To be at the end of my tether with school?

[Pillowchase]

DS is in reception, he turned 5 last week.

Thankfully he settled into school the first term and was really enjoying it, I was aware this could change anytime but I find the circumstances upsetting and frustrating and not sure what to do.

Since the start of this term school have phoned 5 times because he's been pushed over, had things thrown at him causing bruising and he was bitten; 1 of which required a medical check up. Its the same child, at the end of the day they're 4, they probably have something else going on (which isn't my business) and I appreciate the teacher has a hard job managing an entire class.

Its reached the point though I'm now furious and really upset about it. Everytime I speak to school I very much angle it as well what are you going to implement to keep my child safe- they always promise this and that but I've had enough. He's been told to always stay away from this child, the teacher says he does do this but what he doesn't always do is immediately move away when the child approaches. So everytime he's playing at a station or whatever he's supposed to drop everything immediately even if he's enjoying himself and with friends if this child decides they want to be go there; ridiculous in hindsight but there we go. Yesterday I had another call saying DS was playing at the water table and because he didn't move away straight away when this child approached it was unfortunate but he was pushed over and basically ended up with his face in the water and his stomach catching the side of the tub. He was told off for not moving away which I was furious about.

Anyway, DS has been up most of the night crying and saying he doesn't want to go back to school. I can't blame him, but what do I do? I've enquired at other local schools and no spaces to transfer, homeschooling isn't an option and for his sake I don't want to keep him off regularly in case he's physically assaulted at school.

I've been understanding until now, probably too much so and haven't advocated for DS as much as I should as I've tried to see the whole picture and feel for the child who evidently isn't getting the support they need; but I've had enough. I've spoken to the teachers and said if the issue is he's being mean/antagonising the child or triggering them somehow let me know and I'll reinforce at home not to do this etc, but they say no he's always just playing with others or minding his own business.

Even with the closure of special schools I’m stunned, is this 9 out of 30ish? Can I ask what their level of understanding is? Why is this happening? That seems staggeringly high for aggression alone.

I read an article which said physical disabilities which used to make up the majority of SEN school populations (ie Downs Syndrome) have massively reduced due to prenatal testing, and instead ASD has skyrocketed to fill those spaces.

I find it all hugely worrying, in terms of their quality of life and the impact on society, but nobody seems interested in investigating this. Its taboo and we all have to stick to the line of ‘oh it was always like that, they were hidden away’. I think future generations will wonder why on earth we sat back and did nothing to investigate the cause of this until far too late.

The cause is mostly children being at home when they should have been socialised during the lockdown and missing those couple of years of proper schooling. My sons recent trip to the sen paediatricians for his ehcp told me this is exactly what they are seeing more of since covid, she blames it herself.

Aha, does this mean we are finally accepting that nurture and socialisation and therefore parenting too, do actually contribute to sen?
As recently it does seem that although there is no biological diagnosis or medical diagnostic test the general acceptance seemed to be sen is genetic and therefore you can't expect people to follow the social order.
A recognition from professionals in the field that socialisation both primary (parents) and secondary (school, everything else) socialisation do in fact effect behaviour! Good

I inferred it from their posts; I agree it was not stated explicitly but I think it was clear their child had SEND, if not ASD.

The definition of bullying in almost all schools is 'several times, on purpose'. Often, for children with SEND, it is not on purpose. That doesn't mean it's right, or the child should have a place in a mainstream classroom or that the parents of the victim shouldn't be livid about it, but it's not bullying.

I don't think it's OK to say children with autism don't do it on purpose. Often they do. Especially if it's the same child repeatedly, must be deliberate.
People with autism are not incapable and alien, I find it othering when people basically say they are not able to understand.
We need to try. And try harder. And actually meet all children's needs rather than allowing some to think violence is ok and others to know they don't matter and there are different rules for them.

Of course many people with autism have excellent understanding; others do not. I've taught children in KS2 who are developmentally on a similar level to a toddler. I was not being 'othering' - ASD covers a huge range of behaviours and abilities.

You're making an awful lot of assumptions here. Autism/the bullying isn't on purpose/they don't know what they're doing. It is bullying; there may be reasons why they're acting the way they are but it still boils down to bullying another child, regardless of the intent behind it.

I find the lack of understanding of autism on this thread absolutely sickening.

Also, nobody knows whether THIS specific kid has ASD or any

Whoops.. trying to type one-handed.
or any other SEND. It is not a catch-all for all behavioural problems. SOME kids are naughty.

It is possible for children who are autistic to be naughty. They do have personalities. They are people, not just a label.

Plus autism is a catch all umbrella term for everything from non verbal non continence with developmental delay to academically brilliant. It is a completely unhelpful label in terms of telling teachers what support an individual needs.

Really each child should be taught to their own needs with a relationship with the teacher, who gets them. The teachers professional judgement about suitable provision should have a lot more weight than the parents.

And all children should be safe. Ultimately I do think the needs of the majority must drive education. With provision then in place, yes inclusive but within reason.

Not a quick process, unfortunately. My friends daughter has one now but it was a long time in the making. By the time she finally got it, it immediately needed updating because the information it was bases on was so out of date!

I'm stopping here because I can't believe I've been dragged into an argument about whether a child who almost certainly has SEND is a bully. My assumptions are based on two decades in the classroom and being a SENCO. I've encountered a few 'naughty' children aged four; I've encountered far more children with unmet and at that stage undiagnosed SEND. I suspect many posters on this thread havent actually experienced working with children.

@Pillowchase you sound so thoughtful and considerate.I'm glad your little boy was happier yesterday .
Just going to repeat this
Ideally take someone with you to take notes, or else record the meeting - it's perfectly legal and you don't have to ask permission. Produce your own minutes of the meeting and send them to the head and class teacher afterwards.
as i think note taking by a third party and then feeding back to school is such excellent advice .

If you have told the whole story, this would be a straight if there are more incidents you will be sued for failure in keeping my son safe. Occasional incidents are understandable accidents, but repeated incidents are not.

It's always the case these days that schools never deal with the troubled child, they actually move the kids being bullied. Schools have a legal right to protect your child when you leave them in their custom. Ask the school to arrange a meeting with the other child parents and have a one on one. If it still continues, ask to have a meeting with the head of education, also ask the school for a copy of their anti bullying policy, every school must carry a copy. Sorry to hear about your child hope it's sorted soon.

Regardless of the needs and level of understanding of children with SEN, it is possible to learn.

I’d be asking school leaders about what rules, routines and habits are being TAUGHT, practised and praised. Children love getting simple things right if they know what to do because the adults have made it clear.

If the reply indicates there is none of this, and instead perhaps a more reactive-only ‘wait till they’re ready/offer choices/get more adults in/reduce expectations’, then I’d be taking this to the chair of governors.

I feel for you honestly. First have the meeting and put a formal complaint in about the person telling your child off for not moving. Kids need to learn to share. I'm guessing teacher is probably scared of other child's parents or the confrontation. Your child has the right to be safe. I had same problem with my son every week. Write everything down and send emails to the school saying your concerns then you have proof if needed later on.

This is a safeguarding issue you can Google the process of complaining it starts with the teacher then the headteacher then the board of governors I did this with my son as soon as I contact the board I had very quick responses from the head after being ignored for ages , good luck ! Oh and mention safegaurding as soon as you mention that they normally start flapping !

It's not just safeguarding for your son but also the sen child too ! If the child is like this everyday the school/parents needs to assess his needs and why he is like it and look at 1-1 funding

I’m very uncomfortable with the viewpoint that if a child has triggers, then every other child should tiptoe around them to avoid getting hurt. What kind of message does that send out?

Sorry haven't been on in a few days!

Have a meeting with DH as well on Wednesday. DS came home on Friday and said x was really kind to me today, he checked I was okay when I fell over in the playground. I did say to him be nice to let the TA know as I feel for this child its a big thing to do that. We had some chats around respecting the need to give space to x whilst also not being mean/nasty (not that DS would I don't think but don't want him to think giving space means no one should play with them and should be ostracised). Teacher agreed the advice to fully stay away and move when playing and they approached was unfair- have said to DS that they can go speak to them if they're in the middle of playing and they'll help manage it (not sure how but at least they now acknowledge it was wrong to say this).

I'm going to remain firm in that DS needs to be kept safe and not made to feel that he needs to drop what he's doing all of the time; but also with DS to try and explain in an age appropriate way that some children struggle more in certain situations and its good to respect that and support whilst not disadvanataging ourselves everytime.

I actually saw his mum in Asda of all places, I sort of knew her by sight but she came up and said are you ys mum- was a bit worried to be honest as you never know how it'll go. We just had a general chat to be honest, it was nice to break the ice as it were and whilst still not going to use it to talk about school stuff, I feel like it's a weight lifted.

I think you’re giving very mixed messages to your very little son, and he deserves for you to be more on his side than that. Sorry.

I think you're handling it perfectly.

In what way?