Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

That was to pootlin

Don't be too hard on yourself. You just misspoke and your intention wasn't to be hurtful. Maybe just apologise again and leave it at that.

The daughter is lucky, in that £800k means she'll have no uni fees or student debt, a house with no mortgage, a wedding completely paid for, probably a car....how many other teenagers are in that situation?

No, she's not lucky her mum died, but she is fortunate, to have a father who was willing to sell the family home, move somewhere cheap and put the rest of the proceeds away, just for her (after buying their new home outright). That's a big commitment to providing for his daughters life, and very good planning.

Foot in mouth? Of course, but it is an obscene amount of money and most would think it.

You spoke thoughtlessly, you apologised. I’d probably reply “thank you for being so understanding” and move on (he hasn’t really been very understanding but no harm in pretending).

YANBU

What does he actually want? A public flogging? To parade you through the streets crying shame shame?

You've apologised, end of.

And your colleagues can stay out of it.

Yesterday a colleague of mine made an insensitive joke that really upset another. She apologised but he was clearly furious.
Later on she asked me if he was still angry, I knew he was but I just told her I dont know and if she was worried to get in touch with him directly. It was nothing to do with me just like it's nothing to do with your colleagues.

Your comment was thoughtless which you accept and you have apologised,
It does seem strange that all three individually text you to comment about this . Was there more to it ? Do you have tendency to be ‘woe is me ‘ ?

I think your comment was fine, the alternative would be to pause and overthink every tiny bit of small talk for fear of causing offence. If we were all AI chat bots then this sort of thing wouldn’t happen, but we’re human and sometimes we’ll say stuff off the cuff without meaning any harm.

As someone who lost my parents at a young age, I can't see the offense in this - yes she is lucky to have such a huge amount of money.

Lots of people lose their parents and don't have the luck of financial security.

Probably because its a bloke for some reason they always get more sympathy for raising a child.

I have this sort of response to something at the weekend. Recipient was smoothed down and thanked me!

Yes total over reaction to an innocent comment.

It was thoughtless, as you made it all about the money. And compared it to what you have, and it is not about you, she only has that money as her mother died when she was a young child. Now you’re playing the victim.

I find the three other people who messaged you on his behalf to be a bit unreasonable. Fair enough the man himself bringing it up himself as he was likely dwelling on it.

Yes, OP, you put your foot in it , but at least you aren't an interfering busybody.

This is the kind of thing I would say OP but then I am autistic - I’d have been thinking about the money only and not the way it came about.
This is why I avoid conversation in real life 😂

I think you were right to apologise. But I think it's obvious that you misspoke and didn't actually mean "how lucky she is that her mum died".

But she is lucky in the sense that plenty of people lose a parent young and don't end up with loads of money. Plenty of people who lose a parent young end up financially worse off. And she's lucky that her father has saved it all for her, he could have spent it. None of that means she wouldn't rather have her mum. And I wouldn't have said she was lucky.

This is totally something I would do... Can you clarify with him that you meant she's lucky to have a dad like him that's been so sensible with the money and put it away for her future. To be fair, many, many people would have either frittered most of it or 'invested' it in bitcoin or whatever and lost it all.

I'm sorry you're upset, I know that foot in mouth feeling all too well.

What a thin skinned wanker. And what a set of drama loving energy vampires.
If they can't accept your apology and move on Fuck'em.

I don't think what you said was all that bad, it wasn't meant to be mean or sarcastic. The guy does have a right to be a bit upset, but you have acknowledged that and offered a genuine apology. I think you have behaved well. Him replying to your apology with a snarky comment to make you feel worse shows an unpleasant mentality and as per my summary above I would not waste my time feeding that

But she is a lucky girl in the sense that she's going to be a homeowner for free at the age of 19 through no effort of her own when some won't even be able to get a mortgage.

It has nothing to do with her mother which is a separate issue.

I think they're being ttwats

I think it was a bit braggy of him to tell everyone his daughter had 800k waiting for her. Why not just say a sum of money?

And yes, it won’t bring her mum back, but equally there are kids out there who have lost a parent who won’t ever have a sum of money like that to start their adult life with.

Your comment was a bit insensitive and I agree you should apologise, but the reality is she is quite a lucky girl in one way, just not in another.

Well he was obviously bragging.
You have children the same age who won't have the sort of money.

He said it to show off and make an impression.
You don't talk about your teen having close on a million quid without a reason surely?

What were you all supposed to say to that!?

Your response is something that would have gone totally unnoticed in my work place.

That's what I was thinking. She hasn't inherited the money, her dad has just made financial choices that benefitted her. She's lucky he was able to do that, and I'm not sure the connection to the mother's death

I can’t believe they are beating you with this! They’re really unkind to use what was clearly a thoughtless comment to make you feel small and stupid. Honestly, they are being really mean.

Just a different perspective:

It’s hard for young girls growing up without a mum. She’s of an age now where she’ll be getting hr heart broken, going to the prom, and a number of other things that girls just need/want from their mum, and she doesn’t have her’s. It’s possible that he’s going through a difficult time with her emotionally atm, and your comment just struck that chord at the wrong time.

As for the colleagues, it’s likely that they just all messaged individually rather than there being a planned multi messaging iyswim, so while you’re looking at it as having received several messages, they’re only looking at it as having sent one. And a “he’s upset” comment isn’t exactly an overreaction, and he’s not wrong to be upset, how often do we say on here that nobody has the right to tell someone when to stop grieving or how that should affect them.

You’ve said it, it’s done, as long as it’s not an issue going forward I’d just put it down to a thoughtless comment which you apologised for.

YABU, it was a shit thing to say.

You cannot deny his response and level of upset caused - you are going to have to accept in this case you caused this and that he's not yet in a place where he lets you off. Good on him to respect his feelings enough not to wave this away.

If I was you, in response to his text, I would reiterate my apology and say you are sincerely sorry to have upset him and said something so thoughtless.