Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

No don’t reply like that and make it worse. When someone has lost their partner or mum the last thing they need to hear is that they are lucky. Of course they would rather have her back than have the money. The last thing they will feel is lucky.
You’ve apologised and that’s enough. His reaction is his reaction and he’s entitled to that. Hopefully now he can move past the comment and apology.

Well, you said it yourself: “I genuinely wasn’t thinking”. I don’t see how that exonerates you in any way.

Whether or not he’s tempered his reaction adequately isn’t for you to decide, and frankly if you’d put as much thought into the comment as you’re putting into the umbrage you’re taking right now, you wouldn’t be here.

Lesson learned.

Actually he was being totally crass naming the amount of money. He was showing insensitivity towards those he was speaking to, who don’t have that money to support their kids.

And yes the poor kid is deeply painfully unlucky to have lost her mum, but lucky to have a supportive father and a tonne of cash.

He and your colleagues over reacted.

I'm on your side here,op.

They are overreacting

Of course you didnt mean that!

He’s an arsehole for being upset his wife died and his daughter losing her mother?

you sound like an arsehole too.

I understand that you said this by mistake, but it was thoughtless and it's fair that he's not just brushed it off. I guess put yourself in his shoes. I do wonder that perhaps your apology didn't seem sincere as you seem quite blase, hence the reaction from everyone else. I'd probably go for a other genuine, heartfelt apology and say it was a stupid comment that just came out without thinking and then leave it at that

Gosh this is the worst possible reply, completely insensitive and patronising. Please don't send anything like this

I wouldn't say it's an over reaction. He's hardly going on about it - he only send one text and it was in reply to you. It was a pretty calm text just saying that yes, he did get hurt from what you said.

As for the others, again, one text each, and they probably didn't know the others had sent anything.

Which bit is an over reaction exactly? You made a truly thoughtless, borderline green eyed monster comment and all he said was think more in future. Quite restrained really and to be honest if you sitting there upset for a few minutes stops you from making more hurtful comments then probably a good thing,

You've apologised, and however much the comment might have surprised or hurt him, it seems clear it wasn't meant maliciously. I wouldn't bring it up again unless someone else does, in which case I'd calmly explain that you realise it was a thoughtless comment, however you meant no harm and you've apologised, then leave it. Least said, soonest mended.

I do think it was a bit much for three of them to feel compelled to text you, even assuming they didn't know the others were texting. Quite frankly, his admonishment to be careful what you say would irk me when you've already apologised twice. People usually take a moment, then try to shrug these things off and get on with life, particularly as you'd already apologised in the moment. He's not being very gracious. I'd try to forget about it and carry on as usual. You've done all you can or should, imo.

Of course she's lucky to have that money waiting for her.
And of course you didn't mean that she was lucky to lose her mum!!
YANBU at all. It's an overreaction on their part.

He “stepped up to the plate for his daughter?” He didn’t do more than any parent of whatever sex is supposed to do.

I don’t think they’re over reacting. You were thoughtless about some thing that is extremely sensitive. If you can’t engage your brain during conversations about such topics, try to say nothing.

I think if you were truly sorry, you wouldn’t post it here even, trying to get people on your side. You may not have meant it how it came out but that doesn’t take away the shock and hurt it would cause to hear it, so just put yourself in your colleagues shoes.

You fucked up, you have apologised, now you should just let it go.

I agree with this. If you were sorry you'd feel bad about it, not post on here trying to get people to justify your opinion. Pull your head in. Also he just said to think, which was right. I'm assuming you wanted him to say no worries, and it's ok?

Some people have money some people don’t. There’s no excuse for being an arsehole though.

If you're generally a kind, generous of spirit sort of person then the four individuals acting independently are definitely over-reacting.

If you generally react in a 'jealous' way, or have a history of making sarky/envious comments, then they are not over-reacting.

For me, I think the fact you've referenced how little your own home is worth in comparison to the young lady's imminent wealth says quite a bit really.

It's probably all down to your 'tone', and potentially your previous reactions to people mentioning things you don't have/can't afford.

Agree with this too, if you're generally a nice person I think you would have been given more leeway. The fact four other people have said something gives you your answer

Yes he overreacted. And he was showing off about the money he’d saved when you were all talking about how worried you were. Bit of a hypocrite, and very undignified talking about you being your back and not accepting the apology.

3 people messaged though, to point out what the OP already acknowledged. Sounds more like they're milking the opportunity to have a dig at OP to me.

Even if l got a stab to the heart if someone said that l would leave it off as it makes everything a bit awkward now. He is being a bit crass discussing his private money business like that especially mentioning amounts. It was lovely you apologised and that should have been that.

It was a stupid, thoughtless comment from you, and one that he cannot unhear.

If course you didn't mean that she was lucky her mum died, but your mouth ran away on wheels. However, I think he was also wrong to divulge private information like the figures involved. He could have said just about everything he did without doing that, and he probably will keep quiet about it in the future because it invited your unfortunate remark.

You've apologised. You'll probably need to apologise again and show that you are properly contrite. It will always be an extremely sensitive issue for them, so don't dismiss it as an overreaction. Accept it.

I think the fact that OP has posted here shows this is playing on her mind as she genuinely didn’t mean to upset this person.

Many children lose parents and are left with nothing, and I personally think in the context of this conversation I would automatically think the OP was saying the girl was lucky for the amount of money and that her dad thought to act the way he had to provide it for her. Of course it doesn’t replace her mum, but it’s a legacy many children don’t get so why shouldn’t she count herself lucky?

I thought he seemed pretty restrained in his reply, honestly. You should think before you speak.

It was thoughtless but exactly that, no malice intended. I think he was in his rights to say what he did about being careful what you say. All you can do is apologise, and you have so try and put it behind you.

From what you've said I think it would have been clear to the people there that you meant no malice. Obviously you were commenting on the amount of money and not the fact that the girl lost her mother ... why on earth would anyone say that was lucky?
I think his response to you is over the top, considering you apologised. And frankly he had no need to be mentioning the specifics of the amount in the first place!
You misspoke, you had the good grace to say sorry and you don't need to beat yourself up about it.