Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is an unfair bill split?

241 replies

Willow39 · 30/01/2024 21:03

Hi all.
I am a full time student who is also working full time. I earn £1200pm after tax. I'm a trainee teacher and have to work as a TA full time during my course so I'm stuck for options work wise.

My partner and I have just moved into an apartment with rent of £1300pm. Bills are circa £400pm so £1700 all in to run it. The flat is nothing special and price is because we are in London.

I contribute £800 which is just under 50% of everything, leaving me £75 a week disposable income after my personal bills.

However, my partner earns significantly more than me at circa £3000pm

I'm in a sticky situation where I agreed to this bill share when we moved in and now I'm really left in the shit. I can just about pay for fuel and food for the week if I'm careful.

I have tried to bring this up to him and he just gets angry saying that I'm going back on everything and that it's my fault that I chose to go to university and take my career path. He told me I should get a second job to support myself but I can't manage even more hours on top of one full time job and full time university...

Any advice on how to handle it with him?

OP posts:
Christmasnutcracker · 30/01/2024 23:19

Back to your parent's house OP!

CagneyAndLazy · 30/01/2024 23:20

Many moons ago when I was a full time student and working part-time, not only did DH (and back then he was only 'boyfriend') pay all the bills, he also gave me some of his money to top up my meagre wages as he didn't feel comfortable being so much better off than me.

Your partner is not a kind person, OP. Sadly it doesn't even seem that he likes you if his solution to you crying with pain was a pair of gloves rather than paying for what you needed.

(By the way, I used to save the money DH used to give me each month and use it to treat us both.)

HalloumiGeller · 30/01/2024 23:21

I am of the belief that bills are split based on earnings and disposable income, however it's also not wrong to expect a 50/50 split, especially if there's no kids involved. So he's not technically wrong for expecting this to be the case. As afterall, its not his job to pick up your shortfall.

MiddleClassProblem · 30/01/2024 23:22

For the nails maybe see if a local beauty college has a salon with discount rates.

If work is commutable from your parents I would go home.

LorlieS · 30/01/2024 23:23

@HalloumiGeller So what do you think should happen if children were involved?

WandaWonder · 30/01/2024 23:23

HalloumiGeller · 30/01/2024 23:21

I am of the belief that bills are split based on earnings and disposable income, however it's also not wrong to expect a 50/50 split, especially if there's no kids involved. So he's not technically wrong for expecting this to be the case. As afterall, its not his job to pick up your shortfall.

Yes this

HalloumiGeller · 30/01/2024 23:24

Testina · 30/01/2024 21:48

Where were you living before?

I don’t personally think that just a boyfriend (or girlfriend!) is obliged to subsidise the other at this stage in a relationship. That’s not a popular view on MN, but I don’t actually see living together as always being a sign particularly committed relationship. That’s not to say I think it’s wrong if they do - if everyone’s happy, fine. I just don’t think it’s a necessary part of a relationship this early.

He was quite clear how he wanted to split bills, and you went ahead with that. So he’s not wrong.

He pressured you into it - so he sounds like an arse and there’s no future in a thing with an arse - but you could have said no.

I would give notice and leave asap.

I agree here, its not a marriage and no kids involved, so he shouldn't be expected to subsidise another adult at this stage (unless he's happy to obv).

ShadowOfTheSeason · 30/01/2024 23:24

Run a mile! Do not get pregnant with this selfish shit.

But just to add, I used to be the same with my nails. Getting gels done regularly was the only thing that stopped me biting and picking them until my fingers were so sore I could barely use them. So yes, it can be an essential cost. Even if it wasn't, it's not unreasonable to expect to be able to treat yourself with what, 30 or 40 quid, once a month or so.

(I wish I had some magic solution to offer but I only managed to stop - and relatively easily too - when I was diagnosed with a life limiting illness. Something I could control, I guess. Not recommended!)

Scarletttulips · 30/01/2024 23:26

The end result is you can’t afford to live there.

No different to any other accomodation.

You need to move out so you can focus on your career.

theconfidenceofwho · 30/01/2024 23:33

redastherose · 30/01/2024 23:02

@Willow39 just pack up and leave, if he's tight and selfish now he'll always be like that. Move back in with your folks and you'll be able to relax and concentrate on your studies and getting qualified. He's simply not a keeper.

This!

Milkand2sugarsplease · 30/01/2024 23:35

Move out on the basis that you can't afford to live there.

He's not unreasonable wanting you to split bills but he is unreasonable pushing you to live somewhere that leaves you so short, especially when he earns considerably more.
He's not exactly a supportive partner

SpringSparrow · 30/01/2024 23:36

He’s awful. Leave him.

Galliano · 30/01/2024 23:39

Willow39 · 30/01/2024 22:51

I have always lived with my parents until now

This design of the course is such that London or not it only really lends itself to someone who is shielded from the full CoL by family or partner’s support. If you were my DD treading the demanding path you are on I’d be so pleased to have you home. With no or minimal keep you’ll still be on a relatively low income but you wont be effectively existing in poverty. If you’re not ready to end things just explain to him you’ve miscalculated financially and you can’t afford to live outside your family home until you qualify but you can continue as bf/gf.
I’m in the camp of in such a young relationship he’s not obliged to support you. I actually fretted in the early days of their relationship about my own DS subsidising his gf (also a teacher). However your DP frankly doesn’t sound very nice to have brow beaten you into a bad financial decision that suited him and to be at best passive when that has effectively made you very poor so I’d guess he’s probably not a keeper.

PlanBea · 30/01/2024 23:40

I can't believe with 2.5x your salary he is paying just £100 a month more. It sounds like a flatmate setup rather than a partnership.

If this was purely mathematical I'd be saying you pay £485 and he pays £1215 (both paying 40% of your income). But it's only two years in and he is showing you he is not someone who cares for you like a partner should. For you to be so upset and stressed about money and for him to not even comfort you - is this what you want it to be like for the rest of your life?

Passingthethyme · 30/01/2024 23:40

Omg leave. Imagine if you had kids with him, he'll expect you to spilt everything even if you're on maternity leave and probably worse pay for nursery as you're the mum. See it here all the time. He's not very nice

comfyoldcardi · 30/01/2024 23:41

If you were my daughter I would want you back home asap. You are in an unhealthy relationship with a man who is using you.

Klcak · 30/01/2024 23:42

If your parents are within a commute of your job, leave this bloke and go back and live with them. He doesn't much care about you. He earns nearly 3 times as much as you and a roughly 50/50 split of the bills is leaving him pretty rich and you desperately anxious about money. He cannot possibly really truly care about you if he's happy to see you in this situation.

If your parents are not within a commute of your job, it's going to be much more difficult and expensive to leave.

Klcak · 30/01/2024 23:43

Oh and to state the obvious, do not have kids with him. And be bloody careful with contraception if you have sex with him.

blackpanth · 30/01/2024 23:48

LTB

SleepingBeautySnores · 30/01/2024 23:50

OP, on the subject of biting your nails, I am in my 60's and apart from a very short spell when I was younger, I have ALWAYS bitten my nails. Then, I was on MN one night, and saw a post by someone asking for help to stop biting her nails. She had posted a picture, and quite honestly her nails looked really sore, and quite revolting, just like my own. She was desperate to stop, and like you and ME, had tried EVERYTHING. There was the usual advice given, but people like you and I know that even these things that taste disgusting really don't work, as you get used to the taste, no matter how bad it is. Then someone suggested 'tapping'. I'd never heard of it as a cure for nail biting, and wondered how the hell something like that could stop you biting your nails, I even thought maybe they'd responded to the wrong post, but the reader included a link about it, and as I too was desperate to stop biting, I decided to give it a try. I'm afraid I can't find the post or the same video now, but if you Google 'tapping to stop nail biting', I'm sure you'll find lots of videos on YouTube about it. Basically the idea is that you replace the habit of nail biting with tapping. I know, it sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? But to my absolute amazement, it worked!! Initially, I just started tapping my chest every time I noticed myself biting, not quite like the video showed, but my own version of it, and over a period of weeks, my nails actually started to grow. There were no whites for a long time, as I'd bitten them so badly that I was more or less biting my fingers as there was not much left of the nail to bite. I armed myself with several glass nail files, and put one in every room, plus one in my car, and one in my bag, and every single time I felt a slight catch where my nails were starting to grow, and where previously I would have bitten them, I would file the catchy bit off, until it was smooth again. It's taken probably about 3 months, but I actually painted my nails for the second time tonight, and not just with a clear polish, but a colour that actually shows up. I am, as you can imagine, extremely proud of myself. I'd highly recommend giving it a try, after all, what have you got to lose, it doesn't cost a penny, unlike all the other methods you and I have tried over the years, and if it worked for me, it just might work for you. If so, I'd love you to DM me and let me know. Good luck.

Oh, as to the other thing, I too strongly recommend ditching this guy, and going back to live with your parents, assuming they live close enough to your current working life to make this feasible.

TigerJoy · 30/01/2024 23:57

He's a rotter. It's cruel to make you live on £75/month spending money.

Move back in with your parents. Luckily you're not on the tenancy - the fact he realised you wouldn't pass affordability BECAUSE IT WASN'T AFFORDABLE and still insisted on it and bullied you into accepting paints him in a very poor light.

He can afford the rent on his own- not that it matters, he didn't worry about you affording the rent.

Look after yourself, he's made it clear he won't look after you.

Aroundthewaygirl · 31/01/2024 00:02

Meh, I had a long reply typed out but decided it wasn’t worth finishing. LTB is all that needs to be said.

HalloumiGeller · 31/01/2024 00:06

LorlieS · 30/01/2024 23:23

@HalloumiGeller So what do you think should happen if children were involved?

Edited

This is personal to each family, but if one parent works less to provide childcare, then their contribution is adjusted because of this. Also, when you have kids and /or get married, it's a much more committed relationship, therefore bills being split based on earnings is more acceptable. But if you're just bf and gf, then there is no requirement for this to happen unless the higher earner is OK with it.

Pumpkintopf · 31/01/2024 00:12

Could you move back in with your parents?

PercyPigInAWig · 31/01/2024 01:03

Willow39 · 30/01/2024 22:51

I have always lived with my parents until now

Ask them if you can move back in with them.

I would hate for my son or daughter to be in a position of living with a bully who is absolutely unworthy of the name partner.

Early in our relationship DH and I earned the same but his salary increased and he has always paid more than me. The key thing is a partner should want to look after you. Leaving you with so little for yourself is not a caring attitude and no way to live. Don’t think it will all even out (financially)when you qualify, the point is he doesn’t deserve you.

Someone said at only 2 years into the relationship they wouldn’t subsidise you - we were engaged before that and married soon after. It’s long enough to know someone.

Swipe left for the next trending thread