For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

[daisyviolet]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 10 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument about him wanting me to quit my job to find something better. I earn 30k in a job that I love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are super nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; I'm not just another number.

My DP earns around 40k but probably earns closer to 50k with all the overtime he does. He thinks it's unfair that he works so much overtime when I could leave my company and find a job that pays me more, but I'd enjoy less.

We're trying to save for a wedding and pay off some debt from some recent work we had to have done on the house. I also think my car is on its last legs and I'm panicking about that. We're both feeling the strain money-wise. I feel guilty that he's doing all this overtime to help us save, but equally I don't want to leave my job and lovely colleagues for a workplace I could be absolutely miserable in. My last workplace was horrendous and I think I'm still traumatised from it!

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

AIBU?

Yeah, he's not a keeper.

After you have kids, you'll be doing all the domestic drudgery and picking up the slack with child care, school pickups, late nights, etc. He won't appreciate that either because that's his nature.

Personally can't tolerate this type of man and feel very sad that some women do

Do not leave the job you love.

If you need to earn more money to save up for the wedding, then you could pick up a Saturday job or maybe bar work a couple of evenings per week. But of course he will then need to agree to doing 50% of all housework and dog waking.

If he isn’t happy with the above then 🚩do not marry this man.

Also very interested to know if he did half of the housework and dog walking before he took on the overtime? Is it a new arrangement to compensate for his longer working hours? If so, then it’s fair.

Or is he a sexist twat who thinks you should do it all because he has a penis or because he earns more money, even though you both worked full-time? If so then RUN.

This does seem unfair to you at first look..but what would happen if he feels his workplace is toxic, he wants a change etc? If he decided unilaterally to take a job earning 30k like you what would you do? Would you as a couple be able to afford your current life? He doesn't value the work you do at home & that is a separate issue especially if you have children with him.

I would start bossing him about on the subject of his job & see how he responds.

List all the domestic work you do including the number of hours it takes. Multiply that by at least the national living wage (or your hourly rate!) and add that to your annual salary. Then put that figure in front of him and tell him to wind his goddamned neck in.

"If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week)."
Shocked. I'm shocked, I tell ya!

So if, hypothetically, you were to change your job to one like his, doing overtime etc. - do you think he'd take over half of the domestic load? Answer yourself honestly, no need to write it here, but to yourself - imagine the scenario. What do you think he would do?

I'll tell you what I think he'd do. He'd bluster. Maybe do a bit of Strategic Incompetence (i.e. deliberately fuck up any tasks he does to force you back to doing it). He definitely wouldn't share the domestic load equally. If he were the type to share the load, this imbalance between the two of you would NEVER have arisen. It suits him for you to do grunt work, and for him to come home to all the domestic work done by anyone-but-him.

You two need to talk. NOT argue - talk. He needs to be clear on how HIS lifestyle would have to change if you were to take on a new job. I don't think he has considered the Big Picture here. In his eyes, only paid work contributes to the household. He's not considering the unpaid work necessary to keep a household afloat. Well - he doesn't do it, so he doesn't SEE it, so of course he's not considering it! Or, more importantly, he is not valuing it.

Bottom line, if he wants you to contribute the same financially as he does, he needs to step up and contribute the same domestically as you do. No ifs, no buts.

And you definitely need to bring the practicalities of having children into the conversation. Would he expect you to work full time, do all the domestic load, AND rear his children single-handed?

If you changed jobs how much more do you think you would be able to earn, if it was only something like 5k I would hardly bother as you seem to like your current job so much

Is there a possibility of career progression in your current job and is there a possibility of a pay rise in the near future or have you already asked for one

£70K should be ample for a child free couple to live on unless you have huge debts or have overstretched yourself on the mortgage.

You need to sit down and look at all income and expenses, download the MSE budget planner and fill it in honestly.

Look at where you can cut back, so that he can reduce his overtime if he is unhappy. If you are both working equal hours, say 40 a week, then he will need to do his share of the housework. Two people working equal hours should be sharing the housework equally.

Also discuss what will happen if/when you have DC? How does he propose to survive financially once you have DC expenses, childcare etc, and potentially less income if one/both of you cut your hours to look after DC. What if you have less income? will he be happy to pool money as family money so that you both have enough?

I don't think you should be forced to change jobs, but I do think he should be able to work less hours.

Could you tot up how many hours of domestic work you do and work out the value of that based on your current hourly wage? I’d hazard guess your unpaid labour is enabling him to do so much overtime without everything else falling apart so it’s still of value to your household.

The more you earn, the more people want from you generally so if you took a £40k role you may find you can no longer carry that load alone. Would he step up and would that reduce his overtime leaving you no better off?

You need to have a frank conversation because it’s not as straight forward as he’s presenting it and he sounds oblivious to your full contribution.

is the type of job your bf does one that has no progression and making more relies on working overtime?

It would make sense for him to find a job with regular hours that pay more.

but then again it is common for men to put in long hours to avoid chores and family life.

Even if you get a job earning more than he does with longer hours he will still expect YOU to do all the housework.
I would be thinking long and hard about whether you actually want to marry him.

Ask him to quit his job and find another better paid one so he doesn’t need to do overtime.

Please don't give up your job. The dude is red flags all over.

OP, ordinarily I'd side with you. But the situation here is unclear.
You're both worried about money. He works overtime. It's unclear whether you're underselling yourself due to previous bad experiences, or whether higher paid job would mean a genuine major decline in quality of life.
Also, there seems to be a lot of housework for just the two of you! How on Earth will you manage with kids?
You need to discuss an equitable split. If you get a higher paid job so he can work less, he should do chores. But you both have to agree on standards. How much did he do before all this overtime?

Happiness is important, but you are an adult and life is expensive. If you want luxuries like an expensive wedding (instead of just going to the register office) well then someone has to pay for it.

OP, I hope you won’t even consider giving up the job you love. Especially when you do all the household management. I wouldn’t plan my future with a man who wanted me to take a job just for more money, when you’re not desperate.

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

Assume you've pointed this out, firmly. What was his response? That will be telling, as I imagine he claims he'll 'help' you more (in a home he is equally responsible for but letting you do all the work there) if you find a job that pays more, but that's doubtful.

I'd stay where you're happy and make a decent living until that changes.

Tell him you will have a trial with him for 3 months splitting ALL the other duties you listed, and if he sticks to it (lists and timings up on the wall), you will consider looking for another job.

You both work full time.

He does NOTHING domestically.

And now he wants you to do even more.

You’d be mad to marry this prince amongst men.

This won’t work out. He’s only going to push more and more onto you

who the fuck does he think he is telling you to leave a job you’re good at and love, especially when he will have known just how badly your previous employer situation affected you.

tell him you will stick to what makes you happy, and btw, he needs to do more for the household. You’re not his skivvy.

I know LTB gets used a lot but I would honestly reconsider marrying someone if this is really how they felt about my work life balance / happiness etc.
I am in the exact same job situation as you, including salary. My husband earns more than double my income. We had the conversation once about me looking for a job with a higher salary. (I actually couldn't earn a significant amount more without moving careers or retraining) I explained that to me, being happy in my job is more important than taking home a few extra thousand pounds a year. He understands, but he does feel it's more pressure on him - but I would be happy to go without, budget more etc - he wouldn't, so he does work hard in his career to earn more so we can have security and holidays. I also have told him when he was in a job he hated that I'd be happy for him to take a pay cut if it meant he was in a job he was happy with, it really is a core principle for me and he accepts that.
That being said; neither of you are on really low incomes, so maybe you actually need to look at your expenses if you're both under that amount of pressure financially.
Also, I don't know if you have plans to have any children in the future, but 1. his attitude doesn't bode well for when you could potentially be earning very little on maternity leave etc. but 2. I actually found my small, caring, flexible company to be totally invaluable when I went back to work but needed to be able to take days off to look after a sick baby out of nursery etc. No one was judgemental or complained, they were all supportive.
I can't even get into the fact that you seem to do everything around the house for him and he still wants to complain. My husband works more hours than me and we split things much more evenly than that.

I would tell him to jog on tbh. He doesn't have to work overtime. That is a choice he is making. You are happy in your job and on a fairly decent wage. You earn collectively more then enough money for 2 people.

As long as you are living within your means and not sponging off him then crack on. Equally, he is free to leave the relationship if he finds your lack of career ambition unattractive.

I really wouldn't get into the pattern of being his unpaid housekeeper. It's demeaning, he doesn't value it and at some point if you find yourself working longer hours or your circumstances change in another way he might not step up.

Let's break this down:

He does ALL the overtime? So has less time and opportunity to do house chores as well.

Said extra income is for the wedding: again what sort of wedding? Something low key reasonable? Or is the OP going all out?

The car is on its way out? Has this been put to the other half like oh my car is on its way out, to which he likely reacted like I can't physically earn more or do more than I am? I'm paying towards the wedding and existing debt if your car is about to go then you'll have to earn more or do something?

What do you what him to do OP magic some extra cash from somewhere to pre empt pay for your car? Other than you earning more or making your finances work I don't see what else he could have said?

Could he stop overtime? Or get a job that's less stressful and less pay? Would you still manage fine with your financial goals?