To be at the end of my tether with school?

[Pillowchase]

DS is in reception, he turned 5 last week.

Thankfully he settled into school the first term and was really enjoying it, I was aware this could change anytime but I find the circumstances upsetting and frustrating and not sure what to do.

Since the start of this term school have phoned 5 times because he's been pushed over, had things thrown at him causing bruising and he was bitten; 1 of which required a medical check up. Its the same child, at the end of the day they're 4, they probably have something else going on (which isn't my business) and I appreciate the teacher has a hard job managing an entire class.

Its reached the point though I'm now furious and really upset about it. Everytime I speak to school I very much angle it as well what are you going to implement to keep my child safe- they always promise this and that but I've had enough. He's been told to always stay away from this child, the teacher says he does do this but what he doesn't always do is immediately move away when the child approaches. So everytime he's playing at a station or whatever he's supposed to drop everything immediately even if he's enjoying himself and with friends if this child decides they want to be go there; ridiculous in hindsight but there we go. Yesterday I had another call saying DS was playing at the water table and because he didn't move away straight away when this child approached it was unfortunate but he was pushed over and basically ended up with his face in the water and his stomach catching the side of the tub. He was told off for not moving away which I was furious about.

Anyway, DS has been up most of the night crying and saying he doesn't want to go back to school. I can't blame him, but what do I do? I've enquired at other local schools and no spaces to transfer, homeschooling isn't an option and for his sake I don't want to keep him off regularly in case he's physically assaulted at school.

I've been understanding until now, probably too much so and haven't advocated for DS as much as I should as I've tried to see the whole picture and feel for the child who evidently isn't getting the support they need; but I've had enough. I've spoken to the teachers and said if the issue is he's being mean/antagonising the child or triggering them somehow let me know and I'll reinforce at home not to do this etc, but they say no he's always just playing with others or minding his own business.

Because a reception age child won’t understand about special needs, when the lines are crossed, why there are different standards of behaviour for different children and so on.

At 5, all he needs to be told is that somebody attacking him is never ok, and he must tell the teacher every time it happens. With you and the school sorting this out behind the scenes.

The rather confused message he will now take away is that it’s ok for children to attack him if he does something to provoke them (and he won’t even be clear on what that ‘something’ is). He likely won’t report further attacks as he will blame himself and worry he will be punished for causing them.

It’s not his, or your, job to ‘support’ this other child. It’s your job to protect your son, not rush to sound inclusive at the cost of his safety.

If somebody attacked you in the local shop just think how shaken up you would be. That’s what he is facing every day. With his own mum telling him to ‘respect’ and ‘support’.

Anyway I’ll finish there.

I've not said that to him at any point though, you're massively projecting. I've said don't simply walk away from an activity as that's not fair, but to speak to an adult in the room (which the school have agreed to manage) if they don't notice first and intervene. The school apologised for suggesting he should be the one to simply walk away following me speaking to them and advocating for my DS. It was made very clear to him that being attacked is never okay, and that it wasnt his fault.

Personally I think it's fine to tell a child that x needs space and to honour that (again, not when it directly affects what DS is doing but in general) whilst not ostracising and being nasty to them. An important part of learning at that age should be social stuff- to be considerate of others whilst not losing out yourself. He will be be with children with additional needs throughout school and out in the 'real world', I'd rather he understand that it's not his fault and never acceptable to hit but that some children find some environments more challenging and it doesn't make them mean or nasty as he said at the start. You can teach both.

I've literally never said he should just accept it and never report, I did however suggest it would be nice to also acknowledge their kind behaviour- not that it mitigates the rest. Is that the part you have an issue with?

I've said don't simply walk away from an activity as that's not fair, but to speak to an adult in the room (which the school have agreed to manage) if they don't notice first and intervene.

Even I don’t really understand what this means or what it looks like, so God knows how a 5 year old does.

As a former teacher, I wish all parents were as sensible as you. Your update shows that you are helping your child to learn to manage interacting with people in the real world in a way that respects everyone. You supported them by listening to your child, and going to talk to staff at school. You've given your child specific practical strategies for what to do in those situations at school (very important) so that their rights are not compromised and they are kept safe. You've taken steps to build relationships with the school staff, showing your concern and desire to find a positive way forward and you've even had a useful general chat with the other child's mum. You've arranged for the child's dad to be involved when he's back. All this means that everyone can move forward together and you're not setting up imagined and unhelpful battle lines with you and your child on one side and the school/other kid on the other. That's a great role model for your kid. Well done.

I think you have handled this with style and grace op. You have advocated for your dc without all guns blazing or making the other child out to be a monster.

Really, that’s a shame that you don’t understand what that means, but luckily the OP’s 5yr old is able to both understand the advice and act on it.

No one has mentioned if he was pushed in the water enough to hurt his stomach he could have drowned. It only takes a tablespoon of water. Stay very calm at the meeting, note all all incidents and agree a safeguarding scheme for him. I feel for the poor teacher.