For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

[daisyviolet]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 10 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument about him wanting me to quit my job to find something better. I earn 30k in a job that I love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are super nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; I'm not just another number.

My DP earns around 40k but probably earns closer to 50k with all the overtime he does. He thinks it's unfair that he works so much overtime when I could leave my company and find a job that pays me more, but I'd enjoy less.

We're trying to save for a wedding and pay off some debt from some recent work we had to have done on the house. I also think my car is on its last legs and I'm panicking about that. We're both feeling the strain money-wise. I feel guilty that he's doing all this overtime to help us save, but equally I don't want to leave my job and lovely colleagues for a workplace I could be absolutely miserable in. My last workplace was horrendous and I think I'm still traumatised from it!

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week).

AIBU?

having aligned values with regards to money/work/finances is one of the most important things for a happy marriage.

This although add domestic work to that. It doesn't even matter who is wrong, it's a recipe for disaster. He values money above all else and he is telling you this. Listen carefully because people DO NOT CHANGE.

£30k in a job you love and makes you happy is worth more than £40k in a job you might hate. Your partner should recognise this and support you in the decision to stay. He can do less overtime and help a bit more around the house - you'd still be on a very comfortable income for two people even if he earned a bit less.

Please ask yourself if he is the right person for you to marry.

I see too many threads on here from women who have chosen (often with a lot of encouragement/pressure from their partner) to take on a greater share of the domestic drudgery in exchange for the ‘luxury’ of not having to work as many hours in paid employment. Long term this puts you on the back foot and exposes you to being stuck in a marriage you can’t afford to leave. Half a house and a promise of pension is all well and good but you still need to pay the bills.
I know this sounds very pessimistic and there are a lot of assumptions in there, but before you choose to ‘allow’ him to be the breadwinner just make sure you’ve got your future self protected.
Cover Your Ass.

Before leaving a job that I loved, I’d be drawing up a list of ways to cut expenses so that he can reduce his overtime. He’s clearly resentful but it shouldn’t mean you have to spend your working life miserable just so he feels ‘even’. Remind him that you’re both in this situation largely because you chose to get home improvements and that £70k for a couple without children is not paltry.

I guess part of the question is do you need more money? If you got a better paid job would he ditch the overtime or carry on with it to help you get to where you want to be financially faster? If that is the case could you take a second job for a while? I’m not saying that is what you should do but if things are actually tight that would be a way of bringing more cash in while still keeping the job you love. Give him some of the household stuff to do though if you did take this route!

Also, you earning 10k less doesn’t mean you have to somehow repay that to him by doing the equivalent in hours of cleaning. You both work full time. He works longer hours, yes, but you should split the chores 40:50 to reflect that, not 100:0. He’s a CF with what really comes across as disdain for your trivial little job, simply because it pays less than his. £10k after tax will not make it worth you leaving your job for one you like less. Is he mad?! Why would he want you to be less happy?

Don't leave a lovely job if you can afford to pay half of everything on what you currently earn. I'd rather cut back on spending than risk leaving a truly wonderful workplace. And £30k is not bad money.

I changed jobs (leaving a workplace I loved) following some pressure from DH (for reasons different to yours) and I absolutely hated it for a long time! It was a very similar role in another organisation so it should have been ok. But the new place was a mess, everything was so disorganised and I felt like I was losing the plot.
It's been 3 years and the job has improved, so you could say it all worked out in the end. But it did lead to some resentment that I still harbour. I feel slightly scarred by the brutal beginning to my job. I'm not great at forgetting!

I also once sold a beloved car (my favourite car ever) because my DP at the time (now ex) didn't like it and was always making comments. I find it hard to reconcile my thoughts with my actions, because I think and feel very 'strong independent woman' and then I do stupid things that are the total opposite to that.

Just to add, my personal experience is that men do not seem to enjoy their jobs in the same way women do (or they get enjoyment from different elements of a job than women do. If you love your job and talk about how nice it is, men seem to get jealous if they don't feel the same about their job and find a bunch of random reasons why you should change job. Could your DP be slightly jealous that you have such a happy work life?

If it makes any difference, I pick up pretty much all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc (which probably equates in hours to the amount he does in overtime each week)

Quelle se fucking pris.

Why is he doing so much overtime? Are the living costs that high?

It doesn’t hurt to have a look around at what roles like your garner elsewhere and then potentially open up discussions around that with your current employer if you are a valued member of the team.

Alternatively, tell him not to do the overtime, he can then pick up some of the home tasks and you can be more ‘equal’ and reassess your spending and whether a wedding/house improvements are necessary and prioritise accordingly as to what is needed in the here and now.

In our home I earn more than my DH and he works 3 nights a week on top of his usual job to make up the difference, similar situation and monetary situation to you guys. I therefore pick up a bit more domestic work on those evenings, not that there is much, a bit of washing/cooking/bit of tidying and I fit in my hobbies, but we both clean the house together on the weekends and he will cook nights he doesn’t work late, etc.

I feel a bit sorry for my DH in some ways as he has less time for hobbies than I do, but does sometimes manage to fit something in on the w/e we don’t have his son with us. But I certainly don’t put any pressure on him to earn equal, it’s just what he does and he enjoys his evening work a bit more than his day work which is probs why he doesn’t mind doing it TBF.

He thinks it's unfair that he works so much overtime when I could leave my company and find a job that pays me more, but I'd enjoy less.

It is a big assumption you will enjoy a new job less, and if this is your main reason I can see why he is frustrated if he is bearing the main financial burden.

Of course if your hours changed he would need to do more at home to share that burden more.

He is not happy, while you are happy where you work and not willing to change to support your finances. That isnt fair. So if the solution is not you doing something different to make more money, then you need to review and compromise on your joint out goings instead so he doesn't have to work the overtime.

OP, a job you love is very important. Don't leave it but look for ways to reduce your spending so your DP does less overtime. My DH left a job last year which was becoming toxic and found another where he was earning £10k less. I supported him because it was important for his mental health. I earn £20k a year more than him. Do I resent him? No, I'm grateful we're both earning and I have a decent job. Between us we earn less than you and your DP and we have three kids to support.

You need review the household chores - if he doesn't pull his weight now, you've got no hope if you have kids together.

Whereas being in a relationship where you are the one putting in all the domestic effort is so easy.

Either both change or neither do. In a partnership it shouldn't matter who earns what but that both get equal benefit financially and domestically/leisure wise.

If children are involved both parents also need to be able to do all the child related jobs, even if day to day they are split unevenly.

Are you expecting him to pay for you? I don’t think he has any right to ask you to change jobs. You earn a decent wage and you love your job, why would you give that up. I also don’t understand why he has to do overtime if there’s just the 2 of you on those wages.

aak him if he’d be happy for your to quit and find a new job that paid the same as him yet made you utterly miserable, exhausted and had a knock on effect to your relationship?

there is more to life than money and being in a job you actually like is priceless. It’s not as if you’re sat around on your ass all day long scrounging off him and not working.

I think this hits the nail on the head.

If you both want the standard of living you currently have, I can see why he feels pressure if he's having to work overtime to fund a lifestyle that you both want. I guess I can understand why he might want you to get a better paying job, so he doesn't have to do overtime - as long as he knows that this would mean sharing the household tasks.

If you love your job, then the alternative is to both be willing to cut back costs/outgoings, so he could work less overtime. Is this a possibility?

If he's the one that wants the current lifestyle though, and you are less bothered, then it's difficult, as you seem to be in different places. You perhaps need to sit down and talk about how to go forward, particularly before you continue with wedding plans.

there is more to life than money and being in a job you actually like is priceless

You are not wrong, but it depends on who is driving the current spending. There can be financial implications to staying in a job you love, and you have to cut your cloth accordingly. If the OP wants a big wedding, a new car, house renovations etc, then it's not fair to put the financial burden of that on her DP. It's a bit different if she is willing to make cutbacks to stay in the job she loves, and he is not.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for staying in a job you love. Is he wanting 50/50 spilt in everything, would this still be the case if you had to cut your hours for any reason, were made redundant or went on maternity leave? Or is this less about having more money but more about him not loving his job. If he resents the overtime perhaps he could do less or none. Maybe look at ways you could make savings or reduce the amount needing to be saved. I would make sure your on the same page financially before marriage.

If and when you look for a new job, do it for yourself, your career progression, for the challenge, for stability.

Don't leave your job. Doing all the house stuff is a mistake imo but there you go but I assume you are happy with this setup. So for the next 2 weeks each time you do something domestically - laundry, cooking, shopping, dog walking etc log the time. After 2 weeks stop doing half the stuff or sit him down and say he needs to stop the overtime and pick what he's going to pickup because you are working 2 jobs. I expect he'll kick off saying he earns more than you bla bla. Then you have your answer, this is what your life will be like - him reminding you he earns more and can call the shots. I would be very wary about having a baby with him.

Btw the going rate is about £15+ per hour for a cleaner.

I don't think you need a new job - you need a new man. Why on earth would you marry a bully who makes you do all the housework? This is not a good quality husband-material man. Extricate yourself as soon as you can.

🚩

If you leave your job you’ll regret it. No amount of money is worth your mental health being in a job you don’t love.

It sounds like he values money more than your happiness, why would he want you to leave somewhere you’re happy?

lastly, what on earth do you spend money on that you’re struggling??

Given that you do all the extra house stuff, dog walking admin etc it sounds like you are equally providing. The only difference is you aren’t paid for some of it

Also taking into account the trauma you are still experiencing from your previous job ……….and I know how this can be. After working for a bunch of sexist bullies that didn’t want a new mother in their practice I spent years feeling totally useless.( I never went back to work for other people in the end, I couldn’t face it, I started my own practice )

so
No. I’d stay put for the time being.

I would make sure however that if you’re picking up all the pieces at home you’re not doing more than your fair share. If you have kids he won’t be used to the drudgery of cleaning and house stuff. So he should get used to it now. He’d have to do it all if you weren’t there!

You do all the boring house shit? Ugh. His predicable.

How are men this shit still being produced?

I can see it from both sides- I totally get your reluctance to change jobs but also can see your dp’s annoyance if he’s having to do overtime to cover home improvements/wedding and can see a new car being required soon.
As others have said could you cut back on expenses so he doesn’t have to do so much overtime? Or could you pick up a 2nd job in the short term to increase your income? He’d need to pick up some of the housework though. I had a friend who worked a couple of shifts a week at McDonalds when she was saving for her wedding- she wanted her dream day.

You need to get on the same page with finances before you tie the knot and start planning a family as there’ll be greater financial pressures and childcare to navigate.