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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

515 replies

PlaygroundSusie · 03/02/2024 12:23

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 06/02/2024 21:34

A lot of mothers are like this, and it is dangerously short-sighted. Their children won't be children forever. If they actually think about what will be waiting for them when those children no longer need them they would put more effort into maintaining relationships with their partners and friends.

Catsmere · 06/02/2024 22:31

BreakingAndBroke · 06/02/2024 16:39

Can you sleep over at her house? You can all have dinner together and then she can get the kids to bed and you can have a proper catch up with a bottle of wine.

You have made room for her and her kids in your life, but it doesn't sound like she is making room for you. Can you ever talk about yourself, your relationships, sex life, job, family, mental health etc? Sometimes you might want to talk about things that aren't suitable for little ears or that you want to go into more detail about rather than 2 sentences between interruptions, and it doesn't sound like she is acknowledging that at all.

Have you read OP's updates? Her friend doesn't drink alcohol, eats dinner with her DH and kids at 5, and goes to bed by 9. She also doesn't want any meetings at her house, she wants to drag her unpaid childminder OP off to kiddy venues.

SapphOhNo · 06/02/2024 22:42

I'd honestly let the friendship wither on the vine. She sounds exhausting.

It's completely ok to let friendships end when they've run their course.

the7Vabo · 07/02/2024 00:03

SapphOhNo · 06/02/2024 22:42

I'd honestly let the friendship wither on the vine. She sounds exhausting.

It's completely ok to let friendships end when they've run their course.

I think the issue is that the OP doesn’t seem to want to which I can understand. It might be more of a case of letting the friendship take a back seat until things change.

OP you are very very reasonable. Id be livid and I have kids. I’m quite the opposite up your friend though it’s my time with my girlfriends filling my cup as they say that helps me be with my kids!

AnonoMisss · 07/02/2024 06:53

PlaygroundSusie · 03/02/2024 12:23

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

Perhaps just say I'd love to catch up but I'll leave you guys to the playground.

Let me know when you'd like me to come round to catch up and I'll bring some cake.

Starts to set a picture without (at the moment) making it a massive issue.

AnonoMisss · 07/02/2024 06:57

Toopolitetoask · 03/02/2024 12:49

Even if she does have childcare issues, a cafe and walk is a kid friendly option for you to suggest - it sounds like she just wants you to tag along to their activities to help out. She's being really unfair.

I'd either speak to her about it or just start declining - 'don't have the energy for a playground, let me know next time you're free to go to the cafe'.

Yes

BirdsAreDinosInDisguise · 07/02/2024 08:49

PlaygroundSusie · 06/02/2024 10:21

I thought it was a compromise because on this outing, we took it in turns to do what the other wanted. I wanted to go to a cafe, so we did. She and her kids wanted to go to the playground, and we did. We spent equal time at both places.

Show quote history

So next time do the same BUT (and this is important) when you finish at the cafe and she heads off to the play area you say ‘Lovely to see you and catch up, let’s do it again soon’ and you leave.

The compromise then becomes she gets to pick a cafe that leads onto a nice outing for her kids.

justneedtogetstarted · 07/02/2024 09:39

The good news is that the children are getting older, so if you can find the balance to make the next 4 years work ok for you, the children will be 7 and 11 and will definitely need much less input/be able to do long walks etc etc. Don't hold back from asking her for support if you need any though, it should be a two way thing.

Elaina87 · 07/02/2024 11:36

I find it strange she wants to do that every time. I have a 5 year old and a 9 month old. When i go back back work my free time will be precious and i will want to spend most of it with my children. However i will also appreciate the odd outing without them! Maybe tell her you love the kids but you miss her and being able to have a good chat, so it would be good to meet at her house.

Baba197 · 07/02/2024 11:36

Itslegitimatesalvage · 03/02/2024 12:41

Just reply, “I really don’t want to go to a playground. Happy to come to yours though instead but no worries if that won’t work. We can try for a different day.”

This. See what her response is then see if she makes an effort to rearrange etc. I’m single mum to 6 yr old, I don’t really go out in the eves but I do like seeing friends for coffee when he’s at school or if we meet a child free friend at wkend we go to a pub she’s chosen (he comes too) and he gets iPad time after he’s interacted with the grown ups for a bit so we can have a proper chat. My son is my world and a friend who didnt want him around isn’t a friend but you are more than making an effort with her kids and I feel like she’s using you a bit for helping with childcare and I would be prepared for the friendship drifting if you tell her you (understandably) no longer want to do these meet ups.

cinnamonda · 07/02/2024 12:08

Time to move on OP, this is a one way friendship, she is not interested in you or your needs. It doesn't mean she is a bad person nor that she doesnt care for you, she just had new priorities now and you are not high on that priority list (if at all on the list).

It is just life, and you need to understand where she is coming from and also that she will potentially not change.
I would be courteous and respectfully decline any invite to playground for etc. and take myself out for lunch or a drink to a nice place and spend quality time with myself :)

BrightYellowDaffodil · 07/02/2024 12:22

My son is my world and a friend who didnt want him around isn’t a friend

A true friend would realise that, while your kid is your world, they aren’t anyone else’s. It’s profoundly disrespectful to expect everyone else to want your child around at all times.

KeepSmiling89 · 07/02/2024 13:02

cinnamonda · 07/02/2024 12:08

Time to move on OP, this is a one way friendship, she is not interested in you or your needs. It doesn't mean she is a bad person nor that she doesnt care for you, she just had new priorities now and you are not high on that priority list (if at all on the list).

It is just life, and you need to understand where she is coming from and also that she will potentially not change.
I would be courteous and respectfully decline any invite to playground for etc. and take myself out for lunch or a drink to a nice place and spend quality time with myself :)

Wise words indeed!

TheaBrandt · 07/02/2024 13:36

No wonder there’s an epidemic of loneliness if this is how people treat their friends. Do these obsessed parents realise their kids will dump them once they are 14/15?

My parents were brilliant but always kept their own lives and hobbies going and we’ve done the same - much healthier and better role models for kids to see mum as a person in her own right not their own personal maid.

Toomanyemails · 07/02/2024 16:45

I have so many questions. It sounds like her DH never gets time alone with the kids and the kids never get time with friends, which at least the older one must want?! What about time with any grandparents, other family, or with DH and his close friends? Does the older one attend any clubs like Beavers/Cubs or a sport and you could see her during that?
I also still don't see why you can't go to her house after their family tea and hang out with your friend until her bedtime at 9 for example. Or why you can't go the pub (or a restaurant or bar), why does it matter that she doesn't drink alcohol? If she's willing to spend evenings watching Netflix with DH then why wouldn't she want to spend it with you, one of her dearest friends, every so often? You've said you're really close, but this is someone who is expecting you to fit into her preferences 100%. A compromise would be you meeting her sometimes at kiddie venues, and sometimes meeting her without the kids.

jrc1071 · 10/02/2024 20:53

PlaygroundSusie · 03/02/2024 12:23

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

It’s totally fine to tell her that you do not want to meet at child friendly venues. She works part time so I can imagine she can find time just for the two of you.

She sounds like she’s too involved with her children and perhaps her marriage is total shit… And she should not be pouring her energy into her children. That way it’s unhealthy.

Set a boundary, tell her you’re happy to meet her once a month just the two of you without children, or you may need to cut her off and let her go

Original poster
PlaygroundSusie · 21/09/2024 10:16

UPDATE:

Thought I'd update this thread with the latest. I didn't mention in my OP, but my friend and I live in different towns, so we only see each other on average once every 2-3 months, when I'm visiting my home town.

Since I posted last, I've been back 3 times. The first time, my friend, her kids, and I went to a museum (which was actually quite a good outing). The second time, we weren't able to meet up due to conflicting schedules (her eldest had a big sports carnival, and I had a family reunion happening).

The third time was last week. I texted my friend to let her know I'd be in town, and I decided to just ask her if she wanted to meet for a drink one evening. I wrote: "It doesn't have to be a big night, we can just have something non-alcoholic." (as my friend no longer drinks).

Her response: "How about we meet at [Local Playground] at 2pm on Saturday?"

Thanks to you amazing folks, I decided to strengthen my spine! I replied: "I'm free 2pm Saturday, but I'm not keen on the playground, sorry. But I'm happy for us to meet at a cafe or at your house. Or else, what about my suggestion of a drink one evening?"

Her response: "No problem. Guess we'll have to leave it this time. Hopefully the kids and I can see you next time you're in [town]."

So - that's that. Not sure where to go from here. Sadly, I think our friendship is done.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 21/09/2024 10:24

Probably.
In which case there's nothing to lose by telling her how you feel.

rainbowstardrops · 21/09/2024 10:30

Oh what a shame she can't be more open to doing something a bit different than a bloody playground heaving with screaming kids on a Saturday afternoon, therefore, she can't act surprised when you don't bother to meet up with her any more. It's a shame really.

Fundays12 · 21/09/2024 10:33

Your friendship has run it's course. As a mum of 3 I find your friends response unusual. I have never asked my child free friends to meet up at child orientated places. Why would they want to? Normally I don't take my kids at all with me if I am merging childfree friends. If her kids were babies I would totally understand her response but there not. She is actually doing her self and kids a massive disservice long term. Well done on your reply. She isn't being a good friend to you. She is probably going to find in a few years her kids will start pushing back on her as they will want to be a bit independent from her and her friendship she built around playdates will come to an end.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/09/2024 10:36

She is really going to struggle when her kids fly the nest and she is going to start over with zero personality of her own. Agree with PP, this has run it's course.

Catsmere · 21/09/2024 10:39

Good on you for standing up to her playground suggestion. I agree with PP, sounds like the friendship has run its course. Pity, but these things happen.

alibongo5 · 21/09/2024 10:41

WhatNoRaisins · 21/09/2024 10:36

She is really going to struggle when her kids fly the nest and she is going to start over with zero personality of her own. Agree with PP, this has run it's course.

Totally agree, and it will probably be sooner than when they fly the nest. Likely to be when they start secondary school.

pictoosh · 21/09/2024 11:05

I think your friendship is done, yes. It's small comfort I know but at least it isn't acrimonious.

Fwiw I'm on your side...I have raised three and was never like your friend. I did all that stuff with other mum pals and saw my longer term friends at my house/their house or without the kids.
I think your friend has had her head up her backside for a while. Now she has essentially told you it's all about her kids or fuck off. Pretty arrogant.
Again, little comfort, but in a sense it's like the trash taking itself out. Not that I'm saying she's trash...just that it's not a relationship dynamic that is good for you so it's better to let her flounce.

ARichtGoodDram · 21/09/2024 11:07

That's a shame that your friend has gone down that road.

When my eldest girls were little I had an 18 month spell where I literally had no babysitters. It wasn't ideal having late evenings with friends, but it was something I made time for to keep friendships and to have adult conversations once in a while.

I did have a friend once who was similar to your friend. Not that those children are in their teens she's trying to reignite friendships, but it's simply not the same anymore