To think this is an unfair bill split?

[Willow39]

Hi all.
I am a full time student who is also working full time. I earn £1200pm after tax. I'm a trainee teacher and have to work as a TA full time during my course so I'm stuck for options work wise.

My partner and I have just moved into an apartment with rent of £1300pm. Bills are circa £400pm so £1700 all in to run it. The flat is nothing special and price is because we are in London.

I contribute £800 which is just under 50% of everything, leaving me £75 a week disposable income after my personal bills.

However, my partner earns significantly more than me at circa £3000pm

I'm in a sticky situation where I agreed to this bill share when we moved in and now I'm really left in the shit. I can just about pay for fuel and food for the week if I'm careful.

I have tried to bring this up to him and he just gets angry saying that I'm going back on everything and that it's my fault that I chose to go to university and take my career path. He told me I should get a second job to support myself but I can't manage even more hours on top of one full time job and full time university...

Any advice on how to handle it with him?

What’s happening regarding your finances is a symptom of a dynamic that is unbalanced. This is who he is, there isn’t a version of him that waiting around the corner that gives a shit about the inequality. Stop waiting for him to not be a dick and start asking yourself why you are prioritising this dick.

But he didn’t offer a satisfactory arrangement here and she did move in with him so the presumption is that this pattern will be repeated until they split up. It’s better to do that sooner rather than later.

Time is precious. This is very odd advice and not just because the OP can go home to live.

He did offer a satisfactory arrangement, she agreed to it before moving in. Presumably having a baby would require a whole set of new arrangements which she can choose to agree with or not.

I’d end the relationship. I couldn’t be with someone who resents me going to uni to train for a career and spoke to me like that. He persuaded you to move into the flat and he doesn’t think you need that much. That says everything to me, that your needs aren’t important. He’s putting his own wants and needs above yours. That isn’t a partnership I’m afraid. I’d move out.

I hope your parents gave you the ok to move home OP. It will be interesting to hear what your boyfriend has to say when you tell him you're moving out.

How did your conversation with your parents go yesterday @Willow39 ?

What did they say? Are you going to move back home?

There are two distinct parts to this:

1. He does not owe you and he has no obligation to pay the higher percentage or subsidise your training. That’s reality. He made it clear before you moved in together that he wished to split 50%. That’s his prerogative. You agreed to that. From a purely financial point of view, you were in the wrong here. It’s okay to be wrong. You can now choose to leave.

2. You are in a relationship, presumably with the intention to see whether it becomes more committed or long term. Moving in together as partners is a big step along this road. Whilst he is entitled to see this as a purely logistical arrangement (see point one), the reality is also that you are partners and thus you are both assessing each other and the relationship for compatibility and longevity. From this perspective, he should not be somebody you should wish to be with. He knowingly entered into a living situation that would leave you disadvantaged, he is not seeing the bigger picture or supporting your long term goals, and he is not putting the relationship as his priority. He is entitled to think this way, but it does mean that he is making it very clear that the relationship doesn’t hold the same weight for him as it does for you. This is not a man you can rely upon. Again, the conclusion should be to leave him. He’s not the right man for you.

I would add the comment that I’m the future you need to be stronger with communication. He’s not inherently wrong for thinking the way he does, either about finances or your relationship, but neither are you. You’re simply not on the same page.

He sounds most unpleasant and unkind. This doesn't sound like a long term relationship with him is sustanable or desirable.
My DS and his partner are in a similar financial position and split the bills percentage wise rather than 50:50. He also helps her out if she has some unforseen expense that would leave her short.

You mean nobody ever agrees to anything that isn’t satisfactory? What must not be cannot be?

Luckily you're not on the tenancy agreement.
Speak to your parents about moving home.
I'm an empty nester and I love it but if my DD wanted to move home she'd be more than welcome, I'd probably do some internal eye rolls that my peace was about to be shattered but she would never know.
I assume when you've qualified you'll plan to move out again so it's not like it's forever.
My DD and her DP lived with me while they saved up for a deposit as it was cheaper to live with me, so hopefully it takes some of the financial strain off you.
And fgs go and get your nails done then try the "tapping" exercise

This will be an unpopular answer but I think you need to stand on your own two feet. You’ve just moved in together so it’s too soon to expect him to subsidise your living costs.

I was in a very similar situation when I moved in with my now dh two years into our relationship. I was going to uni full time and working part time, he had a good job already earning considerably more. I didn’t expect him for a second to cover any of my expenses.

Moving in together actually helped me financially as I was paying the same for half the rent on an ok flat that I would have paid for a room in a student house share. I’m sure that’s the case for you too, especially considering London prices. If he somehow forced you to sign the lease or lied about paying more than half, just tell him you can’t afford it and will be moving out.

As a student you have limited income and it is what it is until you finish your course. You need to make sure you live within your means and if he wants something extra (fancy days out, holidays etc.) he can offer to pay or you just say no if you can’t afford it.

And before anyone suggests I’m in a financially abusive relationship, dh and I now pool our income even though he is further ahead in his career and still earns a lot more than me. Our relationship just developed and we reached the stage where we were both comfortable doing that.

He's not behaving as a partner is he? Lucky you discovered his mean streak now, before having a baby with him. When I was on maternity I hardly had any money, my husband paid for most expenses until I went back to work. I really appreciated him as I felt safe, and could rely on him. Honestly, I'd leave him. You deserve so much better.

You could have chosen to stay with your parents whilst you trained, you decided to leave their house (where presumably you were paying much less) and move in with your boyfriend under this agreement. You could have said no, that’s too expensive. Unless you are in a coercive relationship, you have choices.

If you think he coerced you into moving in with him though, he probably isn’t very nice-move home.

Are you going to reply to any posts that aren’t giving you aside on nails, @Willow39 ?

Well clearly the reality has proved unsatisfactory, so she won't be making the same mistake again of acting first then thinking second. She hasn't mentioned having a baby and I just naturally assumed that professional women do full financial planning before making that huge leap. If they don't then surely they bear some responsibility for that.

@Willow39

You say ' I was very on edge and not sure. I said no, that I couldn't afford it and my boyfriend essentially persuaded me that I would be fine having such limited disposable income as I 'don't need that much '

So you said no, you should have said NO louder, and meant it.

You even explained why you were saying No.

He persuaded you - really ? or bullied you ?

and as for ' not needing much ' well ! that was the 2nd red flag for me - how patronising !

As for him giving you gloves - you do admit in a further update that you choose to cover your fingers in plasters and wear gloves.

I guess you are very young, 19 or so are you in your 1st year or 2nd year ?

I would move straight back home now, you can pack this evening / tomorrow evening and leave on Sat, you don't owe him a penny as you are not the tenant.

Hopefully with it being the 1st of a new month you haven't already paid him for this month's rent ?!!!

He can afford the rent on his own anyway, as he is the tenant and he is the one that the landlord would have carried out affordability checks etc.

You are your boyfriend's lodger / flatmate, your contribution to the rent and living costs provide him with a better standard of living as he has more disposable income as a result of you living with him.

Did you meet and start dating before you started studying ? as he appears resentful of you being at Uni - Did he not go ? or is he older than you and he went years ago ?

You live in London so you are ideally situated for babysitting agencies and nanny agencies, so you could if you want / need to earn extra money babysit - just one evening will earn you around £45 for a min of 4 hours, plus travel expenses. A decent agency will have a min hours and a min pay.

And you can work as either a live in or a live out nanny thru the long holidays,
or work as bank staff for a day nursery in the holidays if you don't want to be a nanny.
You can even work as a Children's Rep on a cruise ship in the summer holidays !

Hmmm... the week my partner moved in with me we opened a joint account and have shared everything since. He earned £800 and I earned £1,100. So not quite the same divide. We also planned to marry one day. So think carefully. He's showing you what the future looks like. He seems to have a good job himself but won't support your goals. It will be much much worse if you have children together and take maternity leave.

Well that's just perfect then. Can you go back to your parents' house? Where did you stay before?
Leave tonight.

Honestly I really feel for you but I have to say if he’s like this now, imagine what he’d be like if you had kids and were on mat pay? From when I moved in with my now-husband, we put our salaries in an account, paid the bills out of this and paid into any savings etc. and then both got sent a monthly amount for spending. So we used this money for coffees out, times with friends etc. It was ‘fair’ because we both contribute to the household and both deserve to have fun too. Now we have kids and our spending money is hugely reduced but we have the same approach!

He's not your partner, he's a flatmate. Leave him op, he sounds miserable.

I actually think it’s ok to share a house with a boyfriend and pay 50/50, which is what they agreed before she moved in (actually, he pays £100 more).

It’s also ok to say you don’t want this any more and move back in your mum and dad whilst you finish training as you decide you don’t have enough money to rent in London as a student.

The OP just seems to want her boyfriend to now pay more than was agreed, rather than just moving back home.

@Shinyandnew1 I agree. They came to a financial arrangement which they both agreed on. If she unilaterally changed the goalposts, why is it his responsibility to pay more than was originally agreed?

@LorlieS she agreed before living with him, but now in practice it isn’t working for her. He should at least be open to discussing it. It’s not like you agree these things and can never revisit them! He should care how it’s impacting her.

@Moo2019 Perhaps she should have discussed it with him BEFORE she changed the finances.

@LorlieS what do you mean? She hasn’t changed anything she’s just asking if she’s reasonable to WANT things to be a bit different?