For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

[daisyviolet]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 10 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument about him wanting me to quit my job to find something better. I earn 30k in a job that I love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are super nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; I'm not just another number.

My DP earns around 40k but probably earns closer to 50k with all the overtime he does. He thinks it's unfair that he works so much overtime when I could leave my company and find a job that pays me more, but I'd enjoy less.

We're trying to save for a wedding and pay off some debt from some recent work we had to have done on the house. I also think my car is on its last legs and I'm panicking about that. We're both feeling the strain money-wise. I feel guilty that he's doing all this overtime to help us save, but equally I don't want to leave my job and lovely colleagues for a workplace I could be absolutely miserable in. My last workplace was horrendous and I think I'm still traumatised from it!

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

AIBU?

You should have plenty to live on between you - or is it that one or both of you want bigger and better for everything (cars, houses, holidays et )?? How’s your life going to be with both of you working all hours of the day and night - him with his overtime, you with your full time job and all the household tasks oh and childcare if you choose to have them?

Is this really what you want for your life? Someone who would rather you quit a job you love and find fulfilling for more stuff, and is also happy to do fuck all around the house?

I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

Why?

I don’t understand how 2 of you are arguing about money when you earn £70k between you!

You are very well off.

If you can’t afford your lifestyle then cut back.

If you can’t afford to buy a home in a specific area, then change areas.

If his job is too stressful then he needs to get another one but you should not give up one that you like when you are getting £30k for it which is a very good salary.

Whats the point on going for a worse job just for slightly more money, when it sounds like you’ll both end up living beyond your means again.

Sorry should he do overtime on his overtime? If what he is doing is only covering the debt and wedding costs how do you expect him to have a stash ready for your car?

Has he told you to change jobs because you've highlighted the potential car issue or he is maybe fed up of being the only one doing overtime but to pay for joint ventures? More context please?

Cut back on your expenditure keep the wedding within your means and all should resolve itself?

Why don't you get a second job? And split chores 50/50 win win

Leave him. Run for the hills. If you try to build a future with someone who thinks they're above "menial" household tasks, which are some lesser being's problem (yours, to be precise), then misery awaits, I'm afraid.

It doesn't matter whether he earns £50k or £150k, he's not a goer if he can't be arsed to clean a toilet or cook a meal.

He wants you to be stressed in a new job and stressed at home doing all the housework and cooking.

In short, he’s a cunt.

If he were serious about you earning more money he’d do his half of housework to put you in a better state of mind of taking in higher paid work.

What a lazy twat he is.

I would advise you not to leave your lovely job. I have worked in some very toxic environments which paid very well, but it’s not worth it. The impact of a bad job/horrible boss etc. is so bad for mental wellbeing. If I had my time again I would never have left a job for money (I had a job like the one you have now) Jobs like that are quite hard to find.

He's thinking about it backwards. He should stop doing overtime and do equal hours to you. Both of you then cut your financial cloth accordingly.

Resentment will kill the marriage, fight it

And who made him your boss? It's not for him to dictate to you in your own career choices.

1. If you've a job you love, stay there, do not leave. More money is not worth the stress/toxicity of a shitty employer/manager.
2. A man who wants his fiancee to risk her mental health by working in a company she is unhappy in, is not a man she should marry.
3. A man who does nothing around the home is not a man you should marry.
4. A man who thinks he is in charge and calls the shots and argues with you when you don't do as you're told, is not a man you should marry.
5. This type of man, and lets face it, we've seen plenty here on MN, is exactly the type of man who will expect you to pay 50% of all bills and mortgage whilst you're earning statutory maternity pay. Then force you back to work early when your baby is still little because you need to get back to work to earn more money.
6. And when you go back to work, he'll expect YOU to pay for all of the childcare fees, so you'll effectively be working to pay the childcare bill, then he'll sulk that you're not able to afford to pay the mortgage and bills and expect you to use your savings to do so.
7. This man will leave all parenting to you.

Please do not marry this man, please do not have children with this man. Take it from those of us a little older and wiser (to these types of men), he's not a good one to be married to. Your future with him, married with children will not be a happy one. You will be worn out.

I hope when you come back to the thread, it's to say you're reconsidering your relationship.

He barely earns any different than you!!!

After tax, NI and possibly student loans, it amounts to a few hundred quid extra. Hardly worth getting fussed about!

At one point I was earning triple what my partner was earning (£25k / £75k) and I gave zero shits!

Tell him to get stuffed. You’re happy where you are. If he wants a high earner for a wife he can go find one.

Also - sod the expensive wedding. Have a wedding you can comfortably afford- it’s literally one day! Not worth stressing and it causing difficulties between you as a couple!

Don't leave your job. Your decision not his. If moneys that bad you'd do better picking up some bar work, dog walking , freelance whatever you can do.

Op when you have children, the generous holiday and flexibility is priceless. Worth more the the money he brings in.

Having a job you love is priceless.

He is BVU.

The OP will be back in 5 years ranting about how exhausted she is working full time whilst still doing all the domestic drudgery and all the parenting to a child her husband whinges about having to help pay nursery fees for.

Sounds like a divorce waiting to happen and their not even married yet.

OP;Unless you can bridge these gaps before your married then you're in for a miserable life.

This. If my DH had ever said this, I would have said this to him, loud and clear.

Unless you are self employed, everyone "is just a number" at work & circumstances can change

Nevertheless you enjoy your job, so it is worth you staying there. This is your decision to make, not his !

Over time is never guaranteed & this could stop at any time & this extra money should not be heavily relied upon

Buy a cheap old banger car out right with cash, the insurance is also cheaper on cars that are over 20 years old

In 10 years why has he not done any house work ?

Good luck

You need a serious talk about long term goals.

Will he ba happy to live to your standard? How will a joint home be owned and paid for? If you have a baby woll je expect you back at work full time straight away? What are his expectations for maternity leave and domestic chores split.

I get that you love him but actual compatibility and shared life goals are so important or else all you are doing is settling and kicking the break up/resentment down the road.

So, if you were to marry him, have kids and become a SAHM or work part time, would he still consider it unfair? Because that's where the real salary inequity comes in. That's when your salary will drop and his will continue to rise. And before you know it, you'll be working your backside off looking after kids and working part time and be earning a 1/3 of his salary pro rata. If you suffer from anxiety or depression, you might not suit a more challenging role. That would impact on your relationship. If I were going to marry a man and potentially start a family with him, I would want to be clear about all these issues in advance.

so 70-80k household income, not rich but not on the poverty line.
Your DH needs to realise that it may not look it but you are not doing too bad and chasing the big bucks may not give you happiness. Also not as if you have a PT job you bring in a good amount

It's so hard to find a job you love OP, don't give it for a gold pig!
You'll spend more time with your colleagues than your DO so having nice ones is so important.

I think it the fact your saving hard to pay for a wedding and clear debt but there’s only him making an extra effort to get more money to enable that

tbh I’d be pissed off working overtime to clear debt and the other person makes no effort

You again.

No effort? She works full time.

He wants her to quit the job she loves to pull a much more lucrative job out of her arse. 😵‍💫

Your salary is below average for a full time worker in the UK, but there is more to life than money and it sounds like you're above average happy in your job.

Are there opportunities for advancement where you are? If you're enjoying it so much I bet you're performing well. Not necessarily for your boyfriend's sake, but for your own, too, it would be great to think about how you can increase your earning power in the coming years.

You aren't acting as a team here and I think his attitude towards raising that stinks, but it is important to have shared values around finances and goals.

Could you take a step back from it, and have a higher level conversation about money. What do you need to bring in as a household for you to feel comfortable? Can you agree on that, and the reasons for wanting whatever sum of money that is? Then, how can you each do your bit, which doesn't need to mean each doing exactly the same thing. It just needs to feel like everyone is pulling the weight they can bear to pull. That includes discussions not just about money but about domestic chores, to be clear.

If you take a higher paid job, it’s quite likely you’ll pay a far larger chunk of tax than you do now, plus higher NI contributions - so ask yourself if the pair of you would be really much better off financially than you are now? Your existing joint income of 70K (80K with his overtime) for 2 of you without children is a lot of money - many couples, with children, are managing on far less.
Sit down together and discuss your finances and workload. Are there things you could cut down on or cut our altogether to bring costs down, for example? He also needs to take more of a share in the household tasks - he certainly would have them to do if you were to up and leave, for example.
Think very carefully before giving up a job you obviously enjoy. You might find a higher paid job, but if it ends up making you unhappy and potentially ill, it really isn’t worth it.
His attitude is something which would concern me, OP.

I think I’d find another DP rather than a new job!