DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

Wtf? You paint the OP as a lesser person who denies her MIL a few hours of time with her family and I am the one trolling here?

It strikes me how sure you are you are a great MIL. In my experience the best people listen first and understand the situation at hand before preaching.

To be on topic, taking into account the details I extracted for you from OP's posts, do you want to adjust your advice?

It's really not trolling to point out that you have clearly missed several of the salient points relating to OP's situation

• The IL's live 9 hours away from OP - they cannot just pop over for a couple of hours
• ILs want to come for a one week stay - not a short visit
• The DH will see his parents BEFORE the OP gets to see her husband and the kids get to see their dad as the DH will call at his parents' house on his way home.
• The DH does not want his parents to visit for a week long stay so soon after he gets home from deployment. After 6 months on a submarine, mostly incommunicado, it will take a few weeks of readjustment into family life.
• OP had also had a really stressful time lone parenting with the kids one of whom is being assessed for autism. The ILs have not come to see their grandchildren since the DH left 6 months ago. She also needs time to decompress and time to talk and update her husband and for them to deal with overexcited kids without ILs sitting on her sofa all day expecting meals.
• The ILs have been very insensitive to the kids after previous returns from deployments - rubbing it in their faces that they and other nieces/nephews who live closer to port, got the first hugs and kisses from DH - because, as always, he calls by his parents' house on his way home from deployment. So surely giving his own kids some time with their dad without people competing for attention and saying insensitive things - should be prioritized.

If he’s seeing them before he come home to you then no, she can’t come. If you husband wants to see them more then a week end only.

How long will he be staying with them before coming to you?

He won’t be staying with them, he literally stopping by to pick something up on the way home to us…

I imagine a coffee/lunch/polite catch up.

This is one of those nightmare situations where he has to decide whether to please you or them. The timing is a bit critical too but to void making waves, I would put the ball in his court and let him decide.

RTFT!!!

This whole thread is hilarious.

Some of you have utterly shit reading comprehension skills.

Sorry - new here - what is RTFT?

It means 'read the fucking thread.'

😆 😆 😆

@Nantescalling

This is one of those nightmare situations where he has to decide whether to please you or them.

No it's not. He wants to go home to his family, and spend time alone with them, as does every Forces man/woman with a partner/family who have been away on a long deployment if they are in a (normal) relationship.

On a long thread it's helpful to click on "see all" at the bottom of the opening post so you can read all of the OP's updates - if you don't want to read everybody else's posts (although a quick skim is also helpful).

Helpful to you.

I am genuinely surprised by the many many posts on this thread where posters assume that the wife is insisting (and at times overruling) her husband who wants to spend an extended time with his parents either before he sees her or when he first gets back after a long deployment. Really? Can these posters not imagine how they would feel if they were away from a partner and/or children for 6 months?!

And as for some of the snippy responses from parents of sons posters - it's probably a good thing you haven't got a child in one of the Services.

I agree.

It's awful how so many people immediately jump to a 'controlling woman!' explanation.

It's just misogyny.

Let in-laws wait for a day

don’t push them out completely
What I’ve said lots on here a lot is life can turn on a penny .. hence Harry running to King Charles for example
we just don’t know what’s around the corner 🤷🏻‍♀️

If they try to insist on coming, tell them to book somewhere big enough for kids to stay as they're dying to have sleep overs. At least they can be childcare so the shag-athon can be easier/louder/longer 😂

@cavalier

Let in-laws wait for a day

One day is NOT long enough. This has been explained on this thread several times by current and ex Forces wives including the OP. DH does not want them there so soon (naturally).

OP has updated that PILs are coming a week later than they initially asked when they made an error over the dates. They are not being pushed out in any shape or form. (That would have still been too soon for us!)

I would say that 99.99% of people who work in the Forces and their spouses are well aware that life can turn on a penny - which is one reason (of many) why family time is precious and important to them.

What a brutal thread this has been to read!

Is there any other forum on the internet that has such an abysmally low literacy rate?

Honestly? I think MN tends to be better educated than the population as a whole. I think this is more a case of people skimming the OP and not reading any other posts. Or choosing to be contrary because that’s what they do.