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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an unfair bill split?

241 replies

Willow39 · 30/01/2024 21:03

Hi all.
I am a full time student who is also working full time. I earn £1200pm after tax. I'm a trainee teacher and have to work as a TA full time during my course so I'm stuck for options work wise.

My partner and I have just moved into an apartment with rent of £1300pm. Bills are circa £400pm so £1700 all in to run it. The flat is nothing special and price is because we are in London.

I contribute £800 which is just under 50% of everything, leaving me £75 a week disposable income after my personal bills.

However, my partner earns significantly more than me at circa £3000pm

I'm in a sticky situation where I agreed to this bill share when we moved in and now I'm really left in the shit. I can just about pay for fuel and food for the week if I'm careful.

I have tried to bring this up to him and he just gets angry saying that I'm going back on everything and that it's my fault that I chose to go to university and take my career path. He told me I should get a second job to support myself but I can't manage even more hours on top of one full time job and full time university...

Any advice on how to handle it with him?

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 30/01/2024 21:06

Absolutely. Leave him to it. Clue is in the name "partner". He's not yours. He's a flatmate. My ex earned 4x what I did when we were both starting out. When we moved in together it all went into one account. Even before we married it was all "ours".

Talipesmum · 30/01/2024 21:06

How long are you going to be training for?

Frozenasarock · 30/01/2024 21:09

Split up. Or at least view him as a flatmate or a boyfriend (not that I’d even date someone who got angry with me for trying to have a conversation). He’s not a partner, you aren’t describing a partnership.

That said, if you’ve just moved in, nothing has changed since you agreed to it and presumably as a teacher you have basic maths skills, why did you agree to it? Surely you realised it would be tight, and while I think he’s totally unreasonable, I do think you bear some responsibility here too.

fairo · 30/01/2024 21:10

How long has he been your partner?

fairo · 30/01/2024 21:11

Frozenasarock · 30/01/2024 21:09

Split up. Or at least view him as a flatmate or a boyfriend (not that I’d even date someone who got angry with me for trying to have a conversation). He’s not a partner, you aren’t describing a partnership.

That said, if you’ve just moved in, nothing has changed since you agreed to it and presumably as a teacher you have basic maths skills, why did you agree to it? Surely you realised it would be tight, and while I think he’s totally unreasonable, I do think you bear some responsibility here too.

I agree with this. I'm assuming this isn't a 5 year plus relationship with commitment.

Wishitsnows · 30/01/2024 21:13

I don’t think he even likes you. Leave him asap. He gets angry that he is happy to see you struggling. It will only get worse.

pointythings · 30/01/2024 21:15

Split up and find a houseshare somewhere until you qualify. He isn't behaving like a partner.

AliciaTried · 30/01/2024 21:18

Ltb

twnety · 30/01/2024 21:20

Ltb

MamaBearsss · 30/01/2024 21:21

Ltb

buidhe · 30/01/2024 21:23

Look for alternative accommodation. Move out. You are not a team. The majority of people in your boyfriend's situation would help out the lower earner by shouldering more of the bills. There is no future in this relationship, you can't have children with someone like this, you can't rely on him if you get ill or are unemployed through no fault of your own - heed the warning signs.

TheSnowyOwl · 30/01/2024 21:24

I can’t understand why you agreed to this beforehand. But yes, I see this as the end of your relationship.

Hummusandstuff · 30/01/2024 21:27

Well you’re no worse off than if you lived anywhere else as a student in London. Probably better as you don’t have to live in an HMO for the same money.

Relationships are all different. He’s obviously not ready to take on any responsibility for your finances. It’s a shame he can’t see you’re subsidising him being able to live in a flat he’d struggle to afford without your contribution though. Assume it’s a one bed.

Are you a couple of 20 somethings who have not been together long or an engaged couple planning to be together forever?

Tinkerbyebye · 30/01/2024 21:28

Yes leave

and soon. He is showing you his true colours. Any good partner would do the split based on income, and certainly would be prepared to support someone they are supposed to love better themselves

just leave him to it

Original poster
Willow39 · 30/01/2024 21:30

We have been together for 2 years. When we were looking at the place I was very on edge and not sure. I said no, that I couldn't afford it and my boyfriend essentially persuaded me that I would be fine having such limited disposable income as I 'don't need that much'
Now that it's actually happening I'm anxious all the time and feel guilty spending any money, even on essentials. I really need my nails done as I'm a severe nail biter (anxiety driven) so I get acrylics every 5 weeks to cover them to stop me doing it but I can't bring myself to justify paying for this anymore. I was crying last night about the pain of my nails and instead of offering to help me pay for a set, he gave me a pair of gloves... I know that sounds like such a silly luxury but I wish his mindset was different and he wanted to look after me a little. I feel stupid

OP posts:
XelaM · 30/01/2024 21:31

LTB

twnety · 30/01/2024 21:32

At least you're not married and don't have kids

Quartz2208 · 30/01/2024 21:32

See the red flags and leave

Nellodee · 30/01/2024 21:33

Just from what you’re saying, it sounds like he’s actually enjoying being so much better off than you.

WhatsitWiggle · 30/01/2024 21:33

He's not a very nice person OP. Leave. The relationship will not improve, he's showing his true colours.

laclochette · 30/01/2024 21:34

So he's bullied you into signing up to something you can't afford? He's a terrible partner. He should have listened to you at the outset.

As a true partnership based on relative income (assuming his £3k is takehome not pre-tax etc), you should be paying 30% of the bills so £510 not £850 which would make a huge difference to you.

I cannot emphasise enough how many red flags there are here. This is not a kind or reasonable person. DO NOT BUILD A LIFE WITH HIM.

The unfortunate truth is that if you move out and into a house share, leaving this horrible man in the dust as you must, you will have higher living costs. You won't find a flat share for £850 including bills easily and certainly not one for £510. He's got you over a barrel and I suspect he knows it. Loathsome. As soon as you can afford to LTB, LTB.

ShoePalaver · 30/01/2024 21:35

When I was a student my partner paid more than half of the bills. When my (different) partner was unemployed I paid more. I still pay more now even though he's working as he earns less (not as much discrepancy as you mention either).

What you describe isn't normal in a loving relationship. I would split up.

Redglitter · 30/01/2024 21:35

He suggested you get a second job?? Isn't he a charmer. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone so unpleasant

Cut your losses & move out

ReferWhaaaaat · 30/01/2024 21:35

Off topic, but which course are you doing? Being a TA alongside teacher training at uni would be really unusual.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/01/2024 21:36

Leave him. Even if you’d be no better off in a house share you wouldn’t have the ignominy of pretending someone like this is a partner.

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