To be at the end of my tether with school?

[Pillowchase]

DS is in reception, he turned 5 last week.

Thankfully he settled into school the first term and was really enjoying it, I was aware this could change anytime but I find the circumstances upsetting and frustrating and not sure what to do.

Since the start of this term school have phoned 5 times because he's been pushed over, had things thrown at him causing bruising and he was bitten; 1 of which required a medical check up. Its the same child, at the end of the day they're 4, they probably have something else going on (which isn't my business) and I appreciate the teacher has a hard job managing an entire class.

Its reached the point though I'm now furious and really upset about it. Everytime I speak to school I very much angle it as well what are you going to implement to keep my child safe- they always promise this and that but I've had enough. He's been told to always stay away from this child, the teacher says he does do this but what he doesn't always do is immediately move away when the child approaches. So everytime he's playing at a station or whatever he's supposed to drop everything immediately even if he's enjoying himself and with friends if this child decides they want to be go there; ridiculous in hindsight but there we go. Yesterday I had another call saying DS was playing at the water table and because he didn't move away straight away when this child approached it was unfortunate but he was pushed over and basically ended up with his face in the water and his stomach catching the side of the tub. He was told off for not moving away which I was furious about.

Anyway, DS has been up most of the night crying and saying he doesn't want to go back to school. I can't blame him, but what do I do? I've enquired at other local schools and no spaces to transfer, homeschooling isn't an option and for his sake I don't want to keep him off regularly in case he's physically assaulted at school.

I've been understanding until now, probably too much so and haven't advocated for DS as much as I should as I've tried to see the whole picture and feel for the child who evidently isn't getting the support they need; but I've had enough. I've spoken to the teachers and said if the issue is he's being mean/antagonising the child or triggering them somehow let me know and I'll reinforce at home not to do this etc, but they say no he's always just playing with others or minding his own business.

PS policies should be available on school website

Speaking to the child’s parents as suggested upthread:
Absolutely do not do this! It’s school’s responsibility and you will muddy the waters and help nobody

Is it worth getting appt with GP / practice nurse if possible, after this, so there's a medical trail?

Also, could you speak to your local councillor?

I'd be cautious about keeping him off because it might make it harder to go back for him

I'm so sorry this is happening to your family, there's some good advice on this thread

This is appalling. Do you know more about the child? It may be that he has SEN but he might also just be badly behaved and unpleasant. In the first case the school and local authority need to take responsibility for providing adequate supervision in a mainstream school or in a different setting. If not, the parents have a lot to do with this.

I'm sure others will disagree but if your son has told you who it is I would be messaging the parents (OK, the mum, who will be on the class WhatsApp group) to tell her what has happened in a calm tone. She may know that he behaves like this already, but children can also be very different at school and home and she might have no idea. (And be able to tell him more forcefully than the school to stop acting like this, or else.)

Go into school, punch the teacher in the face, tell her/him off for not moving out of the way. They should be fine with that by their reasoning.

🤣🤣🤣
And I suspect you're only half kidding!!

This is terrible advice
Do not do this

Even if he has SEN, the school is asking too much of your ds to 'move away' when he approaches! I get that inclusion and lack of spaces and funding in special schools is to blame, I really do. But the aibu vote is unanimous, the school is totally wrong on this and has a duty to protect all children. Transferring him to another school or homeschooling are not the answer, op. Escalate this, as far as you need to. And tell them your son won't be moving away from things he's enjoying doing any more, so what are they going to do to stop him getting hurt. This has made me so cross, and I am the parent of a SEND child (one who struggled with controlling gameplay/ friendships in reception).

Be prepared for big sob story about abused, underprivileged kid with psychological issues. Forearm yourself with responses to this. :- As the kid is a known problem, where is his 1 on 1? Why is he allowed out and about to assault the vulnerable school population willy nilly? Why are the school not asking you to fill in incident reports to be used for extra care for this child or exclusion if this can’t be provided? Why is your child offered no counselling and why are they under the impression that it is their responsibility to get away from this violent kid? Why are they left feeling that THEY are the kid with the problem when seeking help from an adult who is failing in their duty of care to protect them? This kid’s background is not the issue. Their BEHAVIOUR and how it is managed is what is affecting your child.

Do not approach child’s parents. Communication with school only.

The other child needs to go, simple as that. Chances are high that there's some level of SEN support that's not being met by the current school, or there's ongoing trauma in his home life that causes him to act up. But it's not your responsibility to be a social worker for another child, least of all using your son as an unwitting human shield. The parents need to arrange better care, get more funding, change schools or homeschool. You need to raise this matter at the meeting.

To be honest it only sounds like a matter of time before a severe injury occurs. If the school is already being cagey about details, you cannot expect any consequences if a very serious injury occurs to your son. Especially if there's a level of SEN involved, there will be no punishment for the other child. The best advocating you can do for your child is to either get the other to leave, insist on changing classes or consider changing schools.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond, I really do appreciate it and feel more confident talking to the school clearly and fairly. I know it's pathetic of me but I find it easier to talk about on an anon forum than in 'real life', lots of my friends and family are obviously protective over DS and I feel that their support and suggestions is often more geared towards either me or going in all guns blazing, so a more balanced view is helpful.

I've seen so many SEN children labelled with awful names because of situations like this.

Yes and that's sad, which is partly why I've been too relaxed about it up to now really. I certainly won't be approaching the parents myself (who are probably struggling themselves) or spreading about which child it is; the issue I have is very much with the school and I have empathy for a 4 year old who even if they aren't struggling with the school environment due to SEN probably have other things going on in their life to cause this behaviour. I genuinely hope they get the support they clearly need, and my angle is very much protecting my DS than demonising or wishing punishment on this child.

My daughter faced similar years ago when she was younger. Like you we tried to be understanding but it didn’t help. Stick to your guns.

That's a good plan, I did speak with someone at the council (schools admission team or something?) who said he could go on the wait list for another school so I guess not much to lose by doing that. It is disappointing as he's been very happy at the school (and I've been happy with it) up until now.

This..ask what consequences are being applied, don't be fobbed off with 'privacy' , if the school/ parents want privacy they would deal with the child, not put that responsibility on your child. The children in the class need to see obvious consequences, or they see a child being allowed to behave badly.

Personally I would keep ds off today, and go to the meeting saying his anxiety is so high he won’t be able to cope at school until this is resolved, this should put a rocket up them. Do let us know how the meeting goes. Send hugs

Is there a second class in the year that your son (or the other boy) could be moved to?

Oh your poor little boy! The school are completely wrong for blaming your son for not moving away. Why should he?!
I've worked in an infant school for over ten years and unfortunately, there are countless children in mainstream school who just can't cope with it. The child might have SEN, or might just be a rough, angry child. Either way, your son has a right to be safe at school and at the moment, he isn't.
Does the child hurt other children do you know?
I'm glad you've got a meeting with the class teacher and head teacher tomorrow. DO NOT allow them to fob you off!!!
Have a look at the school's behaviour policy (it should be on their website) and ask what measures are being taken and what consequences are in place for the child. I'd also have a look at their complaints policy, just in case you don't get anywhere tomorrow. As the head teacher is involved in the meeting, if you're not happy with the outcome then you need to raise it to the Board of Governors.
Good luck but find your anger and stay firm for your little boy.

I totally empathise with your approach until now. I know I can be a bit too understanding sometimes as I’m aware of our privilege and good luck good luck compared to those who struggle.

BUT by going in stronger and advocating more strongly for your ds by saying this is utterly unacceptable you will ultimately be helping your ds, and you will be helping to get the other child’s needs taken more seriously and in turn adding ammunition for the school to get more support with the other child’s needs.

This is coming from a parent who's child has been the one hurting other children (he does have sen) not that it excuses anything.
I'm sorry your child is going through this, honestly it really saddens me for both children.
You are your sons voice though, you need to make it clear that your child is to be protected and not used as a scapegoat!

The other parent/s will know what their child has done esp if bitten another child.
Unfortunately unless we as parents stand together and demand that there is more staffing and support for children with SEN/SEMH it will continue to effect all sides.

Just please be aware that all schools will have children in them that behave in this way. No matter how big or small or whatever type of catchment area they have. Move him if you think it’s for the best but he will still come across children, especially at this age, who struggle with social interactions and appropriate behaviour.
School will have told the other child to stay away from him BUT in a child led free play situation like early years it’s very difficult to police that if you don’t have the right amount of staff. The other child will simply not have the ability to remember what they’ve been told. They’re 5, possibly with some Sen, and only see what they want in the moment. It reminds me very much of a child we have in our reception class right not, she’s not got a bad bone in her body but she’s incredibly clumsy, has no sense of personal space or boundaries, is very literal and sensory seeking. Her just being her often causes the others to be knocked over or squished or bonked. She doesn’t mean it.
Go and kick up a fuss at school and hopefully they’ll respond better and be more consistent with dealing with it.

In the likely event that the aggressor has SEN and will likely not understand sanctions, there is a limit to what you can do. Suggesting the teacher 'just tells the other child what to do' is blissfully naive. I can understand why the more sentient children have been told to steer clear (this isn't victim blaming, it's an attempt at protecting them).

Inclusion without funding damages all children, unfortunately. And for those asking where his 1:1 is, it can take years to get an EHCP and funding for that. Schools simply do not have the money to pull additional support out of thin air.

I'm sorry your child is bearing the brunt of this. As a first step, can the two children be put in separate classes?

He's been told to always stay away from this child, the teacher says he does do this but what he doesn't always do is immediately move away when the child approaches.

He’s 4 fucking years old!! That’s a hell of an ask for a 4 year old….the staff need to be a LOT more proactive in keeping your child safe!

As they are reception age, there is no obligation for the other child to be there. The school should be protecting the rest of the pupils. One child does not trump the other 30.

Before you go to the meeting, look on the school's website and print off the school's policies on discipline, bullying and safeguarding. Highlight the points that should apply in this situation and work through them asking why the school hasn't been doing them. Don't ask about the other child, because they will hide behind confidentiality, but if they say the problem is that he has SEN and they're not funded for 1-1 etc ask if they have applied for an EHCP and/or emergency funding from the council. Insist that you need to come out of that meeting with a firm plan for keeping your child safe which does not put the onus on your child to watch out for this child all the time and keep out of his way.

Ideally take someone with you to take notes, or else record the meeting - it's perfectly legal and you don't have to ask permission. Produce your own minutes of the meeting and send them to the head and class teacher afterwards.