For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

[daisyviolet]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 10 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument about him wanting me to quit my job to find something better. I earn 30k in a job that I love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are super nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; I'm not just another number.

My DP earns around 40k but probably earns closer to 50k with all the overtime he does. He thinks it's unfair that he works so much overtime when I could leave my company and find a job that pays me more, but I'd enjoy less.

We're trying to save for a wedding and pay off some debt from some recent work we had to have done on the house. I also think my car is on its last legs and I'm panicking about that. We're both feeling the strain money-wise. I feel guilty that he's doing all this overtime to help us save, but equally I don't want to leave my job and lovely colleagues for a workplace I could be absolutely miserable in. My last workplace was horrendous and I think I'm still traumatised from it!

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

AIBU?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4999590-for-asking-my-partner-to-consider-changing-jobs-to-allow-me-to-work-less

You could suggest he takes on all the household duties that you are currently doing and you will take a second job to bring extra income, he will quickly change his mind.

I thought this yesterday but didnt post. Now I've read your partners reverse post I'm posting to say it:
Cut your losses OP. He is not a prince amongst anything. Bin him and move on.

Why do you do everything around the house? You do realise that when you have kids he’ll expevt you to everything with them too!! You’ll be the one taking time off when they’re sick etc.

If you love your job stay in it. If he loves you he will want you to be happy. Tell him to sack the overtime & review your spending so you can live on £70k & pay off the debt.

It's your career.

My DH goes on about me looking for a job that pays better but he doesn't understand my field. I have it pretty good, flexible, and great team. I'm happy and not leaving.

No no no no no nope. Red flags everywhere. Do not give up this job - by all means ask around regarding development possibilities, additional hours etc but don't risk losing this, especially if children are on the cards at some point. Also these many hours of domestic jobs that he doesn't help with - what the actual heck? Does he think you have a three way house share with the housework fairy? Time to sit down and thrash out responsibilities, income and communication with your partner, and see where each of you see life going for you as a partnership.

Your incompatible nether are wrong

you don’t want to earn more liking the job is more a priority

he doesn’t want to have to pick up the financial void left by you not earning what you potentially could

Just last night my DH and I were talking about a career he'd turned down in pharmaceutical sales and how we'd have so much more $ today if he'd stuck in that role. But we quickly agreed he'd have sold his soul. Looking back we don't regret his lower-earning career choice because he spent far more time with DDs when young and is happier today. And it's now like we're living in poverty or anything. We just don't take fancy trips 3x year like his former colleagues and our car is 12 years old.

Speaking as someone who has been mostly unhappy in my current Job for past approx 4 years, with no luck in alternative job applications, I look back on my previous job/department wistfully wishing I’d never left, even though it was 11 years ago. So I say you are wise to be reluctant to move with all the positive points you made about it. Generally speaking men don’t get as emotionally attached to their jobs as women do. Fortunately for me, my kind & understanding husband has suggested I retire early next year (9 years before state pension, but less than 2 years before current job pension) as we have worked out we should be able to manage financially reasonably comfortably on his salary alone, though we won’t be as financially well off. Quality of life isn’t just about material things, it’s about enjoying all aspects of your life, including work if possible. Try to convey this to your partner, if he still stubbornly pushes you to leave your current job you may want to re-consider your future with him. As one person commented earlier, an income of £70,000 per year ought to be enough for 2 people to live on, even if you live in London.

What on earth made you show your DP your thread?

IMO: this is definitely not the kind of relationship to convert into a married one, if you want a happy harmonious married life.

Why not keep working in your nice job and take on another job and match your DH’s overtime hours. But then he has to start pulling his weight by dividing the household chores

Stay in your job. You will resent him if you have to work somewhere you don’t like, and be really miserable going in day after day. If you’re doing all the domestic work you’re doing enough to help.