For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

[daisyviolet]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 10 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument about him wanting me to quit my job to find something better. I earn 30k in a job that I love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are super nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; I'm not just another number.

My DP earns around 40k but probably earns closer to 50k with all the overtime he does. He thinks it's unfair that he works so much overtime when I could leave my company and find a job that pays me more, but I'd enjoy less.

We're trying to save for a wedding and pay off some debt from some recent work we had to have done on the house. I also think my car is on its last legs and I'm panicking about that. We're both feeling the strain money-wise. I feel guilty that he's doing all this overtime to help us save, but equally I don't want to leave my job and lovely colleagues for a workplace I could be absolutely miserable in. My last workplace was horrendous and I think I'm still traumatised from it!

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

AIBU?

Crikey OP. Eight pages and you haven’t come back so I doubt you'll read this but:

Do you really, really want to marry someone that controlling? You work full time and do all the domestic stuff and he thinks just because he earns more he’s somehow superior?

You love your job. That’s not something that happens to everyone. Think long and hard before you marry this person. And don’t quit your job.

When I was a 20 year old man, I thought relationships would not be that hard. Places like MN told me that most men were useless and even basic considerations, working hard, being emotionally aware and doing housework would make me a well regarded and appreciated partner.
Of course, it takes a lot more than that. But this man has been in one serious relationship and has not moved on from that stage and has regressed if anything it seems.

Tell him to sod off..
DH is not the boss of you.

Why are you doing all of this ?
I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc

Dont marry like this to be the domestic slave

Sorry for taking a while to come back to this. We had another argument this morning about this - maybe rather unwisely, I sent him a link to this thread. His head exploded. He has now posted an AIBU from his own perspective (but he claims he does 20% of housework and DIY). Interesting to see the shift in responses on his thread - I'm being called a cocklodger!

Thanks for coming back to update OP - can you please link us to his thread?

Either way this is ringing alarm bells when it comes to marriage.

If your going to have kids who is going to take time off… because if it’s you having a lovely close knit workplace to come back to / flexibility available will be super important.. Also he will need to understand that if you’re doing childcare and not pulling in as much money that’s your contribution. Just like your contributing more in terms of household labour. Sit down and talk through .. I’ve known couples split post babies due similar you need to be on the same page.

Being in a job you like and enjoy is very important, and £30k salary isn’t bad. Stay where you are and if push comes to shove maybe do an evening job say twice a week to bring in a little more money, especially if he’s doing overtime and not around.

If you needed another illustration of a man who doesn’t understand what “fair” means this is it…

his response to what you’re telling him (and what this thread tells him) is not to question his own views, values or re-evaluate his position. Instead it is to start his own thread so he can get people on his ‘side’ and justify his resentment and childish behaviour while continuing to make you feel bad.

This kind of tit for tat is no basis on which to build a life with someone. Fair and equal across decades of marriage and the challenges of child rearing and life is not earning the same amount, going out for the same number of hours a week, having the same number of friends etc. it is making sure you both have what you need to help you live your best lives and being able to give/take and support each other through good and bad times.

This man is not a keeper. He has shown you who he is. Just believe and move on.

I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

Ffs another one. Whats his thread called?

A partner should support you in your choices. Obviously we all need money to live, but job satisfaction and personal happiness are also important. (In my view, more so, within reason).

Financial "needs" vary from person to person, couple to couple. Beyond the bills we HAVE to pay, everyone makes choices on how to spend the rest of their income and place value on different things - secondhand v new, luxury or basic, holidays or not, new clothes or make do, gym membership or run the streets.

There's no right or wrong but as a couple you need some agreement over what you want your money to do for you. Looking closely at your spending and seeing where you can make savings is another way to do things, rather than insisting your partner sacrifices their well being to get a higher paid job.

My DH has always run his own business. At one time his income was little to nothing for a while. It's never been an amazing amount. But it has kept him and his partners (family members) going. We discussed other career choices for him when it was at a low point, but I'd never push him to change career against his will.

If your partner is unreasonable over this (as it sounds), maybe it's him you should be re- thinking about, not your job.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4999590-for-asking-my-partner-to-consider-changing-jobs-to-allow-me-to-work-less?page=1

Well every story has two sides.
You believe the OP 100% when she says she does 'everything'.
He claims he also does a lot of DIY as work on the house is still ongoing.
Now men usually underestimate the amount of housework that they do. But it's also more usual for them to do the DIY. It won't be a lot for a house in good condition, but for a house that's a work in progress - not inconceivable that it takes up a lot of time!

We don't know who's right. But the fact that they can't listen to each other and are seeking validation from internet strangers means this partnership is doomed.

Thanks to BOTH of them. Not just him.

BTW if my husband showed me a thread from random internet strangers to support his opinion I'd just laugh at him. MN isn't reddit but so many threads on here are bonkers.

I believe OP when she says that, as a childless unmarried couple, her DP still thinks it’s his prerogative to weigh in on her job choices to the extent that she feels guilty and unreasonable for staying in a role which makes her happy rather than prioritising a bigger income.

I don’t think the rest of it is really that relevant tbh. He is showing his attitude - it stinks - she should get rid of him and find someone whose values are more aligned with her own (as should he).

I'd think long and hard about marrying him! He sounds like a control freak to me. If you love the job you're in now and happy with the wages, hours etc. then stay exactly where you are! Don't go into another job where they could be toxic etc.

If he's got such an opinion now, what would be be like at or after the wedding?

Call off the entire engagement, wedding etc. thrown his ring in his face, and kick him out of your life altogether. He's a sexist chauvinistic monster who thinks he has the right to control women.

Tell him to go back to his crayons and play dough!

Stay in your job and pay half of everything so he doesn’t have to subside your choice
none of this he earns more so pays a
higher %
50/50 all fair

This is the only question that needs asking.

That thread would be the final straw for me oh he posted it. He’s utterly pathetic!

However it’s even more pathetic if you posted it.

How bloody childish either way!!

Of course it's relevant!
MN is always bleating about how couples should share finances completely. By extension the source of said finances, i.e. jobs, also becomes shared business.

The OP wants her 'happy little job' instead of prioritising a bigger income. OK. But she/they haven't scaled their financial goals down to meet this. They took on debt yet are trying to save for a wedding. OP wants a new car soon. Can you genuinely not see the inconsistency?

The housework is getting people's backs up. But it's not going to solve the problem. Even if the DP does less overtime and more housework. They're still not going to have enough money.

If you want to prioritise happiness over money then your financial decisions should reflect that. This halfway house is not only immature it's also unsustainable.
The key point here is. WHO is the financial driver of all these decisions. If it's the OP then it's not unreasonable for him to suggest that she makes more money. If it's him, then he's being very very U.

FYI I think this relationship is doomed because neither of them are mature enough to communicate or plan financially. But, I strongly disagree with everyone saying he has 'no right to comment' and that it's all his fault, LTB while ignoring the fact that the OP also wants more money. It would be different if the man was the higher earner but just didn't want to share as we see so often on here.

MN is sadly incapable of nuanced thinking. Especially when it comes to men.

TBH @daisyviolet you should be glad he has shown you this side of him before you got married or had children.

Someone who loves you would not be asking you to do this. Your salary is reasonable and you work FT. Can you imagine how his head would really explode if you wanted to work PT in future, or take extended maternity leave? Have you asked him? He is responsible for his happiness at work, and you are responsible for yours.

I would probably be re - evaluating the whole relationship in your shoes.

@CountryGirl89 100% agree that the relationship is not mature enough to weather what life throws.

But they are in this situation on the basis of known quantities (her earnings and his earnings, her job and his job, her facilitating their pet ownership etc). It is therefore unreasonable of him to guilt and pressure her into now trying to change jobs for a notional pay increase, and even more unreasonable of him to simply double down in his position when she indicates that many others agree he is being unreasonable.

If he wants to work less hours and the result is they have a more frugal lifestyle he should absolutely be able to do so without her laying guilt on him for that. But this isn’t about the ins and outs - it’s about a clearly incompatible set of values and OP avoiding being with someone who is happy to use their earning power as a way of aggressively diminishing OP’s contribution and values.

If we were OP’s BFFs I’m sure we’d have a much longer and more nuanced conversation with her, and I’m sure her partner has his good qualities. But what he is showing (from both her thread and his own) is a seriously immature attitude at best and, at worst, one which could lead to a lifetime of OP feeling unsupported and not good enough. My unnuanced view, is that it’s not a risk worth taking.

Do nor change jobs! Not while you're happy. It's so rare to be really happy in a job, and so important. It's a large part of your life.

If I'm honest, I would be worried about you marrying him. He seems very controlling

would you send us a link to his thread?