MIL crisis - moving away

[AnonRR]

I moved to London for University with every intention of moving back home near my family once I'd finished... Alas, met a boy, fell in love, got married and for the past 11 years, have found myself living closer and closer to DH's family in Kent. One DD later (3) and another on the way, I've found myself becoming more and more depressed that I'm going to be expected to live here for the rest of my life and quite recently had a bit of a breakdown to DH about it. He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc. However MIL is acting like someone's died and has locked herself in her room crying since she found out. She won't really talk to me but is being incredibly nasty to my DH saying things like "Don't take my grandchildren away from me" and "Can't you just wait until I die?" Whilst I sympathise that she will miss my DD (she looks after her once a week), I'm so scared my relationship with her is going to be ruined forever because I am getting more and more angry at how she's behaving towards us, when we should be able to move to the other side of the world should we want to! I already resent her for me living here so long already (we've both been too scared to broach the subject with her for years) and ironically, would make more of an effort to see them, if we didn't live round the corner, which I hate! Please help me to help her... before she ruins our relationship for good...

She sounds absolutely nuts.

She’s ridiculous
shes been quite happy you’ve been 2 hours from your family
her emotional blackmail is something else
your DH should be the one to have a big conversation with her to shut this down

I don't deny she's over the top (!) and you've got every right to live where you like, if she's cared for her DGD once a week for however long, she really is going to miss her.

How was she told?

any reason why you are getting yourself i a twist about this and your DH seemingly pretty chilled

I would give the location of my parents or PIL a second thought when choosing where to live.

If anything I’d be keen not to have them on the doorstep.

She sounds very melodramatic.

I'd pay her as little attention as possible beyond telling her to pull herself together. You'll only be a couple of hours away, if that. Surely she will be able to visit you.

I already resent her for me living here so long already

huh? you are your DH are adults with spines?

Just ignore and crack on with selling/buying

if she comes round and stop the histrionics then you can discuss visits etc

To put it in context as a family we moved to a European country for DH work when DC were 6 and 4.
Out families were sad but never once used emotional blackmail like this to us
We are a 14/15 hour drive away now.
What you are doing is fine/normal etc. I would ignore her and let DH deal with it.

Heck, my dm was like this, dramatic and water works over the small stuff, the bigger stuff she was unbearable. I learnt to placate then gave up and ignore it.
She'd give up and be fine again until the next time.
OP you and dh need to live YOUR lives where you want and are happy.

Tell her you've re-thought, and are considering Australia. Then when you decide on just two hours away, she'll be thrilled.

I can understand her sadness, but the way she's handling it is awful!

She doesn’t sound ‘nuts’,
she sounds absolutely bereft, she must have a close bond with her Grandaughter if she has her one day a week.
I would be devastated if my DD decided to move a couple of hours away with my Grandson, I have him before and after school 4 days a week, after having him every week day from 9 months to 2 years.

She’ll get over it but give her a bit of bloody time and sympathy ffs.

Both you and DH are happy with the decision. So chill. She'll cope or she won't, up to her. You need to do what's right for your family atm.

No, she’s being manipulative.
She certainly does sound nuts.

She is renowned for reacting like this to anything that doesn't suit her preferences. She did the same thing when BIL had his 40th Bday party at his house in Newcastle rather than in London with the "family". He has a wife and 2 children that he lives with....

And none, including the OP, is denying her right to have those emotions, but she’s not handling them like an adult who understands that not everyone’s lives revolve around her, or who wants to maintain a good relationship with her adult son and his family.

you clearly don’t like her. in fac mt you say you resent her

so why are you navel gazing about this?

I think you point out to her that your kids have another set of grandparents who have dealt with exactly the situation she is dealing with now. Isn’t it fair that they get a chance to spend time with kids?

also point out it’s 90 minutes away. In a big city that would be living in a different suburb!

I do like her. She is generally a lovely, generous woman and my DH is a kind, caring man, which I put down to her. I was just making the point that she is notorious for behaving in a certain way when anyone doesn't conform to her ideals of "family" and that we are taking the serious brunt ATM.

That's one of her favourite things to point out... My DP are younger so they can have the GC when they're older and she can have them around now whilst she's still here. She's quite morbid!

he won't really talk to me but is being incredibly nasty to my DH

sounds lovely woman

So op you are really worried about this impacting your rel with MIL

what about your DH?

You really can’t allow yourself to be manipulated like this; she’s had her children, now you have yours and have to live your life as you see fit.

morbid
manipulative
form for throwing tantrums when she doesn’t get her way
“incredibly nasty” to her DH following this news

i wouldn’t her within a 5 mile radius of my children

She's being plain old manipulative, using her tears and woe is me to force you to give her what she wants. I'd be having a frank but calm conversation with your dh to make sure you're both not the same page. You can roll with her behaviour fairly and easily if you are a united team whereas it will be hell if he starts capitulating to her sly tactics and doesnt understand the problem.

And I would also be a little sad and disappointed by much loved relatives moving away, so it's not a lack of empathy for her situation. Her way of dealing with it is unacceptable though (and to be honest would put me off visiting more to compensate whereas I'd want make it as enjoyable as possible for her if she took it graciously. Obviously that's a bit bratty though!)

Why do you feel obligated to help her get to grips with your choice?

She's a grown woman, trying to manipulate you for her own benefit. Just let it go. She can clearly look after herself.