To be at the end of my tether with school?

[Pillowchase]

DS is in reception, he turned 5 last week.

Thankfully he settled into school the first term and was really enjoying it, I was aware this could change anytime but I find the circumstances upsetting and frustrating and not sure what to do.

Since the start of this term school have phoned 5 times because he's been pushed over, had things thrown at him causing bruising and he was bitten; 1 of which required a medical check up. Its the same child, at the end of the day they're 4, they probably have something else going on (which isn't my business) and I appreciate the teacher has a hard job managing an entire class.

Its reached the point though I'm now furious and really upset about it. Everytime I speak to school I very much angle it as well what are you going to implement to keep my child safe- they always promise this and that but I've had enough. He's been told to always stay away from this child, the teacher says he does do this but what he doesn't always do is immediately move away when the child approaches. So everytime he's playing at a station or whatever he's supposed to drop everything immediately even if he's enjoying himself and with friends if this child decides they want to be go there; ridiculous in hindsight but there we go. Yesterday I had another call saying DS was playing at the water table and because he didn't move away straight away when this child approached it was unfortunate but he was pushed over and basically ended up with his face in the water and his stomach catching the side of the tub. He was told off for not moving away which I was furious about.

Anyway, DS has been up most of the night crying and saying he doesn't want to go back to school. I can't blame him, but what do I do? I've enquired at other local schools and no spaces to transfer, homeschooling isn't an option and for his sake I don't want to keep him off regularly in case he's physically assaulted at school.

I've been understanding until now, probably too much so and haven't advocated for DS as much as I should as I've tried to see the whole picture and feel for the child who evidently isn't getting the support they need; but I've had enough. I've spoken to the teachers and said if the issue is he's being mean/antagonising the child or triggering them somehow let me know and I'll reinforce at home not to do this etc, but they say no he's always just playing with others or minding his own business.

Is it definitely the same perpetrator every time? If so YANBU, I would go nuclear and turn up to school at collection time and speak to his parents, the class teacher and headteacher and ask why it’s okay for my child to be bitten and assaulted on a regular basis.

You need to escalate this to the head of year and head teacher. If they do not put steps in to protect your boy then go to the governors and then to Ofsted. I found the only way out primary school took it seriously was when I went in all guns blazing. Sometimes you have to play it very hard.

Yes it is the same child, the school won't say who, DS has though. I have a meeting with the head and the class teacher tomorrow to discuss, i honestly don't think DS will be able to go into today he's worked himself up so much :(

That’s inclusion in a mainstream school nowadays. Inclusion and the exclusion of many, unfortunately it’s no-one’s fault and it’s down to funding. You will be told on here though- that your son should just accept that as should you - because rights. You’ve been warned.

Sounds like the child needs a 1:1ratio, but they need evidence of that and it takes time so meanwhile other children get hurt.

You are not unreasonable to be angry. Your poor son.

Why is HE being told to stay away from this kid? Why isn’t the perpetrator being told to stay away from your son??

I agree. Make it clear that they're failing to safeguard your child.

I would ask to see the phase leader/headteacher now to discuss.

I would ask to see what is written into the risk assessment around the biting child.

I would ask for their behaviour management policy and check they're following it.

I would be recording every time my child is hurt, what my child was doing before being hurt and how the school responded after he was hurt.

Like you, I understand the other child has their own things going on but I would make it abundantly and firmly clear to whoever you speak to in authority that your child understandably no longer feels safe coming to school and that school need to turn that around with your support, else he's likely to become a school refuser. He has every right to feel safe in his classroom.

Keep us updated.

And before the "call Ofsted" brigade arrive...They wont do anything about this unless there is something much more significant going on at the school. They get calls like this very regularly.

Ah your poor son 😢
This has made me so angry.
Like a PP said, I would go absolutely nuclear and demand to know what will be done to protect your son.
How dare they say that your son didn't move away quick enough?! Victim blaming a tiny little person.
Find your anger OP, you've got nowhere with them by showing compassion 🤬

you've got nowhere with them by showing compassion

This is sadly it, I feel guilty now for not being firmer from the start and attempting to be understanding- it gets you nowhere.

Yesterday I had another call saying DS was playing at the water table and because he didn't move away straight away when this child approached it was unfortunate but he was pushed over and basically ended up with his face in the water and his stomach catching the side of the tub. He was told off for not moving away which I was furious about.

So your child has been hurt and their response is to tell him off? No, not acceptable. YANBU OP. There are of course children with differing needs in every class and its a part of life for a child to learn how to navigate this but the attitude of the teaching staff in that situation was unacceptable. Your child has every right to play at the water table. I think you need to ask for a formal meeting.

I'm glad to read you have a meeting today.
Your son's safety is the priority here, keep asking what's in place to guarantee that?
Ask they why should your son be the one to move away from this child before anything happens. That's teaching him to run away from any problem, not giving him the support to manage it.
Ask of the other child's parents/carers are aware of the full extent of the situation as the should be.
If the child has asn the school has a responsibility to ensure his needs are being met.
If you don't feel the outcome of today's meeting is satisfactory ask for the escalation process.

Every child is entitled to be safe at school

I would be on the phone this morning and getting a meeting this morning. Child staying with you.
Things to highlight - why is another child, who regularly assaults yours being prioritised? Why should your child move away from something he’s enjoying because he will be attacked? You want an apology for him being told off, to him from the teacher to make sure he knows he’s not done anything wrong. You want a proper plan in place for how the school are going safeguard your child from physical attack at all times and you will not tolerate any more harm - physical or emotional. You also don’t want him missing out because he’s told to move away honestly that’s just not fair. I’m sorry but the child who’s doing the attacking needs to be managed, not yours. Good luck.

This has made me so angry, your poor DS. You need to make it clear to the school that it is not his responsibility to move away from this kid, it’s THEIR responsibility to keep this kid away from HIM. How dare they blame him!! Go absolutely nuclear OP, it’s easier for them to ignore this and victim blame than it is to deal with the bully. One day the bully will learn the real consequences of being a bully but until that day arrives, your son needs to be kept safe from him/her.

I know you have said that you have rang local schools and there are no places, but can you make an in year application anyway for them so that DS gets placed on the waitlist?

i would go into the meeting with a list of questions and make notes. Make it clear that DS is not responsible for the other child’s behaviour and therefore shouldn’t have to immediately move away. . Make it clear that they failed to safeguard your child and make they agree some actions. I would also follow with an email after the meeting outlining what was discussed and agreed.

Your poor boy. Absolutely don’t make him go to school today, I think 4 is far too young for school anyway. I much prefer the later entry age of Scandi kids 6-7. I never sent mine till 5 and that felt young. Hope you get on well with the school and they take your concerns seriously this time. Do they have a TA that could support the other child? Is there another reception class your son Could move into?

Contact the school and ask for a copy of their complaints procedure and a meeting with the headteacher. When you see the headteacher tell them you’re making a formal complaint and repeated this in an email outlining what was discussed in the meeting. If things don’t improve follow the complaints procedure.

I would also approach the parents

Avoid getting confrontational with the parents, I have no doubt that they’ve been told that their kid is actually the victim of bullying and they are just as ready for a fight as you are. The school won’t protect your son and if you investigate further you’ll find they have done things to make the situation worse. You don’t have an option other than to remove him. I’ve been in this situation before, and no it doesn’t make sense.

This is really awful
The worst bit in some ways being that school told your DS off for not moving away and suggested it’s his fault he was hurt . It sounds like they want him to be on high alert and fearful at all times and that’s a horrific expectation on a four year old who is meant to be settling into school life.

I would want to know why their risk assessment and management strategy for this other child is make all their peers terrified and on edge around them.

Id be escalating to the governers also unless the response was wholeheartedly reassuring and it doesn’t sound like you should hold your breath on that

I agree with everyone else. I've been a teacher for over twenty years. Things are dreadful in schools now. There are so many children who can't manage mainstream and there are no staff left.

You definitely need to escalate this. Your son should not have to be in this situation.

Your poor little boy. This is awful. I don’t know if I’d keep him off school today or not. I’d really want to but I also wouldn’t want him to think he can stay off when he wants to (although this is certainly a reason to want to!)

I would be letting school know that it’s getting hard to get him to school in the mornings and you are really worried about this. I’d also say you’ve looked at other schools but there are no other options. It needs escalating to the head and the governors. Maybe even ofsted if they fail to keep him safe.

m I really feel for you. I’d hate to send my little one to school and be worrying all day if he was hurt and upset. No one should have to do that. I hope you get it resolved for him.

Great that you're speaking to head and class teacher. Absolutely agree that what is shocking here is telling your child off for not moving away. The failure to protect him is one thing but at least just a sin of omission. But telling him he's at fault?! Jesus. No wonder he doesn't want to go in.

I presume you have a good sense of all these incidents. I would check the safeguarding policy on your school's website. And ask to speak to them and tell school you will approach the L A safeguarding lead with this history if this doesn't stop.

Then governors.

Your DS should not have been told off for not moving, clearly the other child needs 1-1 supervision.
Point out that the current method isn’t working and the school need to find a way to keep your DS safe without expecting him to run away each time.

I hope he feels happier soon.