For asking my partner to consider changing jobs to allow me to work less?

[LPJ123]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 13 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument as I would like them to consider moving jobs to earn more money.

They earn 30k in a job that they love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; they say they’re not just another number.

I earn around 40k basic, but last year earned 65k due to all the overtime I do. I need to do this for us as we bought and renovated a house together recently. We are also trying to save for a wedding and our future. I have also been paying off a my student loan through PAYE - it’s almost done. We have other debts. My partners car is on its last legs. We’re both feeling the strain money-wise.

I feel it's unfair that I have to work so much overtime. I don’t like my job- I work in a (window-less) factory, and it can be extremely stressful at times. The company culture is also poor. I work early/late shifts (I just came off permanent nights after 5 years) and I feel these shifts are really taking a toll on me.

I feel guilty that I have asked them to consider leaving their job and lovely colleagues for a workplace they could be absolutely miserable in. However I do feel it’s unfair that I’m killing myself to support us both and our future plans.

My partner currently picks up most of the work at home- cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc. (I would say 80/20 split). I would like to contribute more but often I’m simply not at home or absolutely exhausted from long / early shifts. As our house renovation is also ongoing I often spend time working on this rather than doing housework.

My ideal scenario would be a better balance of roles.

AIBU?

There are a few on this thread who thought the OP was a woman and accused their partner of being selfish and a cock lodger.

If you’re massively unhappy in your job, the obvious solution is to change your job. Even if that means adjusting your expectations for your wedding & lifestyle.
What does not make sense is asking your partner to reduce their happiness in their job when there are alternatives, because that will just lead to resentment. Especially if the 80/20 split doesn’t change significantly to compensate.
Why are you paying down your student loan? Unless you’re just referring to the normal amount that is taken via PAYE? (This is not an exceptional or unusual situation)
In reality it just sounds like you need to have a serious conversation about your lifestyle expectations- are you driving the standard or is your partner?
(for example, I earn much less than my partner in a job I am happy with, but he has higher standards/expectations for lifestyle than me so he has accepted responsibility for earning more to meet that standard. But we are a team, we care for each other, we share everything.)
£70k for 2 adults is a decent salary, so perhaps your spending is just not reasonable for your salaries. Maybe scale back your expectations for your wedding so you can prioritise paying off your debt and take the financial pressure off. Weddings do not need to be extravagant, especially at the expense of financial stability and in this situation potentially the happiness of your partner and the health of the relationship.
Finalising all aspects of a home renovation can take years if you need to wait & do it bit by bit to afford it. Don’t rush to get it all perfectly done if it’s causing too much pressure.
MOST IMPORTANTLY - stop doing tit for tat on the internet! Work together to assess your spending & find a plan that works for you both so you’re not under so much pressure. Align your financial goals and expectations.

I think you're being very unreasonable. If you're not happy with the situation then change ge your job, don't expect your partner to leave a job they are happy with, especially if they do the vast majority of housework etc.

Reverse of another thread. Why are you posting the exact same thing from the other perspective?

My response here is the same as it was on the other thread.

You are unreasonable to want your partner to leave a job they love. It's an action they would almost certainly regret taking.

If I were your partner my answer to you would be a big, fat "bugger off."

If you are so desperate for change then YOU find yourself a new job and stop badgering and niggling at them.

Same advice as I gave on the other thread.

It is unfair you have to shoulder the bulk of the financial burden and something needs to change. A combination of -

You reduce OT
You get another job
They get another job and dont assume any other job they apply for will be awful
You do more at home
You reduce your out goings

If you cant work it out something so basic together cancel the wedding as you are not ready.

Mental health comes before money.. your partner is happy.. he's doing all the other things at home.
It's you who needs to change jobs if you're unhappy.

OP, you really should have been clear when dating that any potential girlfriend had to earn at least 40k (whilst doing 80% of the housework) to get married to you.

Whichever side you frame it from the solution is clear:

1. Of course Person A who likes their job doesn’t give it up
2. Person B needs to stop working unsustainable overtime and start looking for a job they might not hate.
3. As a couple they need to start cutting their cloth according to their income. This may mean seriously considering housing costs if paying off renovations is putting a real squeeze on finances.
4. Person B needs to start doing their fair share of the housework and stop valuing each partner’s contribution to the relationship based on the income they bring in.

AdrianaLaCerva · Today 09:35

You’ve got yourself a cocklodger I’m afraid.”

Dont be silly. He more than pulls his weight at home.

Happiness is more important than money, let your partner stay in the job she enjoys (30k is fairly decent). You're the one not enjoying work so you're the one who should look to change. You either chase the money or chase happiness. To be honest that level of overtime time makes me think you are a workaholic and you need your partner to pick up most of the housework which they might not be able to do in a different job if it kept them busier

To be clear: I am not accusing my partner of not doing enough (they are FOR SURE pulling their weight already) - I am asking that we share the roles more equally. Meaning I want to be able to be home more to contribute to 50% of the domestic work and less away from the home. This would be perfectly achievable if I wasn’t required to do so much overtime to subsidise out lifestyle together

If the roles were reversed and the OP was being asked to leave the job s/he loved by the DP then there would be a hundred 'LTB' responses and 'why should you change..'
Reassess your priorities - do you need a big wedding?
Also, if your DP is forced into another job where s/he is not as happy as in this one, consider the consequences upon your relationship
You do not like your job @LPJ123 - you could leave it if you wanted

So let me get this right…

your partner is very happy in their job (which is a hard thing to come by)

and you are miserable in yours.

so you think the answer is to ask your partner to change jobs so they can be miserable like you!

the answer is for you to look at changing your job not asking your partner to leave what you admittedly claim to be the perfect job all round.

also take into account that if you’re asking your partner to work more hours they will be doing less around the house and therefore you will have to pick up the slack more.

edited to add: if money is the root cause of this, start living within your budget.
halt the house renovations or sell up and downsize.
poatpone the wedding or have a cheap registry office one.
Get your debt in an order and pay off the high interest stuff first before student debt.

Why would they leave a job they love, why don’t you find a job you love and learn to live within your means?

I think you should change your own job and put an end to doing so much overtime...

Your partner might earn less than you but they are doing almost everything at home.

You don't have kids so two adults should manage on the kind of income you describe.

It would be risky for your partner to leave a safe job they love to go for something that might be less enjoyable but also that might not even work out.

You don't need an expensive wedding either. If you are paid off your student loan then you will be able to save more money.

Frankly I think you need to have a good look at your expectations in life and how much money you are spending,

The people who said that the partner is 'coasting' or ' a cocklodger' seem to have missed the fact that most of the home admin, cleaning and so on is done by them.

Would you say the same if a wife who had a full time job and did almost everything at home was suddenly asked to get a better job?

OP, neither of you have as yet explained what this "lifestyle" is? I would think it would be fairly easy to live as a couple on 70K p.a.

So have you massively overextended on the reno and wedding?

@LPJ123 you haven’t explained why you’ve posted this from both viewpoints, which partner you actually are and whether you’ve got what you wanted from that. Either that or you’re a lazy journo looking to generate a story about double standards of the vicious mumsnet hags, which clearly hasn’t worked out as you’ve had the same answers on both threads.

This!!!!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4997707-for-staying-in-my-job-when-dp-doesnt-want-me-to?page=8&reply=132725802

It's not a reverse it's OP's DP!

I was just thinking this

Weird

If you are so unhappy in a job that it's making you resent your partner, just change jobs, reassess the budget and adjust your lifestyle.

You could stop working OT and start retraining online as a start. I think if you and your partner can't agree on a budget and lifestyle you are wasting your time being together.

Indeed! The same post in reverse 🙄🙄

You can’t make your parnter change a job they enjoy and get great benefits and an okay salary. Change your own job.