To be at the end of my tether with school?

[Pillowchase]

DS is in reception, he turned 5 last week.

Thankfully he settled into school the first term and was really enjoying it, I was aware this could change anytime but I find the circumstances upsetting and frustrating and not sure what to do.

Since the start of this term school have phoned 5 times because he's been pushed over, had things thrown at him causing bruising and he was bitten; 1 of which required a medical check up. Its the same child, at the end of the day they're 4, they probably have something else going on (which isn't my business) and I appreciate the teacher has a hard job managing an entire class.

Its reached the point though I'm now furious and really upset about it. Everytime I speak to school I very much angle it as well what are you going to implement to keep my child safe- they always promise this and that but I've had enough. He's been told to always stay away from this child, the teacher says he does do this but what he doesn't always do is immediately move away when the child approaches. So everytime he's playing at a station or whatever he's supposed to drop everything immediately even if he's enjoying himself and with friends if this child decides they want to be go there; ridiculous in hindsight but there we go. Yesterday I had another call saying DS was playing at the water table and because he didn't move away straight away when this child approached it was unfortunate but he was pushed over and basically ended up with his face in the water and his stomach catching the side of the tub. He was told off for not moving away which I was furious about.

Anyway, DS has been up most of the night crying and saying he doesn't want to go back to school. I can't blame him, but what do I do? I've enquired at other local schools and no spaces to transfer, homeschooling isn't an option and for his sake I don't want to keep him off regularly in case he's physically assaulted at school.

I've been understanding until now, probably too much so and haven't advocated for DS as much as I should as I've tried to see the whole picture and feel for the child who evidently isn't getting the support they need; but I've had enough. I've spoken to the teachers and said if the issue is he's being mean/antagonising the child or triggering them somehow let me know and I'll reinforce at home not to do this etc, but they say no he's always just playing with others or minding his own business.

I have not read the whole thread, so there might have been similar posts, but you need to contact the safeguarding lead teacher, quoting the Safeguarding Policy, which they are obliged to put on their website. Also contact the chair of governors.

The school has an obligation to keep your child safe. It is non-negotiable.

“The other child needs to go”.. Go where?

If you have a similar aged child they could feasibly be moved to your child’s school……..

Stand your ground OP. You DS should not be upset or scared to go to school and the child who is doing this needs more support or monitoring. Not your son.
Do not settle for anything other than a documented plan for how they intend to stop this from reoccurring. they not your DS!

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I would seriously interested to know if you actually work in this field.
We fully support the acquiring of an EHCP in any case when it is deemed necessary by parents or staff. It still takes months and months to jump though all the hoops and then go through the appeal when it is inevitably rejected the first time round. The last one I was involved in has just been resolved but it has taken 20 months (not weeks) from starting the process

Told off for not moving away? WTF. I usually try and see it from the school's side but not in this case. Your ds is being let down by the school

YANBU, your poor DS how horrible for him. School are essentially telling him it's his fault if he gets bullied because he didn't move away from the other child? Not acceptable at all!
If it was always different children I would say it's just normal reception class behaviour, but always the same child? No!
Seriously I don't think it would be an overreaction to look into moving schools, if they can't see the problem with this situation and are failing to address it then how are they going to handle anything more serious when DS is older?

How awful for your child. I don't know how I would cope with this happening to one of mine. You have to wonder who benefits from this sort of "inclusion".

I've been on both sides of this and it's horrendous. School communication can be shocking and procedures for dealing with these behaviours are spectacularly bad.

Ask school why a five year old should have to take action to prevent himself being assaulted.

In my case I did actually end up talking to the other parent. The school was handling her child spectacularly badly and it was all smoke and mirrors to her too what was happening in the classroom. It did help to communicate, but it wouldn't have been appropriate in the other situation we had where a different child was assaulting my child, so it's not something I'd really advise.

My child (along with others in the class) was told not to show they had been hurt when the other child hit them. They actually thought that was an appropriate way to manage a child with high functioning autism. I honestly do not know what bollocks theory or training course that might possibly have been based on. (Mother of the perpetrator didn't know this particular strategy was being used on her child and was aghast naturally)

In reception they should be teaching the value of being deeply involved in their learning. As opposed to your son who is being taught to constantly scan the room for danger. This will be damaging his learning.
Quote mask is hierarchy of needs. He doesn't feel safe and therefore can't learn.

Inclusion just does not work!! The biggest mistake ever made by any Gov was the closing down of special schools and placing SEN children in Mainstream.

This is the main reason teachers are leaving in their droves.

As a teacher it’s heart-breaking to see. We know the child doing the attacking is doing it because of needs that aren’t being met, but that doesn’t help the children that are being attacked and that are becoming scared of being in the classroom. Unfortunately, as the schools the MPs send their children to have much more funding and smaller class sizes and are selective, they don’t care that 1 child is in so much pain he is lashing out and that 29 other children are being terrorised.

...but what he doesn't always do is immediately move away when the child approaches. So everytime he's playing at a station or whatever he's supposed to drop everything immediately even if he's enjoying himself and with friends if this child decides they want to be go there...

Yesterday I had another call saying DS was playing at the water table and because he didn't move away straight away when this child approached it was unfortunate but he was pushed over and basically ended up with his face in the water and his stomach catching the side of the tub. He was told off for not moving away which I was furious about.

This is 100% victim blaming and you need to tell the school it must stop. Putting the onus on him to protect himself at that age is just so unfair, poor thing. By moving away and missing out HE is taking the punishment that the aggressor should get!

Put in a formal complaint and make it clear you'll raise it further if they don't deal with the issue more effectively going forward.

The school are not safeguarding your child. THEY are responsible for protecting the children in their care, not your little one!

I hope your meeting was helpful, OP. We had similar and the school tried to make out it was 50:50, my DC and the bully. Except that pretty much every parent in the class has been in to complain about the other child since September. It was a joke! I met with the school and told them that whilst I knew they couldn’t discuss the other child, I needed a cast iron guarantee that my child was going to be supervised well enough that the bully was not going to be allowed to hurt them any more. No child should be going to school expecting to be hit/kicked/hurt. The HT did agree with me on that one (as she should have done!). The bully has anger management issues and a bully for a mother. It’s no surprise he is like this. However, that is in no way the fault of my child either. I am watching and waiting and will take matters further, should the situation escalate again. I wasn’t shy in pointing out that the bully was over the age of criminal responsibility and I’d be happy to involve the police if necessary.

It must have been more than a simple shove for your son to end up with his head in the water play -that sounds more like an "attack" e.g. grabbing his head and pushing it down? I just can't see how you can push someone playing water and they end up with their head in it.

Your time for patience is done. Go to the meeting with a letter of complaint outlining all the incidents and request a formal response. Ensure the Governors are cc'd and get a copy and someone relevant at the local authority and/or OFSTED.

Your son is being attacked so regularly that he doesn't want to go to school and that is not OK. Moving your child is not the best solution if they otherwise like their school and have friends. What if there are equally problematic children at another school. You need to make it harder for the school to do nothing than it is for them to do something (such as 1:1 TA).

Good luck.

Sorry but if this kid’s ‘needs’ are putting the other children at risk he should not be around them. When he is an adult and he lamps someone in the street/at work/on a night out, nobody will care what his needs are - he will be arrested just like any other person who hits someone. Your son’s education experience should take priority here. So sorry OP.

Agree. So the school bullying is starting at age 4. I really feel for OPs son. Can’t see the school doing anything. There are bullies getting away with it all through life x

Document every single incident by emails to school.

Explain to school you will be logging every incident and how school have responded and will be reporting to Ofsted if they continue to fail to safeguard your child.

Forget the other child - focus on yours. They have a duty of care to safeguard your child.

When I was dealing with bullying the route was class teacher, Head of Year, Head of Key Stage, Head, Governors. Document ALL interactions with school over this (follow meetings up with emails confirming what will be done). Also take someone with you to meetings as an independent witness.

Get tough now. No matter how upset you might feel, be clear, have all details at your finger tips, have a good idea of what you want to happen and get a VERY clear plan of what they're going to do. Polite but absolutely determined. Good luck.

We had similar issue with our school and they only took it seriously when we demanded that an incident report be logged as per the School's policy. We also put everything in writing to the class teacher, head of the year and the head teacher. We were surprised how suddenly everything changed the next day. Good luck OP and demand that they log incident report every single time and put everything in writing to school office. If that still doesn't change anything, involve the school governers.

"If this child is violent, they need 1:1 so that other children including my own are safeguarded. When is that going to happen?"
"It's not."
"Then you are failing in your statutory duty to safeguard my child and I will have to escalate."

I've found that if you make a really straightforward assertion of your rights and their responsibilities using this kind of 'official' language, they know that you are unlikely to be fobbed off and will act sooner rather than waiting to see if the situation will resolve itself (meanwhile, your child becomes a school refuser etc). If they don't then you will have to escalate (not sure to whom, though!)

Your poor little boy. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and managing the situation fairly and empathetically so very well done. It can be hard to keep your perspective and stay calm when your child is suffering. Hope the meeting with the school goes well.

well firstly i wouldn't be letting my kid go back to a school that think that what they have done is acceptable.

My son for sure would not be going back.

Yeah I'm angry just reading this I would go nuclear too if the teachers can't see reason the parents of the darling sprog will be made to see it

Telling your child off for not moving is a red flag for me. It speaks of a lack of compassion, which in turn is an overwhelmed teacher, senior management and school.

Ask them how they record safeguarding concerns and say that you would like this persistent targeting of your child to be recorded as such. Whenever they communicate with you ask for it in an email. Keep your own diary.

You're basically trying to scare them into putting more supervision in for the other child. Schools are so criminally underfunded that they will put anything they possibly can on the back burner.

@Flamme I don't know of anywhere where is takes 20 weeks to get one. All around me it is usually 2 years, a year minimum.