want to have quality time to talk with a friend without children around - I'm a parent but I wouldn't feel valued by a friend who insists I can only ever see her on her terms like this.

She might have no idea how you feel though, so I'd tell her and at least give her a chance to understand. She might simply think that you enjoy seeing her with the children and if you've been grinning and bearing this for a while, she might have no idea you're not happy with the status quo.

Is she a single parent?

If you value the friendship and want it to last beyond the young child years, i wouldn't 'tell her straight'.

If she's able to leave the kids in the evening i'd start pushing for a meal out together after bed time.

If she's a single parent i'd push hard for meeting up at hers and helping with bedtime maybe and bringing a bottle and going halves on a take away.

When my older 3 were little my best mate had 3 also and neither of us could stand taking 6 kids out !! So for a few years we'd leave the kids with their dads and meet up evenings only more or less until the youngest of our kids was 7 or 8 and old enough to not be pestering when we went out as a group of 8 during the day.

Evenings only OP.

In a few years time, this mum will be posting on here asking how she can make new friends since she’s lost her old ones.

Meant to add - evenings, when the kids are in bed anyway she's not ''missing out'' on them.

Can she not meet in the evenings?

YANBU. You coming along makes her parenting easier, she’s not thinking about what would be enjoyable for you too.

Children coming as a package deal is only acceptable for the first year or so of the child’s life I think. After that there should be some willingness to meet up without children. (Or a mix of children and child free).

Can you meet when they are at nursery/school

No one's mention it but could she be suggesting the location to give her kids a distraction and allow a chat?
The main benefit of meeting in soft play places is the kids run off and I get a chance to have a real conversation uninterrupted (largely) with other adults.

I'm a single parent with no family and wouldn't suggest this location to child free friend unless v close and kids hyper and the friend couldn't come over in evening.

I have young kids and I still prefer to see my friends sometimes without mine or their kids so we can actually hold a conversation and relax! Some of my friends sometimes have to bring their friends along as nobody else can have them which is fine as long as I can still have a break and I'm not the main person looking after them 😅

This, especially ‘It looks to me like she actually wants help entertaining her children over meeting you for your own sake…’

YANBU! I have twin 6 year olds and cherish time with them absolutely but I would not expect my childfree friends to hang out at those kind of places and I make sure I see them when I have child care so that I can chat properly.
When I am with my friends and their children, absolutely mine would be there too and the conversation is more stop start but we also schedule in child free catch ups!

”you go ahead with your park trip but why don’t I pop over after bedtime so we can catch up properly in that case?”

Do you ever meet her in the evening for drinks or dinner? Would she be up for that?

I’ve 2 kids. I usually prefer to see my friends without my kids being there, so I can actually talk to them. But I do have some lovely friends that are happy to meet at the playground or beach or whatever sometimes so the kids can run about and we can have a bit of a chat.

No way would I expect a child free friend to only ever see me with the kids present. Or endure the hell that is soft play!

Is your friend a single parent with no access to babysitting? That’s the only thing that would make a big difference in my option, and even then you could go round to her house on an evening once they’re in bed

She either wants an extra pair of hands on these outings or she finds them tedious and wants a bit of adult company on what is essentially a chore.

she’s using you and just slotting you into her day. I’m sure she isn’t ALWAYS with her kids, but other people are getting the more premium adult time

I'd say something like "i think it's just more difficult to catch up at the playground and I miss having a proper chat with you! Let's meet another time when we can have a coffee together" or second sentence can be replaced with "when their dad can stay with them" "when you can come over to mine" "when I can come over to yours" etc

Is she definitely still your best friend OP? Is there a good friendship outside these meet ups, like phone calls and regular texts? Is she a good friend in other ways?

It's just that it sounds like she is using you as an additional pair of hands to enable her to take her kids to these places. It's quite hard work for one person to take young kids to soft play, and her kids sound particularly lively. It doesn't sound like she's bothered about catching up with you or having a chat, otherwise she would want to meet up in her home or somewhere where the kids wouldn't distract you both.

I think I would stick to only meeting up in their house and keeping the friendship to more phone and WhatsApp based until the kids are old enough to amuse themselves. Just push back on all meet ups unless they are at her house.