To be at the end of my tether with school?

[Pillowchase]

DS is in reception, he turned 5 last week.

Thankfully he settled into school the first term and was really enjoying it, I was aware this could change anytime but I find the circumstances upsetting and frustrating and not sure what to do.

Since the start of this term school have phoned 5 times because he's been pushed over, had things thrown at him causing bruising and he was bitten; 1 of which required a medical check up. Its the same child, at the end of the day they're 4, they probably have something else going on (which isn't my business) and I appreciate the teacher has a hard job managing an entire class.

Its reached the point though I'm now furious and really upset about it. Everytime I speak to school I very much angle it as well what are you going to implement to keep my child safe- they always promise this and that but I've had enough. He's been told to always stay away from this child, the teacher says he does do this but what he doesn't always do is immediately move away when the child approaches. So everytime he's playing at a station or whatever he's supposed to drop everything immediately even if he's enjoying himself and with friends if this child decides they want to be go there; ridiculous in hindsight but there we go. Yesterday I had another call saying DS was playing at the water table and because he didn't move away straight away when this child approached it was unfortunate but he was pushed over and basically ended up with his face in the water and his stomach catching the side of the tub. He was told off for not moving away which I was furious about.

Anyway, DS has been up most of the night crying and saying he doesn't want to go back to school. I can't blame him, but what do I do? I've enquired at other local schools and no spaces to transfer, homeschooling isn't an option and for his sake I don't want to keep him off regularly in case he's physically assaulted at school.

I've been understanding until now, probably too much so and haven't advocated for DS as much as I should as I've tried to see the whole picture and feel for the child who evidently isn't getting the support they need; but I've had enough. I've spoken to the teachers and said if the issue is he's being mean/antagonising the child or triggering them somehow let me know and I'll reinforce at home not to do this etc, but they say no he's always just playing with others or minding his own business.

He was told off for not moving away which I was furious about.

One of mine had a soured friendship (bullying I thought but apparently too young) and it was agreed if other child bothered him he should tell an adult - he did and they told him to go away again and again - or worse still actively paired them together.

Other child history meant they got leeway and mine was label the problem even when adults admitted he was doing nothing wrong- never really got anywhere. It was two from entry so insisted they were separated.

Years later and after our child had long ceased to have any problems - other kids parents were still trying to label him as trouble when classes mixed again which was odd because other child had pulled same trick with other kids then.

So I'd get on waiting lists for other schools and in meantime ask to see the head and asking about safeguarding your child.

I was a teacher for decades prior to retirement. The onus should not be on your child to move away if the other child comes near him. It is the duty of the adults in the room to protect your child from being hurt. I would be very cross in your shoes in regards to your child being told off for not moving away fast enough. This has to be addressed by you. Do refer to the school safe guarding policy so the school know you won’t be fobbed off.

In my opinion, this is what is happening here. The child who is hurting your child needs additional support to help keep him/herself and others safe but there is no funding to provide this. This means the adults in the classroom are constantly fire fighting and trying to manipulate the behaviour of other children (this includes your son) to keep them safe from the child who is hurting others while in reality it should be this child’s behaviour being manipulated to keep others safe.

Lack of funding in schools is making this more and more common. Children with high needs are not having their needs met and their classmates are also suffering as your son is. It is actually not the fault of school staff, it is a funding issue. I’m sure the class teacher in your son’s class would love to have a 1:1 for the child hurting others but the Government have set the bar so ridiculously high to secure funding for support that it is almost impossible to get. Having said that, this is not your son’s fault and he and all the other children in the class have the right to be safe in school. Feeling under threat will not do your son any good as he starts his school life. Good luck at your meeting at the school.

I admire all teaching and school staff these days, what was a rewarding and fulfilling career is now an impossible, hard and thankless job.i am glad by my teaching days are over.

It's good you've got a meeting planned. Remind them of their duty of care towards all children - including your son. Explain that you are very concerned for his safety and you feel he's being treated unfairly in that he has to move away from any activities the other child wants to do. It's also affecting his and your mental health.
If you don't feel there's an improvement after the meeting I think you need to step it up again and write a formal letter to the school governors explaining what's happened (include all dates and incidents). Ofsted have to be shown any letters to governors. Good luck.

Do not be nice. Tell them that this child's home life, autism or any other reason is not your problem or your concern. Insist your child is protected and underline that your child is not to bow down to this other child and should not be punished because he doesn't move when this child tells him to. It is their job to control this child. Make sure they know you are documenting every single incident every single time.

This happened with my child in nursery. I wrote a letter of complaint to the Head. I outlined every incident in writing. What my child said happened and the impact on them. I used buzz works like safeguarding and the everychild matters agenda . I explained that my child didn't want to go to school and were unable to enjoy and achieve in the school environment for threat of violence. It was impacting my child's mental health. She was having nightmares. I asked what the school is doing to minimise the harm to my child. Anyhow, the Head employed a TA for that child within a week.

I think it's ludicrous to expect your child to modify his behaviour to avoid injury. He has a right to be safe and engage in activities without fear.

If the Head doesn't do anything complain to the governors and ofsted.

Also keep a diary of events and take photos of injuries

What is the schools escalation process? So for instance, in the case of the water tray, what were the consequences for the other child? Most schools use a 5-step process, if this is not managing the behaviour, I’d expect a meeting with the headteacher re: safeguarding procedures and were the school adequately following them? Sounds like not so much.

If it's the same child all the time, then that child has to be managed and prevented from hurting your DS, not your DS told off for not moving. What on earth is the school thinking of? I'd massively complain to the head, the class teacher and want a meeting about this and for it to stop. Child causing the problem is not your DS, so your DS should not have to transfer or miss school, the perpetrator must be removed.

Absolutely spot on.
I left a year ago too. It's an impossible situation in schools these days, hence why school staff are leaving in droves.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I went through the same with my DS1..bite marks, scratches, head injuries, even a pen stab to neck all done by a singular child in his class.
First of all start a spreadsheet, date of incident, injury to your child, effect on your child and action taken by the school. Back date it if you can remember and take it to your meeting. I also printed out the school's behaviour and H&S policy which stated their duty of care for your child whilst in school hours and could then demonstrate the failings.
I asked the school to provide me with a written action plan of how they were going to keep my child safe. They offered to remove the instigator for set periods of time from the classroom and everytime he attacked a child. Over a number of months, the school had enough evidence to go to the parents and council and request extra funding and testing so that the child received the 1:1 care they needed.

I'm going to assume the other kid has additional needs and is overwhelmed, and that both the school and other parents are trying their best.

That doesn't mean that you shouldn't defend your kid - it does mean that there may be more effective ways of defending him.and less effective ways.

You can, for example, offer to put your concerns in writing to school and say that school are welcome to use it for an EHCP application or a top up funding application. Helps the kid, helps you.Very clearly marks you as Good Person Who Wants To Help.

(It's possible school may say they can't apply for help until they've observed for 2 cycles. This isn't true)

You can ask if school have an Emotional Learning Support Assistant (ELSA) and if yes suggest strongly that the other kid get referred.

You can ask if school have any idea of other kid's sensory profile. Have they tried ear defenders? Chewelry? Fidgets? Wobble cushions? A safe space - perhaps a tent in the classroom?

Have they kept a diary of when other kid attacks? Do they have any sense of triggers? Eg - if he explodes after every noisy music lesson, could he skip those? Or could they be quieter?

So sick of the "got to be more understanding and compassionate to the perpetrator than to the victim" world we now inhabit.

This is exactly right. I was a teacher for 13 years until recently and totally agree with what you’ve said.

It is absolutely right that children with SEN or additional needs are not excluded from learning and so inclusion is a good thing. However, inclusion is happening in the vast majority of schools without the funding, resources and staff to ensure it happens properly and so therefore it doesn’t work for anyone; every child gets a bad deal. The child with SEN does not get the support and help that would massively enhance their time in school and similarly the other children are affected negatively by this lack of funding and support too because the behaviour disrupts lessons or they get far less time and attention from the teacher. The teacher also feels frustrated because they can’t do right by all the children in their care and they know it and can literally do nothing about it.
The English education system is really a crap place for all to be at the moment!

I would write and ask that the other child be removed from the class if they are going to repeatedly assault other children. Whatever the cause (and we don't know if this child has additional needs or not), your child should not have to live with those kinds of consequences, it's just not fair.

In response to DeeLusional - it's not a morality play. It's about what - pragmatically and practically - can help stop the situation.

Totally agree. It's victim blaming!

Your poor little boy, OP, I think he was very brave to go back today.

How did it go today OP?

I would go absolutely ballistic at the school. Your poor boy. I would also be teaching your son to hit back and hit back hard. The little horror needs to understand that your son won't just passively take his bullying any more.

It doesn't stop it though, does it.

I am so sorry op for your ds. It's definitely time to speak to the school. Ds should be able to be safe and not dreading school poor lil guy

From a different perspective... last year, my son was that child (the perpetrator). I was mortified. I did everything I could think of. Everything. I spent all of last summer researching, spoke to GP, rang various agencies begging for help. I wanted more support for my son so that he didn't lash out, and I would have loved a 1:1, but nothing was given. Don't have a go at the parents about it. While the kids are at school, they are the school's responsibility to keep safe.

Turns out my son is autistic and has ADHD by the way. Finally accommodations have been put in place for him and he hasn't hit anyone for months.

But even if the child is ASD etc, the school is still responsible for the safety of the children. If that means they need to provide 1:1 for the other child, so be it. Trouble is of course, there is no money. An ECHP may have been applied for, but that could take months or years to be finalised.

If I were you, I would write a factual email to the Head, explaining that your son is not being kept safe and that they have a duty or care. If things don't improve, then go to the governors. And yes, then to Ofsted.

If nothing improves, you may want to think of removing your son. I know that's not fair, but neither is it fair if the other child had additional needs that aren't being met. Your priority is keeping your child safe, and if the school can't do that, you will have to find a way to ensure that yourself.

Another retired teacher here, agreeing with both of the posts from teachers above, but just a couple of things to add.
The school may welcome a strong response from the OP in order to strengthen their case for providing support for the needy child. Sometimes the school needs the parents to speak up. The child of the OP may not be the only one who is experiencing difficulties with the needy one. Whilst the OP rightly says they won't be spreading gossip about the needy child, the OP could keep their ears open in the playground for other parents talking about it, and tactfully encourage them to talk to the school as well.
Also, although it is tempting to offer moving to another school as a solution, I'm afraid the situation is pretty much the same in nearly all schools, with 'presumption of mainstream' aka cost cutting and with no funding for support. Another school may turn out to have similar or worse problems!
I do hope the OP met with a sympathetic response from school at their meeting today, and came away with some reassurances about the safety of their child.

Thanks again everyone, DS had a better day today and left school smiling which although sadly doesn't indicate things have massively changed was a relief.

I asked to bring the meeting forward from tomorrow to today and they agreed. Centred it around how my DS would be kept safe rather than comments or anything on the other child, the school do seem to be taking it seriously and I feel happier working with them going forward knowing we aren't just being fobbed off. My DH is back off of exercise tomorrow (he's military so has been away which hasn't helped) and the class teacher and head have said they're happy to arrange another meeting next week we can both attend but also they have taken away some things I've asked and I guess they'll have some sort of response then.

Again it's not resolved as such but I feel better for finally pushing forward and advocating for my son; I still have empathy for the other child and for the school but know that I can fight for my child and balance those. Optimistic I know so will see, some really good advice here and I definitely feel empowered going forward, thank you again.