For asking my partner to consider changing jobs to allow me to work less?

[LPJ123]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 13 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument as I would like them to consider moving jobs to earn more money.

They earn 30k in a job that they love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; they say they’re not just another number.

I earn around 40k basic, but last year earned 65k due to all the overtime I do. I need to do this for us as we bought and renovated a house together recently. We are also trying to save for a wedding and our future. I have also been paying off a my student loan through PAYE - it’s almost done. We have other debts. My partners car is on its last legs. We’re both feeling the strain money-wise.

I feel it's unfair that I have to work so much overtime. I don’t like my job- I work in a (window-less) factory, and it can be extremely stressful at times. The company culture is also poor. I work early/late shifts (I just came off permanent nights after 5 years) and I feel these shifts are really taking a toll on me.

I feel guilty that I have asked them to consider leaving their job and lovely colleagues for a workplace they could be absolutely miserable in. However I do feel it’s unfair that I’m killing myself to support us both and our future plans.

My partner currently picks up most of the work at home- cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc. (I would say 80/20 split). I would like to contribute more but often I’m simply not at home or absolutely exhausted from long / early shifts. As our house renovation is also ongoing I often spend time working on this rather than doing housework.

My ideal scenario would be a better balance of roles.

AIBU?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4997707-for-staying-in-my-job-when-dp-doesnt-want-me-to

It's the same poster posting in reverse isn't it? <<tedious>>

Yes, there’s a lot of discussion about that in the thread.

It is based on the other post

Why the reverse? Is it you or your partner who wants the other to work less?

Making it gender neutral is so annoying as it is always relevant.

I also said the same as on the other post anyway. The one who hates “their” (his) job should change it, equalise out the housework, and they should both cut their cloth accordingly.

The big wedding is an obvious thing to go

Sorry - I see now this is the original posters DP posting as his head apparently exploded when he saw he was getting a pasting!

Why would you want your DP to be unhappy? Isn't their MH of value to you? And their happy job enables them to pick up 80% of the household chores too.

It sounds like you don't like your job, and rather than fixing that, you are fixated on bringing your DP down to your level of unhappiness. My advice is to concentrate on getting a new job that you like as much as DP likes hers, that pays the same, or more.

So is this about I'm not happy so she shouldn't be either? How is making it better to have 2 unhappy stressed people.....and how are you going to step up and do the fair share of housework while she learns a job and spends more time at work?
Find a better job yourself and change priorities....work to live

Oh, and I totally agree with cutting out the Big Wedding. Registry office with a couple of witnesses. No need to waste lots of hard earned cash if you don't have it.

Important life lesson: don’t create and perpetuate a situation which makes you unhappy and then blame your partner for that.

You knew what her salary was when you bought a renovation project and decided to invest time and money in that. You could probably have renovated over a much longer period, with less resources going in immediately. Or perhaps you should have considered waiting longer to buy at all…

If you are unhappy in your work you should be able to discuss it and, if leaving jobs mean a hit on your lifestyle but is important for your well-being, I’d hope your partner would nonetheless support you in doing so.

But you’re behaving as though you are trapped in this situation, and as if it’s ok to blame and guilt someone over something they were completely transparent about from the start. It’s not! Have a conversation by all means, but it should really be about what YOU want and need and how YOU can make that happen - not about what someone else should be doing to facilitate a life you want but haven’t built.

You are not married and don’t have children… you’ve jointly created this situation but you are now resentful of that. It’s not your partner’s fault. If she is happy to support whatever choice you feel is right for you, then that’s great. If not then only you can decide whether you want to stay or not.

However, if you want to build a life with someone there will be times when one of you is working more, or one is going out more, or one is getting an inheritance, or one is very ill or a million other possibilities. If you can’t even handle the results of a choice you yourself have made, I’m not sure how you’re going to deal with the curve balls life tends to throw. Children cost a lot of money/time/energy - what’s going to happen if your partner is at home operating off two hours sleep a night and you’re working lots of hours - will you “help” on your day off, or tell her you’re too tired?

If you want to be with a high earner then go and find one. Perhaps you’ll be able to work less overtime - and would prefer coming home to an empty house most nights? (most high earners I know don’t just work 9-5…)

50/50 isn’t something that’s practical to operate on every aspect of life individually - it’s a value that extends across the whole of a partnership and spans financial and non-financial aspects of a marriage. If you’re not mature enough to see this, and are already resentful towards your partner now, I’d suggest you’re also not mature enough to build a healthy happy life with her…

Can you address why you've posted twice from different perspectives?

As I understand it from what was written, the first thread was written. Then the husband read it and was upset and wanted to write his version. Which still left us wondering why she was with him and why her standards were so low.

🤣

I think @Sweden99 has her finger on the button there!

I said the same. But very few people are giving such sensible advice.
They are instead focusing on telling the other OP to LTB. No mention of the fact that the financial goals were joint.

I can't blame OP's DP for getting angry when he's working extremely hard towards THEIR financial goals. Only for a load of strangers on the internet to call him names and tell her she should leave him.

There are situations where LTB and all the insults are truly justifiable but it's unclear on this. Especially as the OP on the other thread hasn't returned to the thread (except to say that she'd shown it to her DP!). She has not given enough information to determine the true situation, and OPs' always paint themselves in the best light.

Anyway. Whatever we say makes no difference now. This relationship can never recover once people start involving strangers on the internet.

So glad that my DH and I are mature enough to discuss all our major life decisions, and plan together.

OP you are trying to justify yourself! Interesting that you think you've been together for 13 years, while your DP says 10! I'd hazard a guess that she's probably the one who's right. Most of us have read your partner's thread, and personally in her shoes, rather than changing my job, I'd be changing my partner, as you sound rather childish and jealous, reflected by this post, and you seemingly feeling that 'it's not fair' because she has a job she enjoys and you don't.

So rather than risking destroying your DP's happiness, by wanting her to leave a job that she clearly loves, so that you can spend more time at home, then why not try and do something about your own job? I think the first thing you should do though, is actually sit down together and work out where you can cut back on spending. Lots of people are feeling the pressure of the cost of living at the moment, but it doesn't sound like you're struggling with the basics, just simply want everything NOW! There's no need to do so many things at once, a wedding can wait, and be as cheap or costly as you want to make it. So if you want to be married, either wait and save up, or do it more cheaply and sooner. Personally I think you've made it clear that your priority is YOU, and how YOU feel. However, as most men who've been married for any length of time will tell you 'Happy wife, happy life'.

Reverse thread to show the "double standards".

If you hate your job, change jobs.

If you have no children then why do you need to earn £95k between you to survive? That's crazy.

You need to change your job. No point asking your partner to change - sounds like they are living the dream!

Anyway, at £65k a year, if your student loan is nearly paid off you'll soon have an extra £300-350 a month leeway, which is the equivalent of an extra £7k a year salary.

There’s a lot to be said for a job where you are happy and valued, and having the capacity to pick up 80% of the housework and mental load.
So I’d be in favour of keeping that. Possibly looking at promotion within the organisation at some point but not the biggest issue here.

The partner who is unhappy needs to address that. If that means giving up on either the renovation or the big wedding, then so be it. You can’t afford that right now and what’s the point in either if you are miserable and at odds with each other all the time?

As a couple you need to be building a sustainable and happy future. This approach won’t achieve that.

Having had a job I love/a miserable job with bullying/a job that’s now fine but impact of job 2 has left me bruised; I’d pick happy job over money every single time. Miserable job made me physically ill. I’ve never had mh problems I hope I won’t again but I wouldn’t wish that year I had on my worst enemy. Life isn’t all about money.

These situations are very hard. My OH could not cope with his job, so I worked more hours in order that he should be able to reduce and stay sane. It was as well I did, as he got Parkinsons when relatively young and died - so at least there was a chunk of his life that was less stressful.

If your OH has a job that he is happy in and not stressed, then that is one happy half of a couple - that is good. If he leaves this the end result could be two unhappy people which is not a great idea. Two unhappy people is not a solution to be advised. Ditching a happy job is not wise - there may never be another one. He is picking up a lot of the home tasks, which is good - he is not coasting - you have said that his job is challenging and that he more than pulls his weight at home.

Now to try and make the other half (i.e. you) happy - you need to look around at other opportunities for you. You won't solve that by making him unhappy too - though I fully understand how this feels. It sounds as though you are a bit financially overstretched.

Do you need to save for a wedding? - maybe pop down to the registry office.
If you are earning less, then the student loan repayments might be less.
When my OH dropped back his hours drastically it did put us under financial pressure even when I upped my hours, but we muddled through. We found that a lot of the things we thought we needed we could actually do without. And we had 3 children at the time!

Lots of rethinking needed I guess. But I would caution against creating 2 unhappy people - there is no gain in that. It would be good to not make it personal or accusatory, but to try and stand back and assess the situation as objectively as you can.

Hey lovely I saw your partner's post too. I still think the same, but some additional advice:

• it's soooo important that you love your job. It takes up so much of your life. The support, flexibility etc of your wives employment will be invaluable if you have babies. And as she does less hours it's likely to be her that is the primary care giver. It's hard enough that role without the misery of a crap job and lack of support on top. Maybe she gets a pub job or something to make a bit of money in the meantime. I earn £5k a year selling Avon 👍
• Secondly if you hate your job; you look elsewhere. Again life is far too short lovely 👍. Why not be both happy in what you do. If you want a family get that right first.
• Lastly I would look at cutting costs before doing a job I hate. I'd rather have a shitty car and no holiday abroad before I endured a job I hate all year round for an extra £5-10 grand after tax 🤷

My husband says happy wife happy life...it's came around because it's the truth 👍. The happier other aspects of both your lives...the stronger your relationship will be 👍

Money isn’t everything. I love my low paying job. I wouldn’t get another for all the money in the world. You can’t buy happiness and getting a job you love is so important. You need to fix your own happiness. If that means dropping the overtime then drop it. You have no kids. Cut costs. 2 adults should be able to live comfortably on £70k

The op is already out earning the partner. It's not easy to find jobs that pay over £65k. Easier perhaps for him to find a job that earns more than £30k or the potential like the op to do overtime so she can do a little extra overtime

How bored does a poster have to be on a Saturday morning to fabricate a thread to be the opposing stance of an existing thread?