For asking my partner to consider changing jobs to allow me to work less?

[LPJ123]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 13 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument as I would like them to consider moving jobs to earn more money.

They earn 30k in a job that they love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; they say they’re not just another number.

I earn around 40k basic, but last year earned 65k due to all the overtime I do. I need to do this for us as we bought and renovated a house together recently. We are also trying to save for a wedding and our future. I have also been paying off a my student loan through PAYE - it’s almost done. We have other debts. My partners car is on its last legs. We’re both feeling the strain money-wise.

I feel it's unfair that I have to work so much overtime. I don’t like my job- I work in a (window-less) factory, and it can be extremely stressful at times. The company culture is also poor. I work early/late shifts (I just came off permanent nights after 5 years) and I feel these shifts are really taking a toll on me.

I feel guilty that I have asked them to consider leaving their job and lovely colleagues for a workplace they could be absolutely miserable in. However I do feel it’s unfair that I’m killing myself to support us both and our future plans.

My partner currently picks up most of the work at home- cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc. (I would say 80/20 split). I would like to contribute more but often I’m simply not at home or absolutely exhausted from long / early shifts. As our house renovation is also ongoing I often spend time working on this rather than doing housework.

My ideal scenario would be a better balance of roles.

AIBU?

I am in a similar boat to you. I make a lot lot more than what my DH makes. His job is lovely, lots of time off and less hours and stress. Mine is full on, responsible, long hours, stressful. I still do 50% of my share at home and do not resent him at all.

I want him to be happy, he's had his job since before I met him. I am not looking to change him.

If I want more money and a nicer lifestyle, it's on me to make it. He is happy with a modest house and fewer holidays but also fully supports me in what I want to do. Do I sometimes wish I'd fallen for a billionaire? Yeah sure lol.

You should not try to change a person you are marrying. Finances are a big cause of divorce. If money is not her priority, it will never be so and it will just lead to more frustration. You should both walk away if you are unable to accept each other and let each other be happy.

Behave! The partner does 80% of their home jobs as well as their own job.

Eh? Did you read the part where the partner does 80% of the household tasks and chores?

why is ok for a woman to reduce hours and pay to pick up “wifework” but not a man? He’s even doing it all round a full time job, so it’s not like he’s sitting on his arse while she keeps him.

Yabyu. Jobs that make you happy are hard to come by. Start doing more around the house and we'll start from there. There is no way this woman should marry you and this will only convince her more.

yabu. Thats a good income for a couple with no kids. I wouldnt change a 30k job i loved. If 45k is about as good as it gets for your sector and youre not happy at work, then could you retrain ? I dont think you get to dictate to a partner something like this, especially since not married or have kids.
It does sound like you need to have a proper discussion about finances and your future plans though, as it sounds like your partner has a good work life balance. Could you consider moving somewhere cheaper or cut costs another way