DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

For the posters like @WandaWonder that have said it’s up to DH or ask DH…

Unfortunately that’s just not our and many other service families life work, to start with DH is operational at the moment and for us that means he is uncontactable and will be for quite some time, this decision is on me.

Secondly DH, and this is more generalised than just this occasion, is completely out of the loop of family life, he has no idea about school appointments/holidays, my work schedules or anything big that might have on, this does (and he is agreement) give me the job of deciding what we say yes or no too.

Thirdly and probably the most the crucial point, DH’s return dates can and have often changed. It’s not a “he’ll be on the morning flight on the 28th of August” There are lot of moving parts and there are likely to be lots of little tweaks right up till the day before and we are never sure of when exact will be home until he is! .

Oh listen to her crowing about the fact that she's inserted herself in between you and your husband, she's doing everything she can to make sure that she is the first and most important woman in his life.
(If I was in your shoes I'd mess with her and soon put a stop to that)

This is really good OP. YANBU at all.

I would go back with something shorter and remind her that she will actually be seeing him first. I'd also lean into the whole kiss/hug thing and make a joke of it. The problem with people like the MIL is that if you pull them up, they go all faux naive and hurt. Make it clear that her nonsense doesn't have any power over you (even if it does).

Hi MIL,

Unfortunately those dates won't work for us. Once DH is home and has had time to settle in, we will discuss when would be a good time for a visit.

Enjoy seeing him in mid August! You'll have to give him a big kiss for me.

DIL

Then when he is home, tell him he and the DC can visit his parents at their place.

I'd just say you can't commit to anything until he's actually home, then he needs time to settle back into the family dynamic (and you and DC adjust to having him home again too) then they can come to visit. By my reckoning from a DH who spent months at a time working away when our DC were young, that's going to be a minimum of 3 weeks from when he gets home for the family dynamic to settle down to normal again. As they get to see him before you all do, I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell them to book to come and visit at least a month after he returns.

Say no. He's going to see them. Tbh it would bother me that they haven't given a shit about the GC all the while he was away so I wouldn't even feel one bit bad about saying no. 10 days is a huge amount out of a month and you need time as a family.
If they want to spend time with GC then nothing is stopping them so they can come any other time.

This keep it short, polite and to the point. No need to tip toe around them with reasons to justify yourself.

Maybe think it would be nice to spend time ALL together? That big a deal?

Can you use the fact that he needs to visit them on the way home? Explain that there's the possibility of the date slipping, so it's probably best if they hang on at home to see him when he first gets back, and then give you a few weeks to readjust as a household before they come to visit. Perhaps be proactive and suggest a window for a visit, either well before he gets back or well after.

Then when he is home, tell him he and the DC can visit his parents at their place.
Except the inlaws are 9 hours away. Not sure if that's by car or flights but the latter would be very expensive to do. If the OP lives in Cornwall and the inlaws in the Highlands then this suggest works really well.

"Ah, thanks for checking but that won't work for us unfortunately. Maybe we'll hang on till DH is home and make concrete plans then?"

And I wouldn't feel one but bad about it. You're in the thick of it, put your peace first.

This is so horrible and possessive of them.

To not see your DC for the 6months he’s been gone and only come back when he’s back is terrible. They should want to see the kids more!

id tell them to get to fuck. Also your DH tells them you get a month as a family to let the children readjust. He tells them not to upset the kids with the crap about first hug.

You think children who haven’t seen their dad for 6months will cope better with the adjustment period with their grandparents who didn’t bother with them for 6months?

Why should they have time as a family first?

If your DH will be seeing his parents before heading home to you & your children, then definitely no to his parents visiting!

Assuming he's not going away again, that's completely fair of you. Just say that you're sorry, it doesn't work for you as you have a lot going on, later in the year would be better.

If you read any of the OPs posts it's blatantly clear they aren't asking because they think it will be nice to spend time together as a whole family.

They obviously just want to insert themselves into the OP and her children's time reconnecting with their father. If it had anything at all to do with spending time as a family maybe they would have seen their grandkids or DIL at some point in the last 6 months.

As he’s already visiting them before he comes home i think it would be fair enough to say no.

If he's already seeing them on his way home, then I don't think you are BU for saying no they can't come and stay. Your relationship comes first.

I would put them off for a few weeks and just explain that he will need a bit of time to get settled back in at home and getting used to each other again. As long as you make clear you're all looking forward to them visiting after that, they can't really complain.

I think if you're going to say 'No' to a visit in that first month (and I totally get why you want to, since it seems your MIL enjoys needling you and making unnecessarily goady comments), I think you'll have to suggest a better time for them to come instead. That's not unreasonable IMO. If you have a busy life with DC and pet(s) and your DH has been away for six months it will take you all a bit of time to readjust. Hopefully, she'll be understanding about that, but just be firm with whatever you decide and hold your ground.

"We won't be available for visitors in May or June, but we'd love to see you for a week in July if you can make it?"

It sounds like you are worried that something like that would be a problem - are you worried about PILs reaction or DHs. Because if just PILs, tough for them, they don't get to dictate what goes on in your home. If DH, does he realise that with the exception of all the earning, you have been doing 100% of everything for 6 months. By going on deployment he's delegated every single family decision to you, so his only response should be "thank you, I really appreciate everything you have done."

I assumed it was 9 hours by car because 9 hours by plane is a long way and I didn't think the OP would have expected a visit from her ILs while her DH was away if they lived so far. Plus they would probably come for more than a week if they had to fly nine hours. Of course I could be wrong!

YANBU. Just tell them that you will confirm what's suitable once DH is home.

What's a "sexuality change" by the way??

I agree with those saying just say no and that something can be arranged for the future when DH is home with his agreement also. I expect they want to see their son who has been away for 6 months, but ultimately he isn't here to make the decision on what he wants and to discuss with you about what you want, so tough.

Whatever you tell mil she will get to dh first and likely get her own way whatever you arrange now anyway.