For asking my partner to consider changing jobs to allow me to work less?

[LPJ123]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 13 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument as I would like them to consider moving jobs to earn more money.

They earn 30k in a job that they love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; they say they’re not just another number.

I earn around 40k basic, but last year earned 65k due to all the overtime I do. I need to do this for us as we bought and renovated a house together recently. We are also trying to save for a wedding and our future. I have also been paying off a my student loan through PAYE - it’s almost done. We have other debts. My partners car is on its last legs. We’re both feeling the strain money-wise.

I feel it's unfair that I have to work so much overtime. I don’t like my job- I work in a (window-less) factory, and it can be extremely stressful at times. The company culture is also poor. I work early/late shifts (I just came off permanent nights after 5 years) and I feel these shifts are really taking a toll on me.

I feel guilty that I have asked them to consider leaving their job and lovely colleagues for a workplace they could be absolutely miserable in. However I do feel it’s unfair that I’m killing myself to support us both and our future plans.

My partner currently picks up most of the work at home- cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc. (I would say 80/20 split). I would like to contribute more but often I’m simply not at home or absolutely exhausted from long / early shifts. As our house renovation is also ongoing I often spend time working on this rather than doing housework.

My ideal scenario would be a better balance of roles.

AIBU?

there’s only one thing the DP should be leaving, hint, it’s not their job.

I said the same thing on the other thread.

The issue here is your job, not theirs.

If you are not happy, then find a new job.

£60k between 2 people is more than enough to live a good life on.

If you want a more high pressured job or to earn more money, then that’s up to you but your DP does not nee to change their job over it.

I would be questioning whether this is a relationship that I want to stay in if I was your DP.
Perhaps you’re just too incompatible.

Is this serious? Change jobs if you are not happy it is not rocket science

This.

As I commented on the other thread OP - why don't you just stop working overtime, and change jobs?
Your 'future plans' will have to take a running jump, sure.
You can't make your DP change jobs but equally they should be on board with no plans.
Also, if you're both looking to internet strangers to validate your opinions this relationship is doomed.

Stop doing so much overtime. Let your partner take public transport. Problem solved.

You both seem very immature.

U don't like your job. Your partner likes their job. Solution u change. There is a chance you could both end up in a job u dislike if your partner changes. Lower your expectations re accommodation and lifestyle so u can take a drop in salary if necessary.

Tedious reverse of the post earlier in the week, written from the woman’s perspective. You won’t get a different response but then I think that is your point. The writing style is the same as the woman’s post…….. my guess is that she showed her post to her fiancé and he had a strop saying that the post was biased and that if he wrote a post from his point of view, then the advice would be different. So the woman has done another post written as if it was from her fiancé, to prove a point that she is still right.

@LPJ123 my friend retired at 50yo. He said he never enjoyed his job but it was a means to an end.

I think enjoying your job is the most important thing - I love what I do and am still working and might never stop, lol!

I've had good and bad employers though and wouldn't stay with one just because they were good - I was always seeking to further my career and grow.

Your, DP is the one to make the decision though and whilst his £30k is less than your £65k he is contributing at home significantly so do take that value in mind. My DH looked after the kids to allow me to grow my career, so your DP staying in his job might give you career opportunities you haven't yet thought about...

Apparently it's the DP himself.
They both sound like children massively involving strangers on the internet in their relationship issues.
Hope the OP of the other thread doesn't get pregnant a baby is the last thing needed in this mess.

Attention seeking
Social media generation would be my view

You need to choose between your partner and your current lifestyle. You could manage a very comfortable life on that joint income if you cut your coat according to your cloth. Clearly though you have high aspirations, and there's nothing wrong with that either. However, everyone is entitled to prioritise happiness in their work over financial gain, and vice versa, but life partners need to be on the same page with their priorities.

Yup

If your partner changes jobs and hates it or is always stressed, then that wouldn’t be good for your relationship either. Is it worth risking your relationship?

Wouldn’t it be better for both of you to have jobs you love? It might mean lowering your standard of living a bit, but I’d rather have less money and be happy rather than be able to afford more stuff but have to spend the majority of my life working in a job I hate. I think this is how your wife feels.

The obvious solution is you changing your role, and as a couple you reducing your outgoings.

working in a windowless factory does sound shit.

The partner’s role sounds great - why on Earth should that change?

But also the sex of the parties is always relevant and informative in every scenario - gender pay gap and workplace discrimination just being obvious examples.

And also the fact men are known to over estimate their amount of domestic work - so if a man says 80:20 I’d think it’s probably 95:5. And women underestimate the share they are doing.

What a tedious reverse.

Reported.

But you chose to take on renovations knowing your salary and your husbands salary....you must be living above your means. I don't see why your husband has to leave a job and company he loves. You shouldn't be forced to stay in a job you hate either, or have to shoulder the burden of the majority of your finances. Maybe sell and down size and live the life you can both comfortably afford, not the life you clearly are struggling to pay for?

1- it's bad form to stalk your DP on mumsnet and post the opposite position, in fact it's creepy
2- she has a decent job. She'd have to earn about an extra £10k to feel a significant increase monthly and that's a bit unrealistic.
3- you're fortunate to have a partner who takes on most of the house tasks despite working full time. Why would you upset the apple cart like that?

YABU to do a reverse TAAT

Highly doubt you were pulling your weight when you weren't pulling so much overtime. Highly doubt it.

And we've all read the original thread.

If my partner asked me to leave a job I loved for the reasons you have listed while I was also picking up most of the domestic work, I would dump them.

Oh there is always one man hating person so quick to jump on the post. This is meant to be a man writing this. Not sure it's even a real post tho because this is a reverse of a post from a few days ago

as Others said this is a reverse linked to another post

you need to separate the issues about money and housework they are totally separate

money wise
if there not to prepared to maximise there earnings like you to make it a team effort
then just go 50/50 on everything and keep the extra cash for yourself it needs to be a joint effort

housework again split that but 2 adults no kids there can’t be hours and hours of cleaning
personally I would do a big clean once a week and a quick wipe of bathroom and kitchen mid week online shopping

It really sounds like you’re unhappy and work and YOU need to change YOUR job.

This has to the most pathetic thing I have seen on MN and that is saying something?

You are living beyond your means. DH and I earn a bit more than both of your basic salaries and we have reared a family of 3 on that!!!

I sincerely hope your fiancée sees you for what you are and runs for the hills. You couldn’t care less about her happiness. You are simply just greedy. Why don’t you get a better paid job that doesn’t rely on overtime?

Otherwise cut your cloth according to your means. If I were her, this sad little attempt to justify yourself by posting here would be the final straw and I would be out!

Isn't this a reverse of another thread on here ....?