DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

They are his parents, of course he should see them when he’s home!

I think it would be totally fair to tell them there's not enough information to go on yet so you'll decide closer to the time.

MIL sounds like such a petty bitch.

Hi mil, exciting isn’t it? As he will pop by yours on the way back here, let’s get him back home here first and then make plans! It’ll be lovely to see you both again, but no point in you making travel plans now as we know his dates might change.

When I was a child my dad worked away any where from 6 weeks to 3-6 months. We communicated mostly by fax as there often wasn't good phone lines plus time difference.

It took time every time he came home to readjust. Kids change a lot in 6 months every time he came home he had to learn who his new children were and what we needed from a parent changed too. We never knew how long we would have him it could be a few days or a few weeks. He was contracted to be away from 10 months a year. Everyone would say how hard we kids had it but we all said it's him that has it harder as we got to support one another. Time for your DH to find his slot back in your family is the most important in those initial days. Let them come week 3 onwards but the first weeks should be prioritising the family unit especially if it falls in term time and the reality of 2 weeks in terms time is 4 quality days between dad and kids and potentially you and him depending on your work situation.

All of our grandparents were local and my paternal grandmother did help a little and my mum took us to see her once a week but everything with her was how she had bent over backwards to do the bare minimum and charging for the pleasure. It infuriated everyone involved and even at 8 I knew what the relationship dynamic was like without being told. I have always been a people watcher and knew more than I should! It impacted our relationships longer term and I don't think she realised this was the life she had sewed.

YANBU to feel like you do but I don't understand how you can stop them coming? You said they aren't staying with you so surely they can just come to your area and visit him? You're hardly holding him prisoner? I assume he'll be going to catch up with friends and stuff too? Sorry if I sound thick but I don't think you have any authority to stop them coming. Obviously if they were staying with you it would be different. I would actually be pretty angry if my dh told my parents not to come and see me and many on here would consider it controlling. I don't for a minute think that about you just unsure how you get to stop them coming?

Puberty?

also, to put it bluntly, (and i come from a military family, and was in the military)

After 6 months away the first 2 days are All About The Sex. I remember when i was about 9 and all our dads came back from 6 months somewhere, and the mums whose husbands hadn't been away, divided us all up and had us over for tea after school for the first full day home. And i remember once when it wasn't my dad away that we were allowed a LOT of playdates and sleepovers.

And when i was away? for sure we didn't see anyone for a few days after i got back.

Show this post to your MIL, @Thedryjanuarydiaries 😁

What a bitch your MIL sounds! And I thought mine was bad...no she still is actually 🤣

It was only when I was an adult that I realised the true reason we both got a new Disney film to watch when my dad returned and could watch them as many times as we wanted on that first week!

I think the biggest issue is how spiteful she is to your children and I would be sorting that rather than being full of angst about whether to say yes or no to them visiting. Which would be a wait and see in my world.

I'm confused as to why she is messaging you direct rather than her son. That is a bit of a sneaky tactic in itself, effectively putting you on the spot. My MIL would never do that. She was would speak with her son and then we would discuss as a couple what the plans were going to be. Does your husband want them to come and visit?

I am a military wife and I would say no. Your children need time with just their dad to readjust to him being home. It is a massive transition that takes time, not the chaos of grandparents too. I don’t people who haven’t experienced this can really understand.

I'd leave it until he's home, you've had some time together & see if it suits then.

@Dulra stop being dramatic, MIL is a pain the bum but her request was perfectly polite.

(Dear Dryjanuary

We were thinking of coming down on these dates, would that suit?)

As will my response be whether it’s no those dates don’t suit or yes that’s great it will be lovely to see you.

No one is banning, controlling, demanding or holding anyone prisoner.

oh yes, i remember my dad coming back from NI (with a flippin' moustache as they'd had the obligatory "grow a moustache competition" while out there) with a transistor radio with earplug, a book and a massive lego set for me and my bro - with instructions to build the lego, walk twice round the housing estate (with our mates) listening to the radios, and that we were allowed a bar of chocolate and the TV as long as we liked when we got back in.

We always felt sorry for the dads because they were always so tired when they got back that they had to spend a lot of time in a darkened room with our mums soothing their fevered brows. Or something.

I remember when i realised and it was "ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"

@Thedryjanuarydiaries Does your husband want them to come or not, that is the crucial part.

i'd 100% be straight away on this with a clear No those dates wont work at all, when we have DH home for sure we will set up a date maybe around..then suggest 2-3 weeks after she suggested.

She also mentioned a vet visit, so I assumed the dog is trans

I was going to say that’s a bit mean, his parents have missed him too but as he’ll see them on his way home I think that’s fine. You could always have a couple of weeks and then invite them to visit ( staying wherever they usually stay) and all go out for a meal together or put on a meal.

I think you have more than earned the right to your post deployment family bubble tbh. The more you post the more I think this.

Since the decision is on you, and you know your DH will support you either way- say to them no those dates don’t suit, why don’t you visit sometime between x and y (dates at least 1 month after latest arrival of DH).

put yourself first- it sounds like if you don’t it will be a source of resentment and that won’t do you or your marriage any good (now if only I could listen to my own advice on this front …)

@Aquariumcorals like I’ve already said…

“For the posters like @WandaWonder that have said it’s up to DH or ask DH…

Unfortunately that’s just not our and many other service families life work, to start with DH is operational at the moment and for us that means he is uncontactable and will be for quite some time, this decision is on me.

Secondly DH, and this is more generalised than just this occasion, is completely out of the loop of family life, he has no idea about school appointments/holidays, my work schedules or anything big that might have on, this does (and he is agreement) give me the job of deciding what we say yes or no too.

Thirdly and probably the most the crucial point, DH’s return dates can and have often changed. It’s not a “he’ll be on the morning flight on the 28th of August” There are lot of moving parts and there are likely to be lots of little tweaks right up till the day before and we are never sure of when exact will be home until he is!”

I knew you weren't doing any of things fgs which is why I was unsure how you could stop them coming? They were checking when suits but if you don't direct them to a good time they may just come anyway when it doesn't suit. Your op asked whether you were mean to say no, I understand why you'd want to but didn't understand how you would prevent them coming. That's what I was asking

I'm assuming your DH is back for a long-ish period of time, not just a couple of months.
If that's the case - and especially as he'll be seeing his parents, albeit briefly, before coming home then I don't think it too unreasonable for them to wait a little while before visiting.
Maybe suggest they visit during the next school holidays (the one after your DH is due back, that is) so they can spend plenty of time with the kids and give you a bit of a break. You can either use that time to spend time with your DH or just to take some time to yourself.
In your shoes I'd say to the inlaws that, as dates are so up in the air at the moment, you'd like to wait til DH is home then you'll organise something with them asap. I'd say you've had so much going on over the past few months that all you can really plan for is DH getting back and not beyond that; you haven't got the mental bandwidth for it.
Give them a bit of 'carrot' too: say it'd be especially nice if they came during the next school holiday (Easter, half term etc ) so they can spend more time with the grandchildren. And with the extra notice your DH will also hopefully be able to make arrangements to ensure he doesn't have to work the entire time.
I can understand why you feel overwhelmed by this. It sounds like you've had so much on your plate recently that even someone whose partner wasn't deployed would struggle to wade through things. Hope your DH is home soon!

little post deployment bubble YABU for this comment alone.

I can't see why they can't visit. They won't be staying long will they?

Would you husband consider changing jobs so that he doesn't miss out on any more family life?

I don’t think MILs can win, if she had t asked the OP some posters would think that was wrong too,

OP, I’d let your husband decide what he wants to do. Maybe they could babysit and you and your husband could have a nice night out or away together. Everyone is always so negative on Mumsnet.