For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

[daisyviolet]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 10 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument about him wanting me to quit my job to find something better. I earn 30k in a job that I love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are super nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; I'm not just another number.

My DP earns around 40k but probably earns closer to 50k with all the overtime he does. He thinks it's unfair that he works so much overtime when I could leave my company and find a job that pays me more, but I'd enjoy less.

We're trying to save for a wedding and pay off some debt from some recent work we had to have done on the house. I also think my car is on its last legs and I'm panicking about that. We're both feeling the strain money-wise. I feel guilty that he's doing all this overtime to help us save, but equally I don't want to leave my job and lovely colleagues for a workplace I could be absolutely miserable in. My last workplace was horrendous and I think I'm still traumatised from it!

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

AIBU?

In general I’d say his attitude stinks except, it sounds like you are happily spending more than you’re prepared to contribute. And that isn’t reasonable either. If your DH needs to be doing this overtime in order for you two to have the lifestyle you currently do - and you haven’t been saying “No, lets spend less and have more time together” - then I think he has a point, though I don’t necessarily think the solution is for you to get a new job.

Being happy is worth so much more than the money. So much. I’ve recently changed jobs and just hate it. Feel sick waking up, feel sick going to bed. Fucking awful. Stay there forever on 30k if you’re happy. Especially if you’re thinking of starting a family. You’ll want a supportive company and colleagues if you’re off on Mat leave and intend to go part-time one day.

Your job ticks so much boxes and that is very hard to find. Your salary is OK. I would be looking for a new boyfriend not a new job. Everything doesn't have to be exactly financially equal. Can you actually get a much better paid job ? Like if you are an accountant then possibly but more generic admin ? Possibly not with all those benefits

Here are a couple of options for him to consider:

1. Everyone remains where they are and you have a small wedding at the town hall.
2. You pick up more overtime, he drops some hours and takes on 100% of household chores (then you can see what he thinks about fairness and equality)

I wouldn't marry this bloke, personally.

Unless he's willing to do half of all the other jobs you do, tell him that if you change your job, you'll need to employ a cleaner, a dog walker, send the washing to a laundry and buy more ready meals / takeaways.

He wants you to be unhappy because it’s not fair he earns more?

Do not marry this man.

He has no awareness, let alone appreciation, of ALL. the domestic load you carry? Whereas you do appreciate the overtime he works?

Do not marry this man.

This will be an unhappy and unequal marriage.

Your partner is feeling the strain working all the overtime.
Is there a middle ground where you could reduce outgoings? Smaller wedding, spread debt repayments out more

Red flags here op. Marry him if you must (I wouldn’t), but don’t have kids with him, I beg you. His attitude to money/splitting bills/housework/and no doubt child care, will get worse not better… Sorry.

This. He wants a housemaid AND an earner, guess what he'll want if you have kids - you to do all that too.

The last paragraph sounds like he has done a number on you already - 'if it makes any difference' - how is there any argument that it doesn't make a difference? Total contribution matters - if he can't see anything other than the financial you have bigger problems than just this argument

Well, I know you don’t have a Time Machine about the work done on the house - but was that really essential?

I think the answer here is that he stops doing so much overtime, then you both agree to a lower cost wedding, and don’t get into debt for non-essential home improvements - if that’s what they were.

I think I’d resent working overtime to pay for joint costs, in a way that I wouldn’t resent paying more from having a higher basic salary.

I wouldn’t marry any time soon. Not because I think he’s in the wrong (I don’t know) but because no matter who is right, wrong - or just different opinions - this is a big deal, having such different feelings about finances. You need to work that out (if you can) before you marry, because it will only get worse.

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).
You’re doing all this graft for free, benefiting you both. He does his graft for money, some of which benefits you both (house reno – though are contributions ringfenced with a declaration of trust? – wedding), but some benefits solely him, eg pension contribution, future earning potential. Nice setup – for him. What does he bring to the party aside from domestic laziness and bossing you about your career choices?

How many hours overtime is he actually working each week?

There are 4 options imo:

• Find a higher paid job, he does more around the house

*Find a higher paid job, the difference pays for a dog walker, cleaner, ironing service etc

*Cut back on outgoings, like a less expensive wedding and keep the current job

• Ditch the bf, keep the job, adjust living standards accordingly

I've mixed feelings on this one.

It's difficult being in a relationship when you appear to be the one putting in all the financial effort.

Does he love his job and doing overtime and enjoy all of the same benefits as you- super flexible, good annual leave, super nice colleagues and no pressure and toxicity?

I suspect not but his desire to reduce the debt and built the savings outweigh his selectiveness levels. very few people have jobs that they are 100% happy with and most have to compromise in some way.

If you can't increase your income, is there way you can reduce your costs?

Have you had the conversation about how finances will be married when you have children?

I agree with this.

Please do not have children with this man.
You will end up doing all the thankless drudge work, all the childcare, carrying all the mental load while he complains about how tired he is from his big-important-man-job and expects you to justify every penny you spend while you're on maternity leave.

I would be willing to bet that even if you cave and leave the job that you love (please don't do this!) for one that pays more, therefore taking on more responsibility and longer hours, he will still expect you to do the lions share at home.

Totally this. It'll be 'AIBU to expect my DH to hold our baby once in awhile as I haven't stopped since giving birth. He says the baby and all household chores are my responsibility as he earns more. He needs to be well rested for his Very Important Job whilst I haven't had more than 3 hours straight sleep in months'.

Seriously though, I have a feeling you both need to budget better to live within your means instead of making yourselves unhappy trying to earn more and more money.

I don't think yabu to not want to leave your job that you're happy in. Youre not on a bad wage and it is important to be happy at work.
That said in your DPs situation I would rather do more of the jobs around the house and less overtime. How many hours does your dp work? Was he more involved with sharing responsibility before he was doing so much overtime.
How long is he out of the house for ?
Go you think he is being lazy or genuinely hasn't got time to do much more because of the overtime

I would not let him hound me to leave a job I loved no matter how hard he tried.

I'm afraid this would draw a big, fat "bugger off" from me. If he continued to push it I'd also reconsider the idea of marrying him.

My husband earns double what I do. At the beginning of our careers, I earned more but once he passed his exams and started being promoted he quickly out earned me. Everything has always been equal, regardless of who was earning more. I have always had the more flexible job and DH recognises that whilst I have the lower wage, the flexibility of my job is invaluable. I’m usually the one to leave early if needed, the one to take a half day at short notice, the one to be around for the plumber or to take the dog to the vets. Obviously two people with inflexible jobs can cope but it’s harder.

If you are hoping to have kids, then flexibility is great. However, I think that flexibility will come back to bite you if you have kids because you will be the one always taking leave when they’re sick or have a school play. You will be the default parent and you’ll be doing all the housework and all childcare. Increasing your earning potential might be the only way to balance things between you but I’d be wary of getting a better paid job, more responsibility, less flexibility and still doing all the housework.

In your position, I would be rethinking marrying and having children with this man.

Bonkers, isn't it?

Do you feel happy being in a relationship where your partner thinks you should do all the domestic work? And where he values a few hundred pounds a month more than your happiness?

I would run. You have time to meet someone generous and caring. If you settle with him, I can feel you'll regret it.

No way, he is being totally unreasonable OP! If he wants to do the overtime then let him crack on, but he should no way be trying to force you to leave a job you love! Stand your ground!

The only way he'd have an argument here over the job/money thing, is if your spending choices are at £40-£50k type wage and you're essentially spending the money he earns working overtime.

But if you spend your £30k and he spends his £50k then he can fuck off cant he.

Also - why on Earth do you do all he cleaning op? Is it a discussion you've had that he does eg 10 hours OT and in return you do 10 hoots cleaning? If so, kind of fair. But, if you would be doing all the cleaning regardless, well he can fuck off cant he.

It's possibly quite a good thing you've posted on MN before getting married and having dc op. My spider senses are that he's a wrong un.