For asking my partner to consider changing jobs to allow me to work less?

[LPJ123]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 13 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument as I would like them to consider moving jobs to earn more money.

They earn 30k in a job that they love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; they say they’re not just another number.

I earn around 40k basic, but last year earned 65k due to all the overtime I do. I need to do this for us as we bought and renovated a house together recently. We are also trying to save for a wedding and our future. I have also been paying off a my student loan through PAYE - it’s almost done. We have other debts. My partners car is on its last legs. We’re both feeling the strain money-wise.

I feel it's unfair that I have to work so much overtime. I don’t like my job- I work in a (window-less) factory, and it can be extremely stressful at times. The company culture is also poor. I work early/late shifts (I just came off permanent nights after 5 years) and I feel these shifts are really taking a toll on me.

I feel guilty that I have asked them to consider leaving their job and lovely colleagues for a workplace they could be absolutely miserable in. However I do feel it’s unfair that I’m killing myself to support us both and our future plans.

My partner currently picks up most of the work at home- cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc. (I would say 80/20 split). I would like to contribute more but often I’m simply not at home or absolutely exhausted from long / early shifts. As our house renovation is also ongoing I often spend time working on this rather than doing housework.

My ideal scenario would be a better balance of roles.

AIBU?

Again, and sorry to keep repeating this, it appears that the husband of the first thread wanted to do a thread putting their side of the story.

My sister works part time, earns maybe 5% of her partners wage, he obviously works far far more hours in a very stressful environment.

Is she a cunt lodger then??

Whoever posted, it's sad and lame!

Goals need to be agreed between partners. You are working all of the hours in order to save and maintain a certain lifestyle but that is a choice you are making. You could cut down on hours and change goals/lifestyle. This may mean things take a bit longer but that is in your power if you are unhappy about working how you are. Or look for another job. I personally think it would be short sighted to demand a partner leaves a job they enjoy for something they might hate. Yes you may both be more unhappy and richer - is that the goal?

They deserve each other!

You know they are women because?

And since they do all the women that disagree are what exactly?

Another here who doesn't understand why a child free couple NEED 95k PA to survive unless you live in the south east - doesn't sound like it tho based on previous posts.

Assuming this is the male partner based on previous posters mentioning that the fiancee has made her own thread, I have one question to ask - prior to taking this job and overtime, did you undertake 50% of the household work? Do you do 50% of the household chores when you're on leave and your partner is working?

The way I see this working is that even if your partner raised her income by ~10k or similar, you'd still be the higher earner and you'd still claim that as your contribution is greater financially that your workload at home should be smaller.
I highly doubt you've ever done anything approaching 50% of the housework.

It's unlikely a 30k earner is magically going to double her salary, even a 50% rise is unlikely in the immediate future. You need to reduce overtime and cut your cloth or find a job that pays more without OT. Don't force your partner to be miserable just because you are

This is the reverse of a thread of the partner - the op in the other thread earns £30k and she was upset her higher earning partner wanted her to move jobs whilst he did no housework ..

What’s the female equivalent?

So your solution to being miserable and overworked, is to make your partner change jobs so that she is also miserable and overworked?

My husband earns double what I earn (also double what you earn), and works very long hours while I'm part time. And he currently does 95% of the housework. Why? Because I'm pregnant and struggling and that's a concern to him. Not how much money I'm bringing in. He doesn't want me under any further stress. That's what a partnership is. That's what builds love and trust. That's why I'm loyal to him and will spoon-feed him and wipe his bum in old age if required.

You need to readjust your understanding of a healthy relationship.

Change your job/ work fewer hours.
Do 50% of the wifework.
Just get married in a registry office.
Fancy weddings are pointless.

Your partner isn't guaranteed to get a better job.

You sound pissed off because she likes her job and you don't.

My DH earns £45k more than me and I love my job.
He wouldn't dream of telling me to get another one, because he didn't like his.

Instead at various points in our relationship we've supported each other through, redundancy, stay at home parenting, joblessness and career changes.

That's what a relationships are about.

If I was her I'd question whether I wanted to marry you.

@AdrianaLaCerva

And guess what? Nobody called the woman in the £30k role on the opposite thread a cock lodger.

First and foremost you need to look at changing jobs. Her changing her job isn't going to make you enjoy your job more.

If you don't have to do the overtime will you enjoy your job more?

I've worked in a job that pays really well but was in a toxic environment with a bunch of arseholes but paid really really well. It was awful and they really wanted their pound of flesh. This taught me that there is more to life than money.

Why not wait until your student loan is paid off and reduce your hours and look for a new job.

If your dp does change her job, chances are she won't have the flexibility etc she gets now so the life admin and chores will fall more to you. Are you prepared for this? Some people prefer to work than have to do the mundane shit that goes into running a house.

You don't need to do overtime. You don't actually need to work this hard. And you certainly shouldn't be blaming your partner who is looking after the kids AND doing a full time job they love. I'd get where you're coming from if they didn't work at all but they do.

You need to stop blaming others and decide what you want. You need to find a job where you're happy too - even if you earn less. You don't need to spend a fortune getting married and there's no point doing it if it's killing you. I've spend most of my married life with a household income of under 30K but we're happy and together. I suspect if you were earning less you wouldn't have to put any money towards your student loan. I can understand that you like to work hard for nice things but this isn't for everyone. You are clearly upset that your wife doesn't earn as much as you - although by your own confession she's doing 80% of the housework and childcare without being paid for it. If you factored that she's probably working longer than you and would be earning more!

I think you are possibly envious that your wife has a reasonable job she loves and she gets to spend time with the kids. Don't destroy her happiness due to envy.

Why did you buy the house if you can’t afford it without overtime?
I would say it’s rare to love your job, so don’t risk making your partner unhappy too, i would focus on you and how you could find a happier job - then maybe think about replanning the renovation so it’s more affordable.

Is there any reason why you can't change your job if you hate it so much?

Cut back the lifestyle and overtime.

Review of finances and work in the home.

Hard brake on the wedding plans. You are not on the same page plus debts and car to buy (if essential).

Suggest revise plans to an intimate wedding with a small budget set after debts paid and counselling to explore issues arising (including how it will work if you plan DC) to agree if the relationship has a future.

Yep, immediately spotted the reverse too.

I think the telling things here are that a) this OP didn't even think to mention the fact that his partner does all the domestic work, until another poster clocked the reverse and brought it up, at which point the OP claimed they actively want to take on 50% of the home stuff and b) IIRC the OP of the previous thread seemed not to think it at all likely that if she changed jobs, her partner would do his fair share at home...

The place to be having these conversations is face to face with a relationship counsellor. NOT different threads on Mumsnet.

I do think you need to change jobs for your happiness
She should keep her job as she is happy. I think maybe you need to go back to the drawing board in regards to your expectations as a couple out of life.. I'd your combined happiness worth less than whatever you're both financially trying to achieve at this point?

I would change a lot of my life goals and financial plans if it contributed to my husband being happier, and TBH there's no point in spending loads on a wedding, if in your marriage you'll resent one another to the point you're unhappy and end up divorced anyway.

If you don’t want to move jobs is there another way you can increase earnings like work from
home , sell
something? Dog walk? Only fans ? To cover up the pay cut?

Is that what you do when you post then?