For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

[daisyviolet]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 10 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument about him wanting me to quit my job to find something better. I earn 30k in a job that I love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are super nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; I'm not just another number.

My DP earns around 40k but probably earns closer to 50k with all the overtime he does. He thinks it's unfair that he works so much overtime when I could leave my company and find a job that pays me more, but I'd enjoy less.

We're trying to save for a wedding and pay off some debt from some recent work we had to have done on the house. I also think my car is on its last legs and I'm panicking about that. We're both feeling the strain money-wise. I feel guilty that he's doing all this overtime to help us save, but equally I don't want to leave my job and lovely colleagues for a workplace I could be absolutely miserable in. My last workplace was horrendous and I think I'm still traumatised from it!

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

AIBU?

Be very very careful about marrying him. My first marriage started out a bit like that, him moaning about my job and trying to make me to quit. It's controlling. And it shows he does not respect you, value your contribution or your happiness. Keep an eye on those red flags, delay the wedding.

For the record, I now earn 3 times my current DH's salary. He loves his job, it's a passion, a reliable and decent salary, and I have never ever asked him to move jobs for more money. It would be different if he were lazy or something but not everyone wants boring long hours corporate jobs just to have nicer car and holidays. And that's normal.

He values money first and foremost, which is understandable if you are saving up. You value the enjoyment you get from your workplace more than money which is again totally understandable.

When I was in my 20s I did anything to earn more money. Worked all the hours under the sun, did crap jobs etc. Now I am older I value time more than money.

There is no right or wrong here. It seems you two have different values. Whether you can reconcile those different values is between the two of you.

Absolutely this.

you are happy in your work.

it does not appear you are happy with his opinions and actions … so please, do not have his kids…RUN!

Keep your job. It looks to me like this attitude is a glimpse into some behaviours of your DP that you have either missed or ignored.

The fact that you are doing all the wife work is really a big problem. He's absolved himself of doing anything around the house now before marriage and kids he is not going to change. This is how he is when life is relatively uncomplicated and easy. So when the going gets tough, you'll be on your own, doing everything for kids and around the house while he himself behind work.

Seriously it is time to hit the pause button on this relationship. He has manoeuvred you (or you have moved yourself) into the position of being his domestic support person with no allowance or acknowledgement of this with regards expectations regarding work outside the home.

You were really unhappy in your previous job but all he sees is you earn less. Be careful, seriously, he cares more for money than your happiness and he lets you be the household dogsbody because unpaid work doesn't count for him. I don't like the sound of him, please have a long hard think about marrying him, a man who only values money will make your life a misery if you're ever long term sick or on maternity leave.

Add up how much you’d spend on cleaner, dog Walker etc and see how much he values what you do then.

You have a combined income of around £80k and your husband thinks you should earn more 😂

Your husband (and potentially you too) needs to get in the real world.

Don't leave your job, it's incredibly hard to find a job you love.

Maybe cut down on spending instead.

A job you enjoy along with the flexibility and good holiday is worth its weight in gold. I wouldn’t give that up, but instead cut down spending where possible. You two make a lot between you.
Have you two discussed children and how finances will work if you have them?

having aligned values with regards to money/work/finances is one of the most important things for a happy marriage.

he sounds very money driven and transactional.

I would maybe do a marriage course and work all these things through before you marry him.

You've not only got a well paying job, it's a job you love.
They're hard to come by, and happiness is just as important.
You'd be mad imo to give that up.

Tell him you'll look gor a better job when he takes on his fair share of the housework, not before. In my opinion enjoying your work us much more important than how much you earn. Who wants to be well off and unhappy.

80k a year, no kids and struggling for money? That sounds crazy

Why do you want to marry this sexist twat?

When you take tax out it's not £80k net! They are on £4.6k net a month. Sounds like they have a lot of outgoings though as doing work on their property and needing to buy a car that would easily eat into that but i do think it should be enough to live on as long as you don't have a huge mortgage for two people.

Unequal partners already..... it's not sounding good at all.

Having a job where you're happy, you're enjoying the work and the people aren't a given as rare as hens teeth so think about that very carefully.

He's focusing on the money, so at best I'd be looking at a smaller wedding or at worst not getting married at all and keeping a close eye on his behaviour.

The best and worst might be the other way round....

Between you, you earn a decent amount without the overtime. So it depends why you need that extra 10k to me. It wouldn't be fair to expect him to work overtime when you won't change jobs yourself if the money is going on holidays/home stuff etc that you want. If most of the money is going on things you would happily do without but that he thinks are essential is different. e.g. "my car is on its last legs" can mean very different things to different people. But I agree just demanding you move jobs is a bit much (would be different if you were part time on a really low paid job but you earn a decent amount). I would say the same if a woman was demanding her husband quit his well paid job he enjoys to do a better paid job he hates. Or pushing them to work overtime.

The weddings the big one. If he stops doing overtime is it possible to just have a much smaller wedding. Would he be happy with that? Would you?

I "love it" how when a woman has an argument with her husband and they are asked to leave him!
We don't really know the full context to making this judgment. When I met my husband i was little money and he kept pushing me to earn more. His motivations was that he felt that i was under selling myself and that i could do better. It wasn't because he was trying to control me but that was my perspective of the situation and felt pressured by him

I'm now on 5 x the salary i was on when i met him nearly 20 years ago and I did it at my own pace. I might of been able to do this quicker but i made my own choices.

Her situation doesn't sound uncommon as i also did the majority of the housework/food shopping/cooking too as he's always earnt more than me. Even now as his wages have increased even faster than mine did.

I think we need to think about being in a relationship as a partnership and that doesn't mean everything being equal and split down the middle. There are no winners here. You both need to find a way to do your share. He's earning over £1000 a month more than you and perhaps he's feeling like all of the extra money and longer hours is going towards bills and he doesn't get to treat himself with that money and he sees the OP not contributing as much. Yes she might be picking up more of the housework but he's also working longer hours and paying more of the bills.

I would have an open conversation with him and perhaps some of the stuff that he is paying for could be put on hold or you could have a cheaper wedding so its not so much financial pressure on him. It's important to see both parties perspectives. I don't think you need to leave your job if you don't want to but i also don't think that he should have to foot all the bill because you can't afford it. This might mean that you tell him that you have to put certain things on hold or not be able to afford holidays etc...

Nonsense, in my house I do most of the domestic work as my wife has a very tough job (I'm a man).

If he did stop the overtime though I would want him to do more housework with you. It could be a win-win for both of you at best or an early warning sign (if he still leaves it to you).

Suggest that for the next 6 months he does his share of ‘home work’ including the dog - then it can be reviewed.

Every time he drops the ball - remind him of this arrangement.

condescending much....

he or she could be a raging alcoholic degenerate with 110k worth of debt being paid off for all you know.. maybe they have big dreams and goals.... maybe they spend £500 a month on nursing home fees for the elderly parents...

Or maybe they spend £1200 a month on rent... who knows.

One thing is - naff all to do with you why 80k isn't enough to achieve their dreams and goals, the post was asking should OP move jobs

But that's not fair if he is also doing lots of overtime. I don't think the fact someone earns more automatically means they get a housework pass. But if someone is working many more hours outside the house (and wants to stop) its not fair to say "you can't stop yet but you need to do more housework".
It makes sense to stop the overtime and then up the housework.

Please don’t marry a man who does zero domestic work when you both have fulltime jobs, and who is already trying to bully you regarding your career choices.

When you are engaged your relationship is the absolute best it will ever be. After you get married the husband takes his wife for granted and, if you have children, you get to see each other at your worst.

And there is very little difference between a salary of £30k and a salery of £40k. He’s acting like he’s the breadwinner. He’s not. He’s just a bigheaded bully.

As to your job - what you have is rare, hold on to it. You can find another entitled bullying boyfriend in 5 minutes but it takes a very long time to find a job that you like.

Stay in the job, it may last longer than the engagement.