For asking my partner to consider changing jobs to allow me to work less?

[LPJ123]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 13 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument as I would like them to consider moving jobs to earn more money.

They earn 30k in a job that they love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; they say they’re not just another number.

I earn around 40k basic, but last year earned 65k due to all the overtime I do. I need to do this for us as we bought and renovated a house together recently. We are also trying to save for a wedding and our future. I have also been paying off a my student loan through PAYE - it’s almost done. We have other debts. My partners car is on its last legs. We’re both feeling the strain money-wise.

I feel it's unfair that I have to work so much overtime. I don’t like my job- I work in a (window-less) factory, and it can be extremely stressful at times. The company culture is also poor. I work early/late shifts (I just came off permanent nights after 5 years) and I feel these shifts are really taking a toll on me.

I feel guilty that I have asked them to consider leaving their job and lovely colleagues for a workplace they could be absolutely miserable in. However I do feel it’s unfair that I’m killing myself to support us both and our future plans.

My partner currently picks up most of the work at home- cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc. (I would say 80/20 split). I would like to contribute more but often I’m simply not at home or absolutely exhausted from long / early shifts. As our house renovation is also ongoing I often spend time working on this rather than doing housework.

My ideal scenario would be a better balance of roles.

AIBU?

Please please reconsider this balance and do not back down. I was in exactly the same position 20 years ago. Over the years I have felt more and more pressured to keep up the income and lifestyle we've become accustomed to, whereas he's always had the lower income, easier job. Despite me asking him to share the financial load and get a better paid job, he's always argued back. The icing on the cake is 20 years later, he now says he feels emasculated and like I don't need him. Please try to make your relationship feel like an equal partnership and not one where you will forced to remain the main breadwinner.

@Fallenangelofthenorth then you're just feeding the beast. They've won anyway- they got cocklodger in the 8th response. Their point is proven.

Because based on the partner’s post, she posted as a female. This is an annoying reverse. This is the original post made by the partner here
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4997707-for-staying-in-my-job-when-dp-doesnt-want-me-to

Do you think you’re being very clever posting the same post (practically word for word - lazy!) as the one the other day but reversing? Give over.

Sounds like you are both pulling your weight equally. But you don’t like how it’s working.

That doesn’t mean your partner has to earn more or change their job. How come they can just change their job and earn more, easily, but you couldn’t possibly get a different job that made you happier and earned more?

What happens when your partner earns a bit more and hates their job environment and you also don’t like where you work. Even though you just work a bit less?

Didn't I read this yesterday

What do you mean by a better balance of roles when you’ve also said you don’t plan to pick up any more of the housework? If you can’t cook a meal several nights a week and participate in housework then I wouldn’t change my job, I’d change my partner (from your partners perspective). There are many many people who work very busy hours and lives. When I see people like you say I can’t fit anything in at home, I think of all of us who just do and think pathetic whiner, it’s probably a man (no idea what you are). Sometimes we are cooking tomorrows dinner at 10pm, because we have busy jobs, Dh is gone at 6am, I often have evenings meetings, and we have three dc who go to school and childcare and don’t go to sleep in the evening and wake us at night and have footy basketball swimming athletics piano etc to go to. I suggest you do less on the reno next week, plan shop and cook all week like you expect your partner to, clean up afterwards if you expect her to do it too, rather than tell her you’ve cleaned up (your partner must be a woman, I’m so sure of that) you ask is this to your standards? What else would you do? And after a week of that (remind her not to say thank you unless you do regularly) you think of all the cleaning. And tidying and washing etc that you didn’t do, and think there is no way I can ask her to step up unless I step up at home. Can I do that or am I being very very unfair? News for you - woman don’t have 48 hour days while men have 24. We aren’t full time stay at home wives and also full time workers to bring in equal salary while also babying you. If you value her role at home, respect it and step up to make space for her to work more if you feel that’s needed. If you don’t value it, I hope she never ever does anything for you again and leaves you to find someone who does.

Did you think people wouldn’t notice?

I assumed partner was a he based on the fact that it was gender neutral, but posted on a predominantly female website… either way my answer stands.

the OP (irrelevant really as we’re now debating a troll) did indicate that they would pick up their share of the household chores if they could cut their hours- so for me that’s a non issue.

Whilst housework has value, in this model it is proposed that doing 80% of the housework is equivalent to doing work for the home worth £35k a year, which unless you are cleaning Windsor castle I don’t buy.

So what is the, shit, point you are trying to make by posting this from different povs?

So many people who do this. The one married to the surgeon (sometimes engineer, sometimes an undefined specialist) who works a couple of hours away. The one that’s convinced her coworker is obsessed with her. The one who thinks the man she fancies is communicating via the medium of music. Answers are, on the whole, the same everyone.

Just want to point out why are you wasting your money paying off a student loan when you have other debts?

Sounds like you have a dinner cooked for you and on the table when you come home from work.

Someone (not you) had put food in the fridge, washed the clothes, done the hoovering, cleaned the toilets you use, and made sure the electric was paid and the plumber was rung to come next week, etc.

Why did you sign up for a house that cost more than you can afford/wish to pay for?

Why the sudden resentment arising now?

You have deeper commitment issues and resentment towards your partner, now that the reality of signing up to them 'for life' has become apparent to you.

Did you not get the answers you wanted the other day?

You are feeling the financial strain on £95k and no children? This post cannot be real, that's laughable.

To be fair half of them don't, even though the other half have pointed it out. I don't know why people bother using discussion forums when they don't read other posts.

If you earned £95k a year between you and have no kids and can't manage, you have massively overstretched your finances. You need to sell that property and find something you can afford. If this were a woman working in a great job that they loved and earning £30k, but still able to do 80 of the life admin, I don't think anyone would be telling her to up her earning power. You need to find a job you like and can continue working in, and cut your cloth to a lif that you can afford. If you are planning on having kids, you need to sort all of this out now, as there will be a lot more expense and also life admin once they come along!

OK, bloke here so a different perspective.

Most women on here will tell you they are all up for equality, mainly earn more than their husband and do all the cooking and cleaning. I think that is not true.

You earn slightly more than your missus, basic and a lot more when you work overtime. Ideally, we would live in a post-feminist post-patriarchy paradise. But we don't. Bringing in a good bit more than you wife does not get you brownie points, it is the minimum expected.

If the housework is 80/20 split, you are a very fortunate man. Frankly, I am stunned you are complaining. When couple talk about housework split, they will big up how much the wife does. If you are earning about 50% more and doing a fraction of the housework, you are being spoiled compared to 80-90% of men out there.

Seriously, OP, do you not talk about this with your mates? I think they will laugh at your complaints.

Ok, Woman here. Please don’t tell women what they think.

If a woman says something, believe what she is saying. Don’t listen or read what women say and then believe what you want anyway.

Earning more is really not the minimum expected. I don’t know any woman that believes her husband has to earn slightly more than them.

I wonder if your partner would share your assessment or if the two if you have ever done a forensic accounting for who actually spends how much time on what. In any case you are talking out of your arse generalizing from this to "80-90% of men." Research CONSISTENTLY shows that in couples where the woman out-earns the man, she will ALSO be spending vastly more time on household than her male partner. Here's just one of many studies pointing to this effect which holds true cross-nationally. Note that in this particular study the effect is true even discounting parenting tasks - it's purely about household-related labour.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2022/03/220331101532.htm

Which makes reverse posters such as this one who likely thinks he's been oh so clever not just tedious but downright pathetic.

@GrumpyPanda, She does agree with me, but this is Scandinavia, is the culture is a little different.

YOU need to get another job

I can’t believe that someone on this thread has actually said that someone who earns £40k is a cocklodger. Fuck me now I’ve heard it all.

OP yabu. I don’t give a shit whether you’re male or female, if you don’t like working the hours you do then you find another job, and if that means earning slightly less then so be it.

You already earn way above the national average, so time to cut your cloth.

Interestingly there’s another thread atm where a poster quit work to have children and has no plans of ever going back because she’s being subsidised by her family and her dh. Interestingly there’s been very little criticism there.

The OP is male and complaining that his wife who has a job and does 80% of the housework is not doing enough. So, no.

Working full time and doing 80% of the housework makes them (as we don’t know it they are male or female) a cocklodger?