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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

586 replies

Clemcy · 31/01/2024 23:29

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

OP posts:
DaIIie · 31/01/2024 23:31

I dont think it's an overreaction no. I think it's lessing learned as no amount of money can bring her mum back.

SweetBirdsong · 31/01/2024 23:31

EEEEEEEEK. Yep thoughtless comment. I guess you meant no harm, but I would say sorry.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 31/01/2024 23:33

As i was reading your post i was thinking 'please don't say something about being lucky'. I don't think it was an overreaction to be upset by the comment. You know it was the wrong thing to say. Not much you can do about it now though. You've apologied and hopefully your colleague will be able to move past it.

LunaNorth · 31/01/2024 23:34

I think that you misspoke. People do it all the time. You’ve apologised, and now it’s time to move on.

Raz40 · 31/01/2024 23:34

Reminds me of colleague A saying to colleague B ‘At least you don’t have to worry about buying your mum a Christmas present’. Colleague B having lost her mum to breast cancer when she was 14.

Not an overreaction from them.

Sisiwawa · 31/01/2024 23:35

I think they are over reacting a bit.
They obviously know you well enough to know you were not being nasty. It is a lot of money, you were commenting on the sum,not how she came to have it. All you can do is apologise.

Fedupwithitx · 31/01/2024 23:35

I appreciate it was a bit thoughtless, but I dont think it's worth making someone feel really bad about it (as you do) as long as you've apologised I don't think any more should be said.
I'm sure it was clear you absolutely didn't mean it that way.

Universalsnail · 31/01/2024 23:35

Yes they are overreacting.

It is incredibly lucky and privileged to have that much money aside for you like that.

That does not mean that the circumstances that it came about are not awful, but tbh many children loose a parent and do not end up with that amount of money. She is lucky.

When my partner's Dad died it meant we suddenly had his inheritance to buy a house with. We could never have otherwise. We're we lucky to inherit that money, yes. We're the circumstances awful. Yes. Would my partner rather have had his Dad alive, absolutely yes. All 3 are true.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 31/01/2024 23:35

I don't think it's an overreaction either.
There's no luck in it, she has money because her mum died.

That said, you apologised and if it was sincere, I think it's bad form not to accept it.

Testina · 31/01/2024 23:36

I don’t think it’s an over reaction, no. The 3 colleagues don’t know that they’ve each messaged you, or that he has.

I think you need to gracefully accept that you were hurtful - and move on. He’s given you a fair and honest response - not an over reaction - and I expect you’re here on AIBU in the hope that you’ll be told no. Which I think is the opposite of graceful acceptance.

To the colleagues, I’d say, “thanks for letting me know - I realised that and I’ve been in touch directly”. To him I’d say, “I apologise again - you’re right of course.”

whatkatydid2014 · 31/01/2024 23:36

On the one hand it was thoughtless. On the other hand she could very easily have lost her mum and not have £800m available to set her up for uni and first home. She is pretty fortunate to have a dad that’s handled the money in that way and set up things to be easier for her starting out her adult life, particularly as she’s also desperately unlucky to have lost her mum at a young age.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2024 23:38

She’s luckier than someone whose mum died who didn’t have a huge amount of money waiting for her. Of course you didn’t say it to be cruel. You’ve apologised. They’ve each thought they were the only one to tell you off a bit, hopefully they’ll let it go.

resipsa · 31/01/2024 23:38

I've said crass things and had them said to me. You have apologised. Try not to dwell. Time will make it better.

Boobettes · 31/01/2024 23:38

I know you feel bad about blurting that out without thinking, but you're dismissing his hurt as an over reaction and that's even worse, because you've had the time to think about it!

Wakeywake · 31/01/2024 23:40

I don't think they overreacted, overreaction would be putting in a complaint to HR or naming and shaming in the local newspaper. They just let you know that your comment has caused upset, which is fair. Now you've apologised, end of story.

friendlycat · 31/01/2024 23:41

I view it two ways. Obviously you just blurted out what you did, but honestly I don’t think he needed to quantify the amount of money available for his daughter. It just seems unnecessary.

Yes it was crass for you to say that, but did he really need to also add those figures into the equation?

I was devastated at my own personal loss of my Mother, and benefited from her estate but would not have welcomed conversation about it casually being bandied around.

Teeheehee1579 · 31/01/2024 23:42

Yes I do think they overreacted - you obviously did not mean isn’t she lucky her mum died, you meant she’s lucky to have the money that she will have. And she is lucky to have the money. Obviously not lucky her mum died. Both can be true. You apologised and I think his response should have been far more gracious given the lack of intent to hurt and offend.

Universalsnail · 31/01/2024 23:43

Tbh I have read this again and in all honesty i think it's pretty thoughtless to be telling people you have saved up 800k for your kid when people are experiencing a cost of living crisis. So many children have sadly lost a parent and their surviving parent wouldn't be able to give their child any help like this let alone 800k.

You spoke and apologised. It was obvious you didn't mean she was lucky her mum died and that she was lucky he was able to save up such a large sum for her.

Everyone should have let it go as soon you apolagised.

DojaPhat · 31/01/2024 23:43

Yeesh!! From the sounds of it they'll not drop this even when the daughter becomes a grandmother. Take heart, it was a careless mistake but don't participate in the ensuing chastising. You've apologised and that's enough, frankly you were right. Many people who lose loved ones end up in dire situations, talk less of a house deposit waiting for them to turn 18.

ElevenSeven · 31/01/2024 23:44

I don’t think it’s an overreaction.

PremiumRaa · 31/01/2024 23:44

He shouldn't really be telling people the sum of money put aside if he doesn't want people to pass comment - you did it without thinking and probably voiced the same sentiment many hearing it would have been thinking. It's ungracious of him not to move past this.

Issueatwork · 31/01/2024 23:44

You misspoke, it’s something I would say. The mum wasn’t at the forefront of the conversation, just the money so it would easily be said.

Young people lose their parents all the time unfortunately, and most don’t see inheritance never mind close to a million so in that sense she is lucky really. Doesn’t need to be said though I guess.

friendlycat · 31/01/2024 23:46

PremiumRaa · 31/01/2024 23:44

He shouldn't really be telling people the sum of money put aside if he doesn't want people to pass comment - you did it without thinking and probably voiced the same sentiment many hearing it would have been thinking. It's ungracious of him not to move past this.

I tend to agree with this.

RumbleMum · 31/01/2024 23:48

Teeheehee1579 · 31/01/2024 23:42

Yes I do think they overreacted - you obviously did not mean isn’t she lucky her mum died, you meant she’s lucky to have the money that she will have. And she is lucky to have the money. Obviously not lucky her mum died. Both can be true. You apologised and I think his response should have been far more gracious given the lack of intent to hurt and offend.

I agree with this. It was thoughtless and I understand why your colleague was hurt, but we all say thoughtless things occasionally - the point is a) whether someone has a track record of this kind of stuff and b) whether you apologised.

Issueatwork · 31/01/2024 23:48

If it makes you feel any better, my best friends dad died when we were 15. A couple of years later I said something along the lines “wow you’re literally soooo lucky” when I found out she didn’t have to pay her mobile phone bill because it came out of her inheritance.
We’re still best friends and she always makes jokes of it.