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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

444 replies

Thedryjanuarydiaries · 02/02/2024 11:14

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 02/02/2024 14:17

My husband and I are both retired forces (American.) You're getting a lot of useless opinions here because most MNers are unfamiliar with military life. You need an adjustment period after a long deployment in order to settle back into being a couple and a family. That period is vital. There's a reason why divorce is so prevalent in the forces. In our particular military branch the divorce rate is upwards of 70%.

Tell MIL that the dates don't suit. Don't get into a long explanation, because she's not a reasonable person. Just arrange their visit for after he's been home awhile and that readjustment has taken place.

She sounds like a nightmare, btw. The things she's said to your children are beyond the pale. Dh, not you, needs to firmly address that with her after he's been home a bit.

NotQuiteNorma · 02/02/2024 14:17

How long are they actually going to be there for?

Nanaof1 · 02/02/2024 14:19

Thedryjanuarydiaries · 02/02/2024 12:05

It’s only a week and to be fair on them they don’t stay with us and won’t be with us every minute of the day but it’s still a fair bit of hosting, making small conversation, planning/cooking meals, going along what plans they might want to do in a time period where I just want to be in a little bubble with DH and the DC.

Since they will see him first, you and your DC deserve to have a month or two all to yourselves.

There is no need to try and placate her when she acts as she does. Your DH, you and your DC are your own little family unit. Your ILs are not a part of that little unit, they belong to the bigger one. The little family unit must come first, as your DC AND you need to feel like the priority.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/02/2024 14:24

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/02/2024 11:46

How's this

Dear MIL
I know you are longing to see DH, we all are. He has missed so much in my and the children's lives in the past X months. I hope you won't take offence to this but I would prefer if we had some time with DH by ourselves for at least a month to allow him to settle back into home life and spend some time with his family. As it is, he is stopping off to see you and Z on his way back.
You and FIL would be very welcome from X onwards and the kids will have some time off school around Y. We do need to keep X dates free for our own summer holiday though.
Lastly, you really upset the children by pointing out that their cousins had seen DH before they did when he came home from X in 20xx. I would really appreciate it if you could be more sensitive to this, this time around as they have really had a difficult time while he has been away and he has missed so many big events in their lives this year.
Please let me know if this works for you and I'll ring fence some dates now so that we can all spend time with you when you are here especially as it's such a long journey for you.
Much love
your dutiful DIL

This is a beautifully diplomatic way of telling her no, and also pointing out 'kindly' to her that she needs to do better by her grandchildren.

I'd be considerably more blunt (probably starting with a 'hell, no!') because her mean-spiritedness strikes me as capable of ignoring nuance and subtlety. Some people need to be told straight, and she strikes me as one of those people.

However you tell her though, the answer is NO.

MikeRafone · 02/02/2024 14:24

Id email back

Hi, It would be nice if you could overlap your visit so you get part of the time that dh is not home and then a few days when he is hoe. I am suggesting this as otherwise it puts a lot of pressure on us as a family to fit in so very much before he leaves again. Alternatively, as I know you'll see him at home on his way back - why don't you visit towards the end of his stay. That way again there will not be so much pressure on us as a family. TBH I think the end of his stay and then overlap that so you can spend some extra time with the grandchildren as it would be great for me to have some help also.

Screamo · 02/02/2024 14:25

edit as wrong comment!

NotQuiteNorma · 02/02/2024 14:25

Thedryjanuarydiaries · 02/02/2024 14:15

@Godzillaisjusthangry this made me laugh so much, I’m presuming you are/were in the army and are wrongly generalising your service with all.

DH is NOT army and is indeed uncontactable, there is no internet/phone line where he is due to complete secrecy and security.

Any births, deaths, accidents are sent coded /encrypted means and are delivered to the CO in charge at the end of trip…no one wants to get a pipe at the end of a trip!

As a further laugh I certainly can’t be contacting FPS asking them to break DH’s service of UK continuity protection to ask if his folks can come to visit!

Just so you’re clear, what you have spouted is complete bullshit!!

Edited

How long is his mother actually looking at visiting? A couple of hours or days?

Mrsttcno1 · 02/02/2024 14:26

Honestly OP I wouldn’t even worry about this. He’s going to see them before he comes home so they get to have a little reunion with him then, and they can then come see you all together again once you’ve had your time as a family to reconnect. X

Windymcwindyson · 02/02/2024 14:28

Or dh will be guilted into agreeing to her demands..

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 02/02/2024 14:29

I'd tell them that it's not a good time can they come later at the end of the month or beginning of next month.
Just make up something if you have too.

Brefugee · 02/02/2024 14:29

CatOnTheLap · 02/02/2024 14:01

@Brefugee I remember when i was about 9 and all our dads came back from 6 months somewhere, and the mums whose husbands hadn't been away, divided us all up and had us over for tea after school for the first full day home.
I think that’s lovely, all the families being caring and supportive.

@Nanny0gg sorry - i misunderstood you. We're saying the same thing.

I learnt a lot of my supportive feminism from the wives in my dad's regiment (no female soldiers in that one back then. There are now.)

Mumofoneandone · 02/02/2024 14:33

As your DH is going to see MIL on the way home anyway, she will have a 'son fix'. Let MIL that you would love to see her, but you can't confirm dates until DH is home and more settled. You have every right to your family bubble for a period of time that suits you all. He obviously hasn't been ill but almost needs a form of 'convalescence' when he comes back to adjust to the changes he will undergo between deployment and home.

Darkandstormynite · 02/02/2024 14:36

Thedryjanuarydiaries · 02/02/2024 14:15

@Godzillaisjusthangry this made me laugh so much, I’m presuming you are/were in the army and are wrongly generalising your service with all.

DH is NOT army and is indeed uncontactable, there is no internet/phone line where he is due to complete secrecy and security.

Any births, deaths, accidents are sent coded /encrypted means and are delivered to the CO in charge at the end of trip…no one wants to get a pipe at the end of a trip!

As a further laugh I certainly can’t be contacting FPS asking them to break DH’s service of UK continuity protection to ask if his folks can come to visit!

Just so you’re clear, what you have spouted is complete bullshit!!

Edited

Fair enough. I didn't appreciate he was in the Navy. So disregard my comment and I apologise if it has caused any offence.

I do tend to look at service life through the lens of my own experience and I've been reminded today it doesn't always translate.

Apologies 💐

Fwiw tell your MIL to do one!

TheABC · 02/02/2024 14:39

Ex-forces family here.
Tell your MIL no, enjoy your post-deployment bubble and start strategizing how to maximise your sex time.

Original poster
Thedryjanuarydiaries · 02/02/2024 14:40

@MikeRafone why would I email this…

Its the very opposite of what I want!!!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 02/02/2024 14:40

Darkandstormynite · 02/02/2024 14:13

Ah good point! is he a submariner @Thedryjanuarydiaries ?

Sorry, always think with a green head on.

I've heard so much bullshit over the years that's been told to spouses its unreal!

Show quote history

How about just believing the OP?

Original poster
Thedryjanuarydiaries · 02/02/2024 14:41

@NotQuiteNorma read the thread, all the information is there!

OP posts:
2024please · 02/02/2024 14:42

Just say No. You & DC take precedence, you will need that time together as a family.

boopboopbidoop · 02/02/2024 14:48

Totally up to you what the right thing is. I suspect after a long time away there is an adjustment period upon return. I think saying 'we would love to get together family but we need our resettling in month first. How about you come down around (put in date) and then we will all be in the right frame of mind to enjoy time together. Sure you understand!'
Love xx

Just be factual.

dailyduel · 02/02/2024 14:50

I’d just respond saying he needs time to settle back into family life before any visits etc take place. Either say at least a month or you will be in touch when DH is home and you’ve both decided when would be a good time.

follow up with of course we all want to see you bull shit but when the time is right and not before. Family comes first.

viridiano · 02/02/2024 14:57

Thedryjanuarydiaries · 02/02/2024 11:35

I’m not sure where everyone is getting that DH is only back for a month…

The only reference I gave to a month was hoping that’s how long we would have together being in our little post deployment bubble before back to the really world family visiting etc

It's not unreasonable that you want a bit of time with your DH before seeing your in laws, but I think a month is a lot. They'll be missing him too.

viridiano · 02/02/2024 14:59

dailyduel · 02/02/2024 14:50

I’d just respond saying he needs time to settle back into family life before any visits etc take place. Either say at least a month or you will be in touch when DH is home and you’ve both decided when would be a good time.

follow up with of course we all want to see you bull shit but when the time is right and not before. Family comes first.

No - he should talk to them himself. I would be really upset to receive this message off my son's wife. It sounds controlling.

What does he think - does he get a say? You should make the decision together and then he communicates it to them.

coconutpie · 02/02/2024 15:01

YANBU. You and the DC are the priority. Also, if DH will be seeing them before he even sees you, then he has seen them already and doesn't need to cut into the time with his immediate family to see them again.

Also, your ILs have made no effort with you and DC while he's been away so I would be giving them the same treatment - no effort.

Tell ILs no.

ilovesushi · 02/02/2024 15:05

I wouldn't feel bad about asking them not to come at all especially as he is popping in on them on his way home. They can catch up with him later once you have reestablished your own family unit.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 02/02/2024 15:08

@Thedryjanuarydiaries I think you should tell him to come straight home to you and not to stop at his mothers house this time!!! you and your family are more important. he can see them on the way out when he leaves! certainly would not want them visiting in the first month after his return. to understand logistics, what country are you in??