Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

[PlaygroundSusie]

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

"We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!”"

So the playground it is - LOL!

I'm gritting my teeth just reading that and I don't even know this person.

Naw it isnae - LOL!

I’m disabled with a child with medical needs. My best friend and her godfather and I meet at home and do child friendly things, but I also prioritise seeing him on my own too and going to dinner/shows and things like we used to.

I think you need to communicate you need to see her one to one undistracted as an adult too.

She’s being very silly. The friendship has definitely ended. Well done for standing your ground.

Your friend is very selfish.

Btw, I didn't particularly enjoy being at the playground with my own kids. I wouldn't be at all interested in spending my free time sitting at one with someone else's. That has always been the case. I imagine most people, mums or not, feel as I do.

You haven't done a single thing wrong. You have been more than accommodating so far and a really good friend.

This ruck is entirely down to your friend and where her head is at.
Be proud of yourself for politely saying no. Long overdue. x

Well she might as well have said "I don't care about what you want, do what I want or get stuffed".

You are willing to compromise. She isn't. It's a bit one way isn't it?

I can sort of see where she's coming from as when my kids were little they needed to get out of the house and be tired out during the day so if I was doing something they usually came with me. But not if it wasn't suitable (and that included seeing friends who fancied a child free meet up). I worked FT so I didn't like spending lots of their awake time at the weekend going out without them, but now and again I was happy to, and I was also happy to go out in the evening when they were asleep anyway and their dad was at home.

The friendship isn't necessarily over but unless she's going to meet you halfway it will be on pause until her kids are older. It may or may not survive that.

So you're only in the same place three or four times a year but she still won't make any time for you. It's a shame but if the friendship dies it won't be your fault. Her DC will grow up and she's going to find that really hard if she's devoted all her life to them

I know it was a few months before your update but I think @WhereYouLeftIt summed it up. People change over 20 years, in order to stay friends (particularly if your lifestyles diverge) you both need to compromise. You're compromising a lot to keep the friendship, she isn't compromising at all. She is happy to see you only on her terms, and if you can't meet them exactly she's happy to leave it because she's made the decision that her priority is her kids and everything else comes a far, far second.

Of course the problem will be, as @WhatNoRaisins says, in a few years her kids won't want to spend any time with her and she'll not know what to fill her days with. At which point perhaps then she might be fine to just do coffee catch ups. But do you want to wait around that long? You've already bent over backwards for her for seven years, realistically if her youngest is three, you could be doing so for another seven at least.

I have the feeling that, if you had, for example, did get married or had a big birthday, she wouldn't come out to your hen, or even to the wedding if the kids weren't invited because she does not want to do anything without them, and has only ever left them for a few hours once in 7 years (which is her decision but imo is very unhealthy). You've already made clear that you only meet when you come to where she lives, never vice versa. Do you want to be friends with someone who doesn't reciprocate?

Similarly if you did have kids and said you wanted to do exactly the same as her, how would that work? If you had a 2 and 4 year old, her (then) 7 and 11 year olds aren't going to want to go to the same places. I doubt she'll be happy going back to petting zoos again after finally outgrowing them.

I don't think you need to make any drama out of it, but just stop contacting her first. See if she ever contacts you to suggest meeting up. You'll probably naturally drift unless she is willing to make some effort. Perhaps in another ten years you can reconnect again. She can always be an 'old' friend but I think she's shown herself not to be 'best' friend material.

At the heart of it it's not even a child/child free issue - you'd probably have exactly the same issue if you both had kids of different ages, or one had a disability that meant you couldn't do the exact same things. As you've said, you've got other friends with kids who aren't like this. It's a selfishness/unwilling to compromise issue.

What a shame. But good on you for sending that message. Maybe you could send another message saying something like, ok let me know if you're ever free for that drink, would be great to catch up for a good chat. Just so you feel happy in yourself that you've tried.

Yes, I think the friendship is done. I was in that position a fair few times when my friends started having kids - I try to avoid making friends with mums of young kids now as it just feels like I’m wasting time and energy.

Sorry OP, it’s rubbish.

I agree with this- don’t let her think that you “drifted apart”, tell her that you don’t have anything in common any more and you’d rather just be honest and leave it. She sounds unbelievably tedious, and you clearly aren’t getting anything out of the friendship.

I'm torn between thinking this is good advice and thinking your friend's last text requires no response from you as it's blunt and final. I'd say she has left the ball in her own court tbh. I wouldn't be persuading her any further.

What a shame! It's all on her though, not you. She'll regret it once her children are older and don't want to hang out with her anymore.

Probably going to be one of those grandparents that you hear about on here that camps outside the labour ward and keeps close track of how much time she gets with the grandkids compared with the other grandparents.

I might reply something like, sure, it would be great to meet up at a cafe or at your place, or for a drink just for the two of us, next time I'm back.

God, what a bore she is.
YANBU.

I don't think you have anything to lose at this point by being a bit more blunt and saying directly that you want adult company and not always with the kids. As lovely as they are you don't want to only socialise at playgrounds! After that you've done all you can do

As IF she would want to spend her free time with someone else's kids. Is she a single mum? Whats dad doing while you're helping with the childcare?

It's absolutely ok to say 'I'm not too keen on the days out but would love to catch up with you - shall we get a take away or a drink at your local pub after bedtime?' If she says no to that then she's not a good friend she just wants a free nanny. And I say that as a single mum who wants all the help I can get.

I'm a mum and she would drive me insane!!

I have had a couple of friends like this, not necessarily with kids, but whatever you do with them has to be what THEY want. They expect compromise from you but never offer it themselves. It's very self-centered IMO and is basically saying that their life is more important than yours.

When your friend expects you to only socialize on playgrounds she's basically saying that you're not worth her effort. You're only allowed to be included in her life if she doesn't have to change anything, but that same rule doesn't apply to you: she expects you to change, to reduce your expectations, and to be put in last place any time you meet with her.

I agree with the person who predicted if you ever have kids, there is no way she's meeting you on the playground, because her own kids will be done with all of that by then. She'll expect you to meet her for drinks or at her children's plays and will call you selfish if you won't.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. She might be an old friend but she's no longer a good one.

Good on you for standing your ground, OP. I'd just leave it and perhaps one day she'll get back in touch, and you can reconnect if you wish to - but the onus is firmly on her to make the effort now.

As a Mum myself, I think she's making a mistake. I keep in touch with three of my close uni friends, we're all Mums, but only one of us is like this. Inevitably, she's been left out of numerous meetups over the years, because she won't leave her children with her husband - who's an experienced teacher! The rest of us can't understand it and as PP's have said, both my friend and yours will have a big shock when her children are teenagers and want to do their own thing (this will happen soon for my friend).

The years when they want to go everywhere she goes will fly by. She’s being very silly.

If she is incapable of nurturing your relationship without the children I would not stick with it, honestly.
I am glad that you had a different approach this time rather than going to the playground. Now you know where both of you stand at this present time. 💐

I know a lot of parents who do prioritise day time on weekends with their kids, because work/school limit time together mon-fri.

But they would all, without exception, grab with both hands an offer of wine at home one eve when kids in bed.

Sadly OP i think you are making the right call

She is really rigid and uncompromising OP. She actually sounds really selfish and truthfully, an absolute bore. I get wanting to preserve your friendship due to its longevity and the history between you both. However, I don’t feel like she values you as much as you do her. Meeting at her house where her kids were comfortable in their own surroundings was a perfect compromise, I don’t understand why she’s so against this.