For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

[daisyviolet]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 10 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument about him wanting me to quit my job to find something better. I earn 30k in a job that I love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are super nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; I'm not just another number.

My DP earns around 40k but probably earns closer to 50k with all the overtime he does. He thinks it's unfair that he works so much overtime when I could leave my company and find a job that pays me more, but I'd enjoy less.

We're trying to save for a wedding and pay off some debt from some recent work we had to have done on the house. I also think my car is on its last legs and I'm panicking about that. We're both feeling the strain money-wise. I feel guilty that he's doing all this overtime to help us save, but equally I don't want to leave my job and lovely colleagues for a workplace I could be absolutely miserable in. My last workplace was horrendous and I think I'm still traumatised from it!

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

AIBU?

In your position, this is what I'd do.

Say to him, OK I appreciate what you're saying. You earn circa 20k more than me for the overtime you do.
That overtime is equated to in the time I spend cleaning and cooking each week.

I do,
4? Loads of washing, drying and folding each week. That would equate to maybe 2 hours?
General cleaning 5 hours?
Cooking and tidying after one hour a day? 7 hours?
Picking up the shopping and putting it away? An hour?

I make that 15 hours? A cleaner would do those things in my area £20 ph 20x 15=300 x 52=15600.

That's the price of the services you don't need to pay, yearly for you keeping you £30k job.

Seems a bit more equal now doesn't it? Would he want you to change your job for a real terms difference of £4400 gain a year?

This

A job you love is so important. You spend some much time at work, don’t spend all that time doing something you dislike.

A partner should be happy for you that you have this, not see you as a cash cow to make as much money as possible from.

On top of all that, you’re doing all the domestic labour. I’m not quite sure why! If you add together the time you spend at work and at on domestic work, I bet you spend more hours working than he does. Even if not, it’s not a competition to each be more over worked than the other.

Oh - I’d be reconsidering marrying this man.

Dh I can see you want me to get a job that pays better. Have you considered that I do everything around the house? If I get a job that pays more, you will have to do half of the housework, you should be doing more than you are anyway. If you don’t step up and do that, no nagging no sulking, no weaponised incompetence, then I will end the relationship as a man who wants his wife to bring in money just like he does but also to do everything else for him isn’t worth it. I suggest you cook dinner tonight, tidy up and do a load of washing and think very carefully about what you and I each bring to the relationship and if we value that in each other or if you actually expect a lot from me but don’t value it at all.

This doesn't sound like a good place for a marriage to blossom.

Marriage is about sharing things. He probably needs to work less at work and more at home perhaps rather than blaming everything on your unequal salaries.

He seems kinda jealous of your happiness,
Isn't this job better especially if you have kids in the future?

The more I think about it, the more I think he is trying to control your life. Do you want to be controlled? Of course you don’t, but sadly, so very many people do end up being controlled by their partners. It starts out Ok, but gradually, they eat at your very being, dictating what you can and can’t do.
Now, I may get have that totally wrong, and your partner isn’t a control freak, but from where I’m sitting, his attitude towards you doesn’t bode too well. Be very careful. Think hard before committing to marriage with him - get all those differences sorted out first, and do not change a job you love (and which pays reasonably well) just to suit his ill- conceived notion that you aren’t pulling your weight.

Ignore “get” where I say “get have”, in the second paragraph - it shouldn’t be there.

OP and her DP have debt but are trying to save for a wedding. She's panicking about her car giving out. You really think it strange that the suggested solution to money issues is to... earn more? How? Why?

So many PP are outraged that he is prioritising 'money over happiness' but fail to realise that the OP is also unhappy about the lack of money. This isn't the 'usual' situation where the man just doesn't want to share.

OP needs to stop burying her head in the sand and make an active choice. Keep the job, scale down their expectations as a couple. No wedding, no car. Or, accept that she needs to earn more.

Both options require him to do housework but really. That is not the main issue. Doing his share just gives them both more free time to sit around. It's not going to ease their financial pressures.

I took a job which I felt would make me happy, in preference to one's that paid more, (I had more than one offer). I loved it there, and the atmosphere was much as you've described the one where you work OP. Then, I was hit by severe illness, the other jobs, had I taken either of them, were a totally different type of employer, and would have found a way to get rid of me within a relatively short time, as I'd only been there 18 months. This company, immediately gave me private health care, which I wasn't entitled to for another 6 months, because they wanted me back. Unfortunately my illness proved to be long term, and life affecting. I hadn't realised at the time, but I was also covered by the company's Long Term Sickness policy, and was paid almost my full wages for another 20 years!! Leaving a job where you're treated well AND enjoy the work, would be a HUGE mistake in my opinion!

I also wouldn't be marrying such a selfish, controlling piece of work as your fiance! Bin him off and find someone who cares about YOUR wellbeing, as well as their own.

Yep

ugh please don’t have kids with this person, this will only get worse
bottom line is that he measures everything in pounds and pence and you don’t

Why would you choose to marry him?
Would he expect to be able to keep you if you were both earning the same?
Why would you be with a man not able to do housework?
You are actively making these choices and it is hard to understand your reasons.

Sounds like they’re trying to pay off debt and save for a wedding st thr same time…or in other words life a life they cant afford.

In the absence of kids or desperate financial need, I think he works overtime because he is either not very efficient or he enjoys people thinking he does loads of work.

Stick to the job you enjoy. He should be happy so long as you're happy. Right?

And it seems that OP's DP is the only one that realises this!
Really interested in knowing who the main driver for the big wedding is.

Seems a bit sad that he isn’t keen for you to stay where you’re happy. Maybe money stress is getting in the way of those feelings, but if they’re just not there I’d be a bit worried. How would you feel if roles were reversed?

I couldn’t marry a man who treated me like their mother expecting me to do everything for him at home and had so little respect for that effort on top of working a FT job that he demanded I look for another one.

I am the higher earner in our house (100k+ vs 45k). I largely WFH in a senior corporate role (lots of mental load but generally 8-6 Mon to Fri) whilst DH is a driver of hazardous loads, which is a physically and mentally demanding job, with 12-14 hour days during the week being the norm. He could earn more at other companies but he enjoys the people he works with and, as someone who will not take any sh@t and has walked out of a number of jobs over the years when someone/something has annoyed him, I know how much job satisfaction means to him. I wouldn’t dream of telling him he needed to get another job.

We both split house work, caring for our dogs etc (no kids) and most importantly are a partnership. So if money is tight (and it has been at times during our 13 years together) we sit down and talk and figure out a plan that we both are happy with. For you, it might be pushing back the wedding by another year or even, god forbid, him exploring other job options himself?!

If he is prepared to behave this way when you aren’t even married and do not have kids, I think you do need to consider if this is the person you want to commit to spending the rest of your life with. Where will your wants, your feelings, your dreams, your happiness rank when there are kids in the picture?

edit - typos

Yes, it seems like a dumpster fire.
The OP seems desperate to be married and have a big wedding, regardless of the partner (despite what MN insists, most women expect to be put first) and the cost of the wedding.

Make a list of all the unpaid drudgework you do around the house. Put it to him that maybe you could get a different job, with the same overtime "opportunities" that he has, and ask him which household tasks he would like to take over to free you up to do that overtime. And will he do those tasks as well as his overtime, or will he give up some of his financially rewarding work to do the ironing and scrub the bathroom? Maybe suggest a months trial where you have a few hours off every day from being a domestic worker to knuckle down and look at jobs, while he cleans the oven and whatnot.

I would also think long and hard about marrying a guy who lets his partner do all the gruntwork and then whinges that she's not earning enough.

Ooh, on second thought, suggest that he pays you to do the housework - does that even out the earnings?

Yet another man who thinks you are a housemaid. Why are you marrying him. I despair I really do.
If that was me he d be dumped unless he did half. I have no time for men like this. I'm not a servant.

Where did she say that?

It is supposition on very shaky ground. But I do find it bizarre that she, or any woman, would marry him.