To be at the end of my tether with school?

[Pillowchase]

DS is in reception, he turned 5 last week.

Thankfully he settled into school the first term and was really enjoying it, I was aware this could change anytime but I find the circumstances upsetting and frustrating and not sure what to do.

Since the start of this term school have phoned 5 times because he's been pushed over, had things thrown at him causing bruising and he was bitten; 1 of which required a medical check up. Its the same child, at the end of the day they're 4, they probably have something else going on (which isn't my business) and I appreciate the teacher has a hard job managing an entire class.

Its reached the point though I'm now furious and really upset about it. Everytime I speak to school I very much angle it as well what are you going to implement to keep my child safe- they always promise this and that but I've had enough. He's been told to always stay away from this child, the teacher says he does do this but what he doesn't always do is immediately move away when the child approaches. So everytime he's playing at a station or whatever he's supposed to drop everything immediately even if he's enjoying himself and with friends if this child decides they want to be go there; ridiculous in hindsight but there we go. Yesterday I had another call saying DS was playing at the water table and because he didn't move away straight away when this child approached it was unfortunate but he was pushed over and basically ended up with his face in the water and his stomach catching the side of the tub. He was told off for not moving away which I was furious about.

Anyway, DS has been up most of the night crying and saying he doesn't want to go back to school. I can't blame him, but what do I do? I've enquired at other local schools and no spaces to transfer, homeschooling isn't an option and for his sake I don't want to keep him off regularly in case he's physically assaulted at school.

I've been understanding until now, probably too much so and haven't advocated for DS as much as I should as I've tried to see the whole picture and feel for the child who evidently isn't getting the support they need; but I've had enough. I've spoken to the teachers and said if the issue is he's being mean/antagonising the child or triggering them somehow let me know and I'll reinforce at home not to do this etc, but they say no he's always just playing with others or minding his own business.

Children in Reception can still be of compulsory school age.

If the school supports an EHCP application and provides the necessary evidence, it should not normally take more than 20 weeks to get one and it has to be funded from the moment it is finalised. It may become necessary to appeal at various stages which could take a lot of time, but if they take a defeatist attitude from the start and don't apply then they don't get them. Plus some areas have High Needs Funding arrangements for which schools can apply for interim funding.

This. Time to go nuclear.

I totally understand your frustration and i hope your sons okay x
My own son was the child that everyone complained about age 5.
He's severely autistic and I knew school would struggle with him but he had to attend a mainstream school totally unsuited for his needs because the system is not fit for purpose.
School had to gather enough evidence to prove they couldn't meet his needs and despite my fight with the education department he had to attend so this evidence could be gathered.
Lucky my son didn't hurt anyone but himself and he had amazing staff that tried 100 % to keep everyone happy.
My son was eventually moved to special education age 7 because of arguments over funding.
Please keep reporting the incidents but also have stern words with the headteacher because it's totally unfair on your son!

Is the school an academy? This makes a difference because if they are they can do as they want really and won't be answerable to LA.

Make a formal complaint to both school and LA. Meetings need following up with emails with what was said. You need a paper trail.

The reality is there is not enough money for the kids who need extra support and not enough Sen school places. If this child has Sen they are stuck trying to manage an impossible situation. They will need to prove this kid is impacting the safety of other children to be able to exclude him and that mean a formal complaint from you on every incident.

Don't speak to the parents what can they do? If it's Sen they will be feeling terrible and incredibly stressed. If it's bad parenting why is the behaviour happening at school? I would think it's Sen or the school would be excluding the child not telling yours to move away.

Also in your complaint make the point your child is being denied his legal entitlement to access education. It's impacting his social development and his mental health. School is failing in their legal duties. In my experience of having a SEN child and a not Sen child getting picked on by a Sen child (who could not be told off because school scared of disability discrimination accusations) basically it's the parents who complain the most and make it the most difficult for school that get the help for their kids. Multiple parents will probably be threatening legal action over the lack of SEN provision for their kids so your meeting is just to shush you up if say. Formal complaint every time

OP my heart breaks for you and your son. You sound like such a lovely person and you've tried so hard to be understanding. Are there no other class groups he can move to in the same school? Good luck with your meeting.

It's a one form entry so sadly can't move classes, it is an Academy as well so not sure how that differs.

Don't speak to the parents what can they do? If it's Sen they will be feeling terrible and incredibly stressed.

In honesty not sure who their parents are, but I won't be looking to speak to them anyway unless it's an agreed thing via school. As I've said i view it very much as a school issue rather than a child/parent one.

DS went in today, he was hesitant but I had a quick word with the TA on the gate to say please let me know if he says he's upset and wants to come home so I can make that decision as the parent. Not sure if it's the right thing as I did want to keep him home, but I also don't want school to then become even scarier for him and something he knows he can avoid. It's hard isn't it, you want to protect them and when you entrust that to someone else who doesn't always how do you balance out the benefit of school with the risk? If he'd said he wanted to stay home I wouldn't have forced him in and distressed him, but he was open to it.

Very level headed here, OP.

You sound like a good person. Good luck

@Pillowchase

Having recently completed a safeguarding course about looking out for signs of physical abuse, emotional abuse, bullying and neglect : it’s school where my children are most likely to experience these issues, not home.
This is a safeguarding issue.
If you are not satisfied with their response tomorrow, ask to escalate and who to escalate to. Governors? And you want contact details. And keep escalating.

Keep a record of all incidents, and go to the meeting tomorrow with dates/what happened.

All the best of luck today OP. Ultimately - right now they're enabling the bullying of your son. By giving this other child the power to disrupt his activities just by approaching him when he's involved in something, and expecting your child to comply, they are essentially complicit in your child being victimised, and it needs to stop.

Telling off your child for not stopping an activity he was engrossed in and moving away is appalling, and I think would be the centre of my complaint to the child. School are asking him to take on the burden of hypervigilance about this child, rather than it being their role - and it's totally inappropriate.

Do you know any of the parent governors @Pillowchase Might you be able to catch them on the yard? I'm a governor at my local primary and parents have occasionally come to me not knowing where to turn with an issue or a complaint and I have been able to go straight to the head on their behalf. My school also takes a lot of SEN children which is great for them, but inevitably disruptive for children like your son. I feel so sad for him, and you, as school should be a lovely place to be. I really hope a solution is found for you as soon as possible.

Escalate, escalate, escalate and keep going. Your child has a right to be happy and safe at school. The other child's behaviour is preventing that. That child may need help but it is not your son's responsibilty to provide that or to be the fall guy when he can't cope. School need to act and provide support right now - behaviour as you describe only gets worse over time and as they get older.

Be aware that the school may be unable or unwilling to act and one of the outcomes of an escalation is that you move your DS to a different school. This is how it was for us - I naively assumed that the school would have the same appetite to resolve the issue as I did and so was 'nice' for a lot longer than I should have been!

Good luck for the meeting tomorrow, you sound a great parent and human being.

If nothing else, it's unacceptable that school are teaching him that if someone is mistreating them, they are in the wrong for "letting themselves be around that person". Insane.

Do any other kids have trouble with this bully ?
Maybe discreetly ask other parents at pick up time- very often they will know if he comes from a problem family

The school should be speaking to the parent of that child. Sounds like the boy is struggling with the environment and your son is bearing the brunt of it. They need to get the boy assessed for SEN. You don't have to have a diagnosis or an EHCP in place to get funding from LA. The EHCP process is hellish in itself (my severely autistic son has EHCP and us stuck in mainstream as there are no specialist places we applied for one a year ago). You would be helping that family by suggesting it to the school as the kid will be excluded eventually if the school don't act.

Ultimately the school needs to safeguard the kids, so they need to be taking steps towards protecting your son. I would ask to meet with the year leader and head to come up with a plan.

Sorry about your ds going through this at 4! I would be absolutely furious. I wouldn't even take the sympathetic route tbh. If you questioned the school about this child, or sen issues they would firmly tell you this isn't any of your business so I would absolutely take his issues as none of my concern and wouldn't tolerate this regardless of any issue.
Honestly I'll get flamed, but this is why I went private after seeing so many friends go through issues like this. Their kids having to put up with shit because of 'being inclusive'. So one child's education trumps everyone else's.
My ds is at a school where there are consequences and sanctions, not wet wishy washy fob offs.

Quite!

No specific advice but just wanted to say you sound very reasonable and thoughtful in your approach, and wish you luck. The situation as it is is helping no one and the school haven’t handled it well at all.

In my opinion you should park yourself at the Principal's office door and not budge until you get a resolution that you are happy with.

They need to be protecting your son and they are not.

They have a duty of care to your son and telling him to move when this child approaches. That is not workable.

Ask to see their anti-bullying policy, their safeguarding policy and ask what they are planning on putting in place to safeguard your son. You don't mind what they do for the other child because your focus should and must be on what they are doing to protect your son.

Yep - spot on

We had something similar but from a child who didn't speak English. It was, we think, just an attempt to get my 5 years old DD's attention but because it was ongoing they stopped the other child playing in the same playground. Thankfully my DD wasn't upset by it because she liked the other child but had it continued, we would have insisted something was done. In a week we had 4 calls to tell us she'd either been slapped, had her hair pulled or been pushed over. Each time they told me they were addressing the behaviour with the other child.

I'd absolutely be going in and raising an issue. A 4 year shouldn't be scared of going to school.

Use this as an analogy when you do go in to meet with the Principal because that is the logic they are spouting which is flawed.

Recording without consent is OK (I think), for personal use. The problem though is if you want to pass it to someone else (may be wrong)

Do not approach the parents of the other child.

These instances happened during school time so the school (no matter how frustrating it may be) must resolve it.

If it happened outside of school, in a soft play centre, by all means, go ballistic on their asses but as it happened in school, use the mechanisms that are in place to escalate and address this that they have in place.