DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

Sounds like he is on Subs or similar sort of service. OP only you can decide the nuances of how your family life sits but you are perfectly within your rights to say no to the request and offer other dates that work better for your schedule once you have had your time with the immediate family bubble.

@MyselfYouselfMeYou have you actually read any of my posts?!

are you now or have you ever been part of a military family? it is extremely hard to understand what it's like if you haven't

if you have - how don't you get this?

Unfortunately that’s just not our and many other service families life work, to start with DH is operational at the moment and for us that means he is uncontactable and will be for quite some time, this decision is on me.

I just need to pick up on this point as this is often something a lot of service families are told and is simply not true.

Both myself and DH are ex military and have done multiple operational deployments between us. There is always a way for service personnel to contact families, it's part of the deployment welfare package. Either through phone cards or daily access to the Internet. At the very least, email is available.

I'm guessing he's either in Kenya or Estonia at the moment. Either way there are established comms opportunities and it's usually one of the first support functions setup on a 6 month deployment.

I'm raising this as over the years I've heard my male colleagues tell their spouses multiple times they are out of contact when it's simply not true.

One guy was on the phone in the open office telling his wife that he was being deployed again and she was very upset asking him why he was always being deployed. Because the cheeky fucker kept volunteering and told his wife he was just unlucky and didn't really want to go!!

Surely you just need to respond with that then... 'The dates aren't certain so we can't commit to them, will speak to DH when he is back and get back to you from there'

Then once your DH is back and you have spoken in person, he can decide if he fancies a visit from them or not.

one of the jobs i had was familygrams. There isn't - when it's subs for eg - endless time, room, capacity or desire for the families to share this stuff.

And i trust OP to know how her family works. I know when i was at the sharp-end if my OH had used a precious message to ask about this kind of thing, i'd not have been impressed.

Hi Op, I can completely empathise as a fellow forces spouse recently coming off a deployment. In fact I could have almost written your post. If you husband will see his parents already, I think there is absolutely nothing wrong in advocating for yourself and choosing a date that works better for you. After all- you’ve been holding the fort doing it all single handed for 6 months, the last thing you need is for your in laws to come and need hosting, putting extra burden on you.

Take the time you need to regroup and rebond as a family, and the time that you need personally to recuperate following the tour, otherwise you’ll just burn out and the resentment of the tour and all the other bits that come with it will build up (I speak from experience sadly!).

good luck for the last few weeks of the tour- sure you’re doing a brilliant job, but there’s always a network of other forces spouses who ‘get it’ if you need support!!

@Brefugee I remember when i was about 9 and all our dads came back from 6 months somewhere, and the mums whose husbands hadn't been away, divided us all up and had us over for tea after school for the first full day home.
I think that’s lovely, all the families being caring and supportive.

Given that you're not sure when he'll be home, and he will already have seen them!, YANBU. If they hadn't seen him in a long time, I'd be more in favour of letting them visit but I'd be politely refusing to let them plan anything until dates were definite.

Accept them visiting after your DH has been home a few weeks at least.

How long is MIL seeing him for before he comes home? There's a big difference between a greet at the docks for an hour or so, and him spending a couple of days at her house.

I get what you're saying, and as my DD was in a relationship with a submariner for a few years, I understand the issues. But at the same time, I'm picking up that mil also has some restrictions on when she can come to you, so I suspect that it's only going to be fair to compromise a little.

I'd say to her that it would be lovely to see her, but you're concerned that any changes to his arrival day might mean that she's with you in the early days of his return, and that given that there is an awful lot that's gone on in his absence that he'll need to process, that you'd ask her not to come if it turns out that her visit is within the first couple of weeks. You could also mention that you want the children to have their dad to themselves to build back their relationship.

As she won't be staying with you, or being with you all the time, I think week 3 or 4 could be manageable.

I haven’t. But I have got an imagination.

ig you’ve been apart for months it must take a while to re acclimatise with each other.

MiL will have already seen him

she can wait

Well, that is you. My experience at the sharp end was different.

I’d say no just purely because as an adult I can quite easily go without seeing my parents for 6 months or longer just because they live quite far away, so I don’t think there’s any ‘need’ for them to be there when he’s catching up with his children and wife. And yes the ‘first hug’ business would really get on my nerves.

Veterans wife here. What the hell did I just read from mil!!??

telling DC cousins had already hugged their DF after deployment etc- NOPE! 😮

if they wanted to see their GC they could have helped when he was tour.

They will have already seen their son.

Post tour time as a couple and nuclear family is important for all you. It’s a unique experience that you can’t fully understand if you’ve not lived it, so I understand people may think it’s unreasonable but it isn’t.

definitely YANBU

Did you read where it was the OP doing all the running with in-laws?

They will have already seen him so YANBU at all to put off an extended visit from her until a better time. Enjoy your bubble with your DH.

Any complaints and I'd be strongly pushing back, "as you've mentioned when we've called you, you know how difficult it has been to hold things down here single handed so we need some time to recover and get things back to normal". If they're stjll pushy I'd suggest it would have been nice for them to be so enthusiastic to visit their DGC in the 6months they were coping without their DDad and hold firm on dates that work for you.

I would also be shut down smug comments from MIL ahead of time. Before your DH gets back I would message saying. "As I'm sure you can imagine it's difficult for DC to have their dad away for such a long time. I'm asking that you don't make comments around you having first hugs or cousins giving dad a kiss from DC. Whilst I imagine they are not meant that way, they serve no purpose other than to upset DC. Sure you understand. Thanks"

Both myself and DH are ex military and have done multiple operational deployments between us. There is always a way for service personnel to contact families, it's part of the deployment welfare package. Either through phone cards or daily access to the Internet. At the very least, email is available.

Not if you're a submariner @Godzillaisjusthangry

They could well fell that they are in the way, visiting when DH is away, and that is why they are coming when he is home.

If you would prefer them to come when he is away, have you told them that?

I would say no and offer dates that would work.

Can't believe how cruel she has been with her comments!!

I got as far as this post and after reading it thought her accommodation issues are not your concern. Seeing your husband is your concern, your kids seeing their dad is your concern, making those connections again are your concern.

As she will have seen her son on his way home to you, that's her visit for at least a month. After that, she could stay in your locality and visit but only if it suits both you and your DH (at least that's my take on the situation).

Ah good point! is he a submariner @Thedryjanuarydiaries ?

Sorry, always think with a green head on.

I've heard so much bullshit over the years that's been told to spouses its unreal!

I would tell her it's too early to book anything, as you don't know his dates and they may change at any point.

And then I'd stew on it a bit more. I think you can put her off until you've had a chance to reconnect esp as he is seeing her first!!! All those comments about that are really really annoying. She's not a sensitive / empathetic sort is she?!

So I'd say, too early to make plans, let's talk closer to the time. And then keep putting her off. I'd feel pretty pissed off towards her tbh. If kids are all teenagers then they can keep their relationship with her going. She can text them / whatever. I'd be taking a step back.

@Godzillaisjusthangry this made me laugh so much, I’m presuming you are/were in the army and are wrongly generalising your service with all.

DH is NOT army and is indeed uncontactable, there is no internet/phone line where he is due to complete secrecy and security.

Any births, deaths, accidents are sent coded /encrypted means and are delivered to the CO in charge at the end of trip…no one wants to get a pipe at the end of a trip!

As a further laugh I certainly can’t be contacting FPS asking them to break DH’s service of UK continuity protection to ask if his folks can come to visit!

Just so you’re clear, what you have spouted is complete bullshit!!

I'm not millitary but YANBU to want to have some time as a family unit before MIL visits. Decide how long you want plus give yourself some wiggle room in case he comes back later than you expected, and offer her dates 2+ weeks beyond that ;)