DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

RTFT!!!!

I think it's fine to say "He'll be seeing you before he gets home because of the route back. We really can't commit to a visit after that yet. We need to spend some time with just us before we start making plans like that. Lovely as your visits are it would be too overwhelming to try to fit one in too soon after X's return. Once things have settled down a bit we might be able to fit something in before his next deployment but we can't deal with making plans for that yet."

You're not saying no, you're saying "give us a chance to catch our breath FFS"

“tone death”

It’s deaf btw

He has made his feelings known.
Just need to frame it diplomatically for MIL

So pleased to see your update!

As lovely as a parent coming home from a long period is unless you have been in that situation it's bloody hard too.
By day 4 life is full of " I've got you a treat, you loved doing this when I left" "no that's childish, I don't do that any more". "I've made your favourite tea" "I'm vegetarian now, queue rant about animal welfare". Earlier conversation "you've moved the spatulas and how do you turn the oven on, is it a new oven?" "are you going to see X friend at the weekend?" "No we felt out" "tell me about" "no it's was ages ago and I'm bored of talking about it"
Week 3 was bickering between my parents having spent 2 weeks walking on egg shells so not to spoil the homecoming. Staying quiet about all the minor irritations that they come out in one over 2 days before realising it's ok to call out the mild irksome stuff. My dad wasn't in the forces but lived in hotels or factories for months living off restaurant or takeaways or food that could only be cooked with a kettle meant the first week or two of his cooking was a bit ropey and resulted in emergency chippy teas more than once and still are spoke about today more than 20 years later

People joking about the sex and the cuddles I think are missing the darker side of coming home. The guilt from the home side of not being the same person they left and the awkwardness for the person returning not entirely recognising the loved ones they have come home too. The adjustment of treating a loved as a prized visitor and then realising that they need to be dad/mum and husband/wife in a house that has adjusted to tick along without that role being needed. There's 3-5 days of the good stuff there's a week after least of the mundane and then its finding a place for everyone

Glad it's sorted Op and hope your DH gets home safely.

[It's tone DEAF, not death BTW]

You need the time to yourselves without having to stress about his parents. Deal with it now and then look forward to his homecoming.

From this I deduce DH is a submariner, so not usually easily contactable,

Sorry to be laughing...note mumsnet not the place to come for advice on military life!
Another forces wife here and pretty sure i can hazard a guess at your OH's role.
I would answer along the lines of...it would be lovely to arrange something when OH's return date is more certain...and aim for a week in the middle, so that you get at least afull week at home together as a family before any visits, but you also get the last week before he has to go back to work to yourselves too.
We have done a number of very low contact 6months tours and its only fair the kids gets that time with their dad and they should be the priority regardless of if you in laws were the best humans on earth or the worst.

Good luck.
We're 'lucky' theat in the inlaws never bother to come here, its always assumed we will go to them!

Please forgive me and realize I am almost 70, but I think I now have a tiny crush on you VDH!

Bravo to him! Tell your ILs that, because you aren't sure when he'll be back, that you will let them know a good time to visit after you all have had a month or so to catch up. Them making plans now, even setting the time back, is premature since nothing is set in stone and is up in the air.

Have a wonderful reunion! 💖❤🍺🍻

I’m as thick as two short planks and even I figured out he was on a submarine many posts ago! 😆

Pretty much straight away but didn't want to make a thing of it because there's so much sensitivity around them and their location

I agree @DeeLusional - assumed nuclear submarines with the info given.

Just in case you’ve not had many posts with this view, I’d be saying no to a set week when timescales are so fluid. Of course you and the children want time with your husband/dad to reconnect before anyone else gets A time, even if they are his parents.

You were very generous to say yes to MIL’s revised dates but if it was me I’d be caveating if it with “dates might need to change, so make sure you book somewhere with a 24-hour cancellation policy”.

Glad to see from your update that your DH has the same view!

I’m not one of those mother in-laws

im just trying to help a different perspective as I am a daughter in law also … with a fractured relationship with them but .. being a mother of two sons and they have wives and having lost a few friends suddenly at this age ..( I’m 60 and they were mid fifties to 60 +) I can see that it would not worth the regret
Life can turn on a penny and even though I have a fractured relationship with my in-laws ( elderly now ) I understand more than you would know how losing people can cause regret no matter how “right “ of “ justified” it was / felt at the time
a few hours would not hurt .. and then the rest of the month together
I never cause issues .. and I would hate to impose on our children for more than is decent anyway .. namely just a few hours would be ideal to see them all.
People are people .. we are all human … life is short … shorter than we can imagine.
until you’re a mother inlaw .. ( an I still have one myself ) then it’s a case of being diplomatic and having some foresight … we are all human … some are more inconsiderate than others … but be the bigger person .. … in will never ever cause trouble for my sons and their families ..my years left are a premium and I will do all I humanly can to keep the peace and enjoy our grandbabies and our sons and their wives

Lol I was an army wife for many years .Sorry but mil can do one r&r during the tour and afterwards it's for lots of lovely sex and spending time with the kids .Mil can see you all next holiday break .

I despair of the lack of comprehension

But we can't always get what we want, can we?

Haven't read the whole thread but @Sluggy1967 as I said I was an army wife for many years . There are times when a son's mother needs to take a step back and wait , and this is one of those times . OP will have been through a hard time being on her own with the kids , dealing with every little thing on her own . They need couple time , they have missed each other , the kids missed him . My mil never intruded like this , she had more sense or she would have been told in no uncertain terms , now is not the time .

The in laws are going to stay a week, what is the relevance of your ‘ just a few hours’? That doesn’t apply to the op.

How is your "perspective" relevant to this case? Do you really understand this thread as the OP forbidding a "couple of hours" meeting?

1)his parents will see him before he gets home
2)his parents live 9 hours away, so meeting for a couple of hours isn't practical, and they are planning a week-long visit, which means spending lots of time together

You have absolutely no idea the excitement when they are coming home , in my mind my husband was a sex god 😂 . And yes that month or so is like a honeymoon with the kids . Now it's all over ( career in forces ) maybe I'd like him to bugger off for a while now 😂.

Go girl ... Enjoy your long awaited reunion! Hugs and the rest.
You sound wise and reasonable and naturally DH is completely in agreement!

[Why do people join these forums to not bother to read or to just try to rile up the poster with imaginary objections?]

@cavalier it’s not trolling to point out that facts of my OP and subsequent updates which you have missed which in turn made your response non relevant.

@ZiriForGood is right, you’re situation is completely different to mine.

The amount of posters that have either not bothered to RTFT, lack comprehension or just decided to make up their own narrative and then argue with it is next level!!

I think, unless you have been part of a forces family it is very hard to understand. For us, it was my dad, not OH, but I understand 100%.

It's not just about wanting to spend extra time with him alone, it's re-finding the balance of having another adult back at home, another parent to your kids. You need that bubble to refind your balance. We were used to Dad disappearing for months on end with virtually no contact, and then reappearing within a rough time scale but no exact dates.

I would respond with "can we arrange it for x dates as we know OH will definitely be home by then" Don't give a blunt no, but a suggestion of a new date a month after his expected arrival home - I know how tough that first month can be, so be firm!