Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

Comments like that come from people who are a bit stupid or a bit horrible. I don't think so many people would have messaged you if they thought you were a bit dim and it was a harmless comment, so it must have come across pretty badly. Was your apology sincere? Because you calling the reaction an overreaction says a lot.

They're over-reacting. You've apologised twice to him, that's enough.

Yes, it was crass, but tbh so is telling people about your financial situation.

I can see why you're upset and it's a a shame that he hasn't been able to accept your genuine apology with 'thanks for apologising. I know you didn't mean to upset me, but the loss still hurts' or something like that.

You've apologised twice for what was a throwaway comment in the first place with no malice intended. There isn't much more you could have done. His response back to you was meant to sting and the fact that you're still feeling so awful about it shows that you're a nice person who wouldn't intentionally have said something like this. 💐

I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

He sounds like an arsehole to me. I despise people who still chide you after you’ve genuinely apologized.

And his daughter is fortunate to get that amount of money, regardless of what it was that prompted her father to start saving.

You fucked up.

Take it on the chin - it was a daft thing to say so don’t try and wriggle out of that, just apologise without making excuses or being OTT.

Saying that it’s pretty daft of him to be splashing such figures around especially right now, so I wouldn’t actually feel bad, you aren’t the only one that would have fallen into that.

Your colleagues sound like drama queens, so just say you misspoke and have apologised. Don’t feed their need for drama.

Obviously, she is lucky financially - lots of people lose their mums without inheriting close to a million quid, but there was no need for you to point that out, so it doesn’t help your defence.

Why was he boasting about all that money? Totally overreacting

Are you one of OP’s colleagues?!

The DRAMA

I think it's an over reaction.. you were saying lucky about the amount of money obviously. Her mum could have died and still not have money for a flat 🤷‍♀️

no amount of money makes up for the trauma of losing your mum as a child

I think you've made yourself out to be the jealous person you apparently are, even though this father shouldn't have been talking actual figures. Any situation involving a child who lost their mother at a young age needs a very high degree of consideration. As my parents have always said, think before you speak.

Forget about apologising again, it won't fix it.

They absolutely overreacted. Don't feel bad.

My Dad committed suicide when I was 18. I haven't spent the last 30:odd years bringing people up on it if it gets mentioned.

Like others have said - don't bring up an 800,000 fortune if you don't want to talk about it. That's ridiculous. Unless he was bringing it up as - woe is me.

Fuck em.

I’ve made a very similar comment before that I wished I could take back as soon as I said it. No one made me feel bad about it though because everyone could see it for what it was, a really, really stupid comment.

I think he is overreacting a bit - you meant no harm and it’s clear why you said it in the context.

They're overreacting. Have they honestly never accidentally said something out of turn like that? I think we all have at some point.

I recently lost my dad at a young-ish age and was able to buy my first house with the inheritance. Obviously I'd rather have my dad than the money and house but I'm also very aware that lots of people lose a parent at a young age and don't even get an inheritance so I'm not going around telling everyone about it.

When I was buying the house and told the estate agent I'm paying cash and my DH said it's from an inheritance the estate agent said something along the lines of 'oh that's lucky'. I knew he was referring to the fact that I was able to buy my first house mortgage free and not that I'd lost someone, because you'd have to be a really horrible person to genuinely think someone's lucky to lose a close family member. So I didn't say anything and we carried on.

You've apologised and he didn't need to come back to you with that comment, please don't think on it any longer.

It's all fairly normal and understandable human interaction to me.

You made an only human mistake. It hurt a widower deeply, even though you didn't mean to. People told you that he was hurt. You apologised. He didn't graciously accept the apology, but that shouldn't be a condition of apologising.

If you're seeking grace for being only human and making an insensitive comment, give the man who wishes he had his wife instead of the money the same grace for not having replied as you wish he had. Give the others grace that they didn't know others would also be telling you.

I don't think yabu. Having been in this position this comment would not upset me ( though the loss incredibly painful) if this was genuine thoughtless comment i could see where you were coming from.

It was an unfortunate comment but let's face it very few people who lose a parent at a young age get the best part of a million pounds handed to them when they're at uni. So from the perspective that it's down to her Dad prioritising her & investing well, she IS lucky.

Can men do anything right for some people? I enjoy this website but the men bashing that goes on can get out of control. He's a widower, who stepped up to the plate for his daughter and was hurt by a thoughtless comment. I'm sure he'll get over it but the person who did the hurting isn't the person who gets to decide when the apology is to be accepted. OP, I actually sympathy because we've all been there. Give him space and time. And if it comes up again apologize again.

Agree with this. He was more insensitive casually bragging about his 800k, and yes, he is overreacting.

This is very wise. Whilst I don't think you need to continue chiding yourself for what was a genuine foot in mouth moment which we've all done and for which you've apologised, you can also give him grace for not graciously accepting your apology.

I think this too.

I'd be tempted to reply something like 'Actually your DD is lucky that she has a father who loves her, chose to prioritise her future and who was financially savvy enough to enable her to have such a huge sum of money. If course it won't make up for losing her mum. If you genuinely think I am so awful as to have meant she was lucky her mother died, then I can see why you can't accept my apologies, and I'm truly sorry you feel that way.

He sounds like a drama queen tbh. Yes, it's very sad he lost his wife and his daughter lost her mother, but she didn't hear it, it wasn't recent, and it was crass of him to boast about it, even give the figure, why?! What kind of reaction did he want? It's one of those awkward silences that somebody could easily try to fill and say the wrong thing. The fact he won't accept your apology when you have gone out of your way to do it a second time is way OTT.

This

I get it was the wrong thing to say. I think he should have graciously accepted your apology though.

Oh come on! I'm surprised at the comments here. If I was in that conversation I would have assumed you were complimenting the dad for being able to provide that money. It's the normal reaction to someone saying they have huge sums of money for their child

Yes obviously it is awful that she lost her mother and it's good that you clarified that! But I think it's pretty weird that anyone would think you were saying she was lucky in her life in general, as he just spoke about the money.

I wouldn't blame him for being upset as it's an emotional topic. But everyone bringing it up after you apologised at the time seems pretty odd

Yes it's a total overreaction. From the father for all the reasons listed above by pps and the grief vulture colleagues just lapping up the drama. Please don't apologise again.

I wonder why he said the sum involved , he must have known it's a large sum of money and to expect a reaction . It's not normal for a young girl to receive that kind of money .

I think what you said was obviously a spontaneous comment and surely they realise no malice was intended .

I do think they've over reacted tbh .