DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

Well presumably they want to see their son and that is the reason for their visit and why they are asking during that time?

I think it would be nice for you spend a bit of time together first but then have them visit. Presumably your DH also wants to see them?

I get that you want time together, but if he is only back for a month this is their only time to see him too? And they won’t be staying with you so you will have some space? Can’t you ask for it to be towards the end of his leave so you have a bit of breathing space?

I would stop doing all of the running when he is away though.

He’s not only back for a month and as said in OP he will see them before he come home to us.

If he is going to see them prior to coming home to you then I would say no.

How long will he see them for before he comes home though?

they probably do want to see you and the children as well but feel more comfortable doing it when their son is also there. It’s a long journey and an expense for them to visit so it’s understandable that they don’t do it all the time and do it when he is home.

if he is back for a month can there visit be in week 3 so you have a couple of weeks together first and then some more time just before he returns?

@Haydenn how do you mean running…

as in making an effort to keep in contact with them?

Tbh I do it more for my DC.

I’d say no, they can delay the visit for a few weeks and see you all once you, DH and the kids are all caught up. They get to see DH on his way home anyway.

Being apart for that length of time is really tough, let alone all you’ve dealt with and I think you need to be prioritised right now. Can DH explain to them he needs to settle in first?

If he's seeing them before he comes home to you and the kids then I would absolutely say no to them visiting.

They've been AWOL for 6 months and not at all interested in your lives, I appreciate he's their son but given how long he's been away I don't think it's precious to want some time as just your family unit.

Although I'm amazed he's planning to see them first to be honest, surely he's desperate to get back and see the kids as soon as possible??

Second saying no if he has already visited them.

Been there, done that. Unless you have experienced it you cannot know what it is like to have them home on leave for a short while after being away for months.

MIL sees her son prior to you. She's made no effort whilst he was away.

I would give her firm dates to come to visit which would be towards (hopefully) the tail end of your DH's time at home.

Yes MIL wants to see her son, but your family has needs which come before hers.

Mantaining a relationship when one partner is away for long periods of time needs to be made an absolute and clear priority.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

This is the crucial point

He will have just seen them, so the first month or so of him being back is definitely your turn. Maybe they can come visit once he’s been back a while.

@Doppelgangers it is a pain but a logistical thing, he has to pick something up…

We had to do it last time he come back from deployment as well and the DC and I didn’t hear the end of it from her, “nice to get 1st hug” to DC “don’t worry your cousin gave him him a big kiss on your behalf” blah blah…

like I said she has form! 😬😅

@Doppelgangers

Although I'm amazed he's planning to see them first to be honest, surely he's desperate to get back and see the kids as soon as possible??

They might be going to greet him or live near the place he is returning. If he is in the Navy you can wave the ship in and they may live near the port.

OP got there before me!

What a cow bag - setting herself up in competition with you and your DDs and deliberately letting your DD feel excluded.
Tell her to get tae fuck.

Edited for typo

But then DH is not there?

Good god she sounds horrendous!!!

Your poor kids!

Just say no . She will have already seen your H , has made no attempt to be supportive to you and her grandkids whilst he’s been deployed, so she can stop the charade x
Enjoy your family x

Wouldn't it be up to your DH?

Ugh she sounds like she'll try to monopolise dh when hes back. I think you're being perfectly reasonable to say no, but dh needs to be the one to tell her - that you all have so much to do when hes home you can't fit in any visitors, and "I just really want to focus on DryJanuary and the kids, it's such a short time".

Perhaps he could offer to extend his stay with her for a day or so (only!) to sweeten it?

I'd tell him to spend a few days with them before he comes home. I'd tell them that while it would be lovely to see them, that you would prefer if they come for a week on the summer instead.

eurgh whilst I do think a visit is reasonable this sounds horrible.

I’m not sure where everyone is getting that DH is only back for a month…

The only reference I gave to a month was hoping that’s how long we would have together being in our little post deployment bubble before back to the really world family visiting etc

What does your DH want?

Ah well in that case yes of course she should wait. Bloody hell!

OP said at 11.19:
He’s not only back for a month and as said in OP he will see them before he come home to us.

So I assume he's back for a few months and can see ILs anytime during that period.