For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

[daisyviolet]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 10 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument about him wanting me to quit my job to find something better. I earn 30k in a job that I love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are super nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; I'm not just another number.

My DP earns around 40k but probably earns closer to 50k with all the overtime he does. He thinks it's unfair that he works so much overtime when I could leave my company and find a job that pays me more, but I'd enjoy less.

We're trying to save for a wedding and pay off some debt from some recent work we had to have done on the house. I also think my car is on its last legs and I'm panicking about that. We're both feeling the strain money-wise. I feel guilty that he's doing all this overtime to help us save, but equally I don't want to leave my job and lovely colleagues for a workplace I could be absolutely miserable in. My last workplace was horrendous and I think I'm still traumatised from it!

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

AIBU?

I work for a similarly set up job. My colleagues are mint, the MD has become a friend, very flexible, no toxicity and I enjoy going to work. I also make similar money. If my husband said I need to get another job I’d hand him the divorce papers. I spent too many years stressed, depressed, demotivated and shat on by toxic colleagues to ever deal with any of that crap again. YANBU but your DH is being an AH.

I would be very concerned he is behaving like this (not contributing at home and pressuring you about your job) and not even married yet….

Suggest putting breaks on, if you are at an impasse communication-wise, counselling to explore these issues. Including (if this is something you want) expectations of roles when you have DC.

Also if going ahead, a more intimate wedding on a smaller budget.

We are a family of 4 and on 60k and manage quite well. With this in mind and there only being the 2 of you, why can’t you just cut out some things and go without to make your money go further?
The job thing, it’s so hard to find a job that is rewarding in the way that you enjoy it and it doesn’t feel like a job so you’d be silly to go for more money if ultimately it destroys your soul. 30k is average but you enjoy it and being happy is worth more than money. Money can’t buy that stuff and you shouldn’t feel pressured into finding a job that pays more and could make you feel rotten every day. Nothing worse than having a job you hate and you’d end up resenting your partner. Your partner sounds bloody awful by the way. I wouldn’t be marrying someone with this mindset. You do all the unpaid work and need to find a job that earns more? Get rid of this self centred arse and find someone who’s supportive of you in all areas. You want to marry a cheerleader, not a spineless cabbage. He’s toxic and not someone you want to be married to. He will get worse over time.

Yes, are you a mug?

It will only get worse. You have been forewarned.

Agreed, myself and my hubby are combined on around 40k a year and have a house, 2 kids etc. No holidays and we don't drive and sometimes the weeks are loooong but we manage. Imagine if we had another 40k to play with 😭

Your doing a lot more than him ..unpaid..tell him if he wants to do it then your be happy to think about another job.. I can assure that it won't happen. Seems to stuck in his ways..also you need to start a marriage with equality of everything. Talking is best..if he can't see it then is he the man for you ??

It is hard to find a job you love. From your set up it looks as though if you have children you'll be the primary care giver. If that's occurs having a job you love that is supportive and not a chore will help that balance of children and work. You'll definitely regret a move. Money is not everything. I would instead look at cut backs if he doesn't want to do overtime. Or maybe a little bar job for you, so you can share the burden of extra hours???

Ps if you do a little job he'll have to do more at home though tell him 👍

Right 👌

@daisyviolet cut right back on all the domestic jobs for a month. He stop the ot for a month and pick up the slack.
If it doesn't work out fairly, you keep the job you are doing. If it works, at least look at other jobs.

My favourite comment

We're trying to save for a wedding

I’d stop that immediately.
He values money more than your happiness. And 30k is not a bad wage!

However, I would prioritise clearing debt above everything

I would be questioning the motives of a partner that rowed with me about quitting a job I love and pays pretty well in the scheme of it.
That is all.

Don’t marry him and don’t get pregnant! Really sorry, but if he behaves like this right now ie.

• uninterested in your happiness/wellbeing,
• focused on everything being ‘fair’ (as long as it’s what HE considers fair, which may or may not have any relationship with the reality)
• has no problem telling you what to do/trying to make you feel bad about your perfectly valid life choices/generally guilting you
• is already playing the ‘poor me’ card

I’m afraid it’s not going to get any better. There are so many threads on here which illustrate beautifully where being married to a man child if this kind leads… don’t be a cautionary tale. He sounds like an emotional drain, and that will make everything else you try and want to do 10x harder as long as you’re with him.

Sorry to be brutal but honestly, surely you’d want more for a daughter of yours than to be with a man so unwilling to support her happiness?!

What right has anyone to dictate what job you do especially as it gives you a sense of belonging and enjoy what you do. If it was you suggesting this to him what would his answer be? If money is more important to him than your emotional welfare then I would be seriously delaying the marriage until you find out how equal he sees your relationship. Your only going to set the stage for what you marriage will be if you do not stick to what is making you happy because eventually this will drive a wedge in your relationship. I would certainly say to stop some of his over time and split the household chores between you, you are not his maid or mother. Would it matter much if you exstended the length of time that you are saving and then see if he can actually be a partner and see you as equal in the relationship. Delay! Stay where your happy! Split chores! Delay wedding to see if his attitude changes if not run for the hills! Take care.

He does the overtime and you pick up the slack to allow him to do this.
M good jobs you enjoy are like rocking horse shit. Just because he's unhappy in his job doesn't mean you need to be. I'd take a lower paid job I'm happy I'm over a higher paid one that's stressful or you don't enjoy any day

If you need money you need a better job. If you do work the same hours you need to split chores 50/50

Do not marry him or have kids with him. If he doesn't do any housework now, he definitely won't when you have a baby.

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.

People spend about one-third of their lives at work. One third of your life in a place that you like, doing something you care about, with people who make you happy. Sounds like a win to me, and I would have to question anyone who claimed to love me and wanted me to give that up.

Get married at the registry office, by an old banger and stay in your job, he can do less overtime

Keep the job bit bin him. Next relationship don't be a doormat, from the off split the chores 50/50. He only gets away without doing chores because you have let him.

Keep job
dump man
be happy

A big bone of contention for me is that when I scored an amazing job my husband sulked and did nothing but his asshole brother sent me a card and his mum gave me flowers!
And then my husband wanted to brag to others about my amazing new job ...

Maybe he could get a better job? One where overtime isn't necessary?

Scare the shit out of him and tell him it's your ambition to be a SAHM...

I'd rethink that engagement unless things change PDQ.

This man has no consideration of you or your happiness.

Your situation has alarm bells written all over it, for me. Imagine when he has you tied to him with a child.

The take home difference between 40 and 50k is so minimal it does make one question what the point of excessive overtime is, especially if it is causing this many arguments.

OP, how is the relationship otherwise? Does he treat you as an equal? Does he encourage your dreams? Is he faithful? Does he support you as a person? Does he value the role of a job that you don't wake up dreading?

In this economy, stable employment in a role you love shouldn't be undervalued. Jobs like those are far rarer than men - though perhaps not rarer than a man who would fully support you and encourage you.

I'd really encourage you to listen to the advice here. Finances are very very important to look at when entering a marriage, and if he doesn't see your domestic contribution as one that enables him a pretty sweet life (I would DEFINITELY be happy to do a lot of overtime if I came home to a clean house, meals and my dog walked!) it shows you that he doesn't value you and the work you do both within and without of the home.

Definitely pause the wedding.

I do think it's strange he wants you to leave a job you enjoy just for more money - maybe that is his ambition and he expects to keep moving up the ladder, whereas you are happy where you are? Neither is wrong but he is showing he doesn't understand you.

It's possible you can get another job you love for more money - but if you don't want to move, he shouldn't be pushing it. The only thing with a small company is I'd worry about the impact of maternity leave(s) and returning to the same job / part time. It can be harder for a small company to absorb those changes.

I really wouldn't do so much of the housework etc. He's become used to it and don't notice, so identify at least a few tasks he can take over, and start there.

YANBU to want to keep your job. YABU to be planning on marrying this man. He's already leaving all the housework to you and telling you how to live your life. It will get ten times worse once you're married and if kids are added to the mix.