DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

Oh sorry I misinterpreted the op to mean he was only back for a month. Ignore what I have said then.

I would find it very difficult to maintain any kind of relationship with a MIL who made a point of saying that she got first hugs and that your DCs cousin saw their dad before they did. That is unbelievably awful.

So I’d tell him he had to say no, at least not for the first month.

I would also have replied ‘I beg your pardon?’ to her comment about first hug. She should be in no doubt as to how awful that was.

is it not up to your husband what he wants? I'd be fuming if my husband told me what I was doing, I'm quite capable of making my own decisions.

How's this

Dear MIL
I know you are longing to see DH, we all are. He has missed so much in my and the children's lives in the past X months. I hope you won't take offence to this but I would prefer if we had some time with DH by ourselves for at least a month to allow him to settle back into home life and spend some time with his family. As it is, he is stopping off to see you and Z on his way back.
You and FIL would be very welcome from X onwards and the kids will have some time off school around Y. We do need to keep X dates free for our own summer holiday though.
Lastly, you really upset the children by pointing out that their cousins had seen DH before they did when he came home from X in 20xx. I would really appreciate it if you could be more sensitive to this, this time around as they have really had a difficult time while he has been away and he has missed so many big events in their lives this year.
Please let me know if this works for you and I'll ring fence some dates now so that we can all spend time with you when you are here especially as it's such a long journey for you.
Much love
your dutiful DIL

He's back for a month? If course he'll want to see his parents again. It's just when.

Respond with you'll let them know when you have more details. Unless there's a huge backstory of them being nightmares, there's not a lot else you can do really.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want a month with your husband after he has been away so long. Maybe just say oh that week doesn't work for us and suggest a time that does work for you. I don't see how she can make a fuss about a couple of weeks later. If she does I'd bring up that he is coming to see her before he comes home.

I’m trying to vauge about some details and dates but I guess she might be restricted to accommodation availability and also when would be the best time to see the DC.

You need to spell out what timing works for you.

Can't do early March but April would be great.

If they haven’t bothered with you or the children while he was away I would be politely telling them to piss off

I was ready to say let them come still, but her winding her grandchildren up like that has turned it round. Why would she say that?!
How long is he home for? I'd have them come for a short visit in the middle of his leave.

I had a fair amount of sympathy with her until you revealed how she behaved last time he called in to see her before he came home. What an absolute cowbag!

How long does she usually stay when she visits you both? I think that a month is a long time to keep her away, maybe a fortnight would be fairer? But only if it's for 3-4 days. A week would be difficult.

I think you're absolutely right to defer her from visiting immediately he arrives home. His DC (and wife!) need to be prioritised.

She is a bit mean spirited sometimes, I’m sure lots of people would say she doesn’t mean it or just doesn’t think but I’m not one of those people.

DH has spent large chunks of this trip somewhere quite cool and has done lots of fun stuff in good weather partnered with a lot of eating drinking out so I’ve had to work hard at not letting resentment build up…

but it doesn’t help when the DC are speaking to MIL and she saying things like “do you think Daddy planned this trip so he missed out on all the bad weather and hard work at home” “he might not want to come back”

You have the first month with your husband, they visit later…

Presumably (warped as her behaviour is) she wants to see your husband and his family at home and spend some time together .

It’s only a week and to be fair on them they don’t stay with us and won’t be with us every minute of the day but it’s still a fair bit of hosting, making small conversation, planning/cooking meals, going along what plans they might want to do in a time period where I just want to be in a little bubble with DH and the DC.

She’s going to see him first, she gives no shits about you or the grandchildren when his deployed and then likes to brag and rub in the children’s faces she saw him first.

nah she can gtfo and wait.

It must be bloody hard to reintegrate back into the family home as a working cog again after being away for six months it makes sense to get that working well again before family descend for long visits.

There's no reason that I can see for you to say yes. The only person this would please is MIL.
She might even have picked that specific week to piss you off and muscle in on your reunion.

It doesn't suit. Just say no

Be honest.
Mil, dh and I will want at least 4 weeks of having sex every day whilst the dc are at school.
You can visit when we’re sated!

My DH is also Forces, and I could have almost written your OP word for word (but substitute teens for baby & toddler)

I too made a huge effort to try and see the in laws who came once to see us, on the way to a family party they hadn't invited me and the kids to!

I think in many ways that settling back into family life gets harder as the kids get older, maybe as they're just more aware of the passing of time?

Anyway...YANBU! (And well done for getting through the deployment!)

Isn't it up to him when he sees his parents? For any of us isn't it up to us when we see our parents?

” “he might not want to come back”

Bloody hell. What a thing to say!

Wow. Would you really?

Is it not up to him.

But the visit is to the whole family not just to the dh. So its not just about him. Or, if the in laws are only intending to see him and not socialize with the op and children, then OP can refuse to host as her core family are not included.

If he's seeing them before he comes home I would definitely say no.

Just tell them what you've said here, you need time as a family.