For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

[daisyviolet]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 10 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument about him wanting me to quit my job to find something better. I earn 30k in a job that I love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are super nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; I'm not just another number.

My DP earns around 40k but probably earns closer to 50k with all the overtime he does. He thinks it's unfair that he works so much overtime when I could leave my company and find a job that pays me more, but I'd enjoy less.

We're trying to save for a wedding and pay off some debt from some recent work we had to have done on the house. I also think my car is on its last legs and I'm panicking about that. We're both feeling the strain money-wise. I feel guilty that he's doing all this overtime to help us save, but equally I don't want to leave my job and lovely colleagues for a workplace I could be absolutely miserable in. My last workplace was horrendous and I think I'm still traumatised from it!

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

AIBU?

I knew you’d do all the domestic work. Which he won’t value because it’s women’s work.

right a lost, including time spent, of all the stuff you do.

discuss it with him. His reaction will tell you whether to stay with him.

insuspwdt his reaction will tell uou not to stay with him and def not to have kids with him

Hmm. I think it is not fair to refuse to look at other job opportunities- there could be something good out there that pays more. But he shouldn't force you to change jobs just for the money.

Have a good look, see what is there and what your earning potential is in other locations. But if new job isn't a major improvement on take home pay with a good environment then you don't have to take it.

Intrigued to know how 80k isn't enough for 2..

Maybe he should do less?

Between you you are bringing in 70k minimum. For 2 of you. People with families aren’t on that much.

It's so hard to find a job you love OP. I would be really wary of leaving.

Can you look for progression at your current job? Are there any opportunities for promotion?

As the poster above says, is he willing to take on half the domestic work if you do increase your hours?

He is being unreasonable. Do you really want to marry him?

I'd think long and hard about that.

And you’re going to marry him?

@parietal she’s doing ALL the domestic labour though.

I can guarantee he won’t be picking up more of that if she does change jobs

After you have kids your earnings are likely to be less and your outgoings more, then when they are teenagers it can be harder to return to decent pay without some serious investment into training. Think very seriously about your future.

You don't seem to be working as a team. Very separate roles. Can you take a different view and work out how you can get a better balance for both of you.

I don't think you should have to change your job but equally if you are not able to support yourself it's not fair to insist someone else does. Can he cut back on overtime and you both cut back on spending?

Why the hell is he letting you do 100% of the housework (massive red flag)? And what are the chances that he would happily (and permanently) pick up a full 50% of it if your work schedule increased? Don't quit your job. Think carefully about whether you really want to marry this man.

I can see the thread of the future now.

I'm paying my share of the mortgage & bills, all the childcare & for their clothes & my savings have run out since maternity. My husband has his hobbies...

I'd be dumping your fiancee before I gave up my job.

You love your job, you earn decent money and you do everything at home. He's a prick who earns a bit more - and thinks that gives him the right to absolve himself of any housework and issue instructions about your career to you.

What actually gives him the right to have any opinion on what you do for a living? If he earned more he wouldn't need to do overtime.

He earns 10k more than you. And is behaving like an entitled arsehole.

How about he looks at it as a team. He needs to do housework too. What’s special about his job and ( voluntary) overtime that he can’t do housework.

Red flags all over this OP. I’d be giving the wedding a rethink.

When he's committed to and actually shown he will do 50% of the housework, maybe you can talk about it again.

My Advice: Stay in your current job for as long as you are enjoying, £30k is significantly more than most of us normal people earn, and to be in a job you enjoy is gold-dust in itself. Even if your DP ‘only’ earned the sane as you, your joint £60k is more than enough to lead a very comfortable and happy life. If your DP loves you they will want you to stay in your current job. And if not …….

Regardless of working hours or who earns more, he should be doing his share of the housework. He can do everyday jobs like cooking, washing up, laundry, wiping surfaces, and running the hoover round. Just like he would if he lived alone.

I would think long and hard before you changed jobs. I am assuming you will want children, what will happen if you have a more demanding job, plus 100% home responsibilities, 100% child responsibilities too? If you can't make it on what you're earning now another 10k isn't going to make a whopping difference to your circumstances to cover things now and childcare too. Look after yourself because it doesn't sound like he is interested in you but more himself....ie you work more so I can work less.

So he earns 10-20k more than you - so about a grand a month more take-home ish max, but does nothing in the house..

How do you feel about kids? A flexible, friendly job, which you've been at long enough to have rights, is absolutely golden should you decide to have them.

TBH, it's golden even if you decide you don't!

I know people are talking about lists, but my feeling is that if you have to justify this by selling the advantages/pointing out how much you do to support the rest of your lifestyle, then it might not be worth it - if he appreciated that work, or wanted to listen, he'd have heard when you spoke about how much you enjoy what you do, and thought about how important that is.

Does he give a reason why £70k isn't enought for 2 people without children? But if its genuinely not enough then it's unfair that the burden is on him yes.

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

Has he made a peep about sharing this equally if you get a different job? Also, I am older and have worked my fair share of employment in different sectors and wildly different salaries. A lower paying job in an environment you love is worth the loss of income almost all the time. Maybe not if you had children and they needed more, but if it's just you and him, stick with the job and find ways to lower your expenses.

Red flags everywhere here- I hope that you aren’t planning kids because you’ll be working less during pregnancy and the early months of your baby’s life. Do you see yourself returning to full time work asap?

Surprise surprise

You do all the drudgery

Yer man needs to give himself a shake. 5 of us in this house and the gross income is about £63k. We manage.