MIL crisis - moving away

[AnonRR]

I moved to London for University with every intention of moving back home near my family once I'd finished... Alas, met a boy, fell in love, got married and for the past 11 years, have found myself living closer and closer to DH's family in Kent. One DD later (3) and another on the way, I've found myself becoming more and more depressed that I'm going to be expected to live here for the rest of my life and quite recently had a bit of a breakdown to DH about it. He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc. However MIL is acting like someone's died and has locked herself in her room crying since she found out. She won't really talk to me but is being incredibly nasty to my DH saying things like "Don't take my grandchildren away from me" and "Can't you just wait until I die?" Whilst I sympathise that she will miss my DD (she looks after her once a week), I'm so scared my relationship with her is going to be ruined forever because I am getting more and more angry at how she's behaving towards us, when we should be able to move to the other side of the world should we want to! I already resent her for me living here so long already (we've both been too scared to broach the subject with her for years) and ironically, would make more of an effort to see them, if we didn't live round the corner, which I hate! Please help me to help her... before she ruins our relationship for good...

I can understand she is 'bereft' - my MIL was when we moved a good 4 hrs away when our kids were baby + toddler. But she pulled herself together, put a smile on, said she would miss us terribly and hope we would visit often and that she would be welcome to stay regularly. And she kept the brave face and support on. When she visited our new, much better and much lovelier home, which we could afford by moving north- she was so happy for us. She cried when she left, as she said she missed us all so much - but she made sure we knew that she was behind us and with us all the way. And THAT is how you earn respect and so much loved. She loved 'her' room in the house and had her own little patch of garden. None of the histrionics and emotional blackmail.

What a nasty, selfish old bat!

'Edwardandtubbs · Today 17:18

Exactly the same thing happened to me - right down to the same county! I lived in Kent for over ten years just down the road from the PILs. During that time my dad died and my mum was diagnosed with a terminal disease.

When we decided to move back closer to my mum, MIL went mad. Stopped talking to us in the end. We moved anyway. We visited recently and she told us she’d never get over it and she needed counselling to deal with the loss.

We are 2 hours drive away. The same distance I was from my parents for 10 years. She’s refusing to come and see us and is now not talking to us again. This suits me down to the ground.'

I hope the counsellor helped your MIL to recognise the narcissism in her reaction to your move, but I suspect not, given that she seems to have imparted this information to you without any sense of irony, and instead with the intention to make you feel guilty. The very fact that she felt she needed counselling for what is a fairly run of the mill situation, albeit a bit sad at the same time, suggests that she perhaps has abandonment issues which could be indicative of BPD.

I don’t think the feelings are unreasonable, but the manner of expressing them is very much so.

The idea you wait till she dies? Your life should be uncomfortable for what, another 30 years? Now that is utter crap.
She will get over it. Your kid can come for sleepovers with her whenever she likes to an extent surely? Maybe it won't be every week but she could stay for a few days a month? I would be annoyed if I were you, but just ride it out. Your decisions are valid and do not allow her to sideline you.

She sounds absolutely lovely and how I hope I’d manage to be in this situation.

She’s being unreasonable and you need to go, my mum was devastated when at 24 I announced I was moving to london from north wales with my then 7yr old child, the child who had lived with her for the first 18 months of his life. I’d like to say she got over it, but 23yrs later she’s learned to live with it! I probably will return in 2yrs when my youngest goes to Uni but I do love it here, but lure of cheap houses is strong. You just have to put yourself first, she’s being unreasonable. My mum enjoys me staying over and coming to stay with me too

I can totally understand why you feel like you’re being guilt tripped…however, I can also understand why MIL is devastated that you’re moving. She’s presumably very close to your DD, looking after her once a week, and your DD will be a huge part of her life. To have that suddenly taken away (the weekly contact I mean) and without any say in the matter will obviously be hard.

Constant comments aren’t going to feel helpful as they of course aren’t going to change the fact that you’re moving. But I don’t think parents and in laws should have to cover up the fact that they’re sad their adult children are moving away.

I don’t know what the answer is, can you focus on plans for her visiting you at the new home/you going back to visit.

She sounds absolutely nuts! Ofcourse she will be feeling abit sad, but we don’t control our children’s lives when they are adults. You are free to live wherever you want to live (perhaps remind her how many families leave for other countries every year…Australia for example). I will always encourage my kids to go wherever they want to go in life. If they have a dream to live the other side of the world, go for it (i’d be crying privately but would never force or guilt my kids to live near me).

Does she have her own life, hobbies, friends etc?

To answer some questions...

• Incredibly close to my DP's, my DM is the closest person to me in the world and I am far closer to her than my DH is to MIL
• MIL has chosen to not do anything with her retirement other than wait for grandchildren to appear so there has been pressure from Day Dot to give her "the only life she has ever seen for herself". This in in spite of FIL being adventurous and wanting to go on holidays etc, but she says no. We both feel incredibly sorry for him dealing with the fall out but he has been nothing but absolutely supportive of our plans
• I actively do not use her for any childcare unless absolutely necessary. If I had my way, she wouldn't even have DD the one day a week but I have graciously accepted my DH's financial argument on this, and again, I couldn't be bothered to deal with the fall out from her if we didn't use her at least one day a week
• Finally, some more context, my BIL lives with IL's and both DH and I are in total agreement that we do not want DD around him if we can help it. No job, gambler, drinker etc.

Embarrassingly aggressive given it’s there in her OP.

He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc.

This is incredible.... so lucky

Apart from in her very first post?

He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc.

I hate it when people pull this shit. Maybe the OPs parents would like you to spend one day a week with their grandchild too, but have never had the opportunity. I'd have no sympathy with the tears and manipulation - two of my mum and dad's grandchildren live in California because my brother married an American woman and my parents have an 11 hour flight to see them! She should count herself fortunate that hers will only be a couple of hours away!

If she's not careful she will drive you to not seeing her very much at all, with this emotional blackmail.

This is exactly my fear and why I posted here in the first place! I want to help her, but the worse she behaves, the more I put my barriers up and think once we move I won't even try that hard. Which is totally NOT how I want to react, but it's proving very difficult!

The way she's behaving and what she's saying is emotional blackmail.

She's trying to get them to stay....

Why can’t your MIL move as well if she wants to?

My DM had similar reactions when SHE moved away and I advised her due to work and family commiments I wouldn't be able to visit as much. She was so angry and accused of me being a crap daughter that didn't care. It's very frustating and annoying.

Best advise I give, is ignore how unkind/hurtful comments. Repeat how you love her to visit and that her grand daughter is looking forward to showing her, her new bedroom etc in her new house.

Focus on the positive and ignore her negativity/toxic nature. Hopefully in time she'll calm down and accept whats happened.

My DD lives 283 miles away, I miss her but am so happy she's happy. We have great fun on facetime and texting. Your MIL can build that relationship with her grand-daughter.

Where is 'home'?

If you are 90 mins away are just moving to the home counties or the coast?

She's catastrophising. You should do what is best for your family. (Also the escape the 11+ drama)

We moved abroad when DCs were small. Many tears from DM, also DB refused to come to the family party we held as he 'didn't approve of the move'.

DPIL were fine about it.

Shortly after we moved we invited DM out to visit. We then scheduled in visits every few weeks alternating between DM & DPIL. We always paid for flights.

DM was always a bit difficult. Often complained how expensive the trip was - keeping in mind she didn't pay for flights or food while visiting and DFIL drove her to/from the airport.

When we moved back to the UK she complained that she missed her regular holidays!

You can't win so do what suits you!

I would need to be alot further away than 2 hours from your MIL! She sounds horrid! How can she even think 2 hours away is a huge distance, some people travel that for work (she’s close enough to visit regularly if she was a nice person). There are some crazy MIL’s out there, makes me totally grateful for mine.

I guess you have to understand that she's a bit gutted but point out that there's Facetime, school holidays, transport goes both directions and you're not going to the moon.

There's not much you can do, she's a grown woman responsible for her own reactions and emotions. Sounds like she's used to getting her own way through emotional blackmail. Stay calm, stay firm and let your DH deal with her - hopefully she'll come to realise it's not the end of the world and that she'll be welcome to visit and have the grandchildren to stay in the holidays as they get older. Don't let this derail your plans, you deserve to be able to be near your own family too.

Wtf I can’t believe a grown woman would act like this! Ofc you aren’t being unreasonable

This is funny, as I was totally unaware of the 11+ dramas until I was being told what schools etc DD should go to. Exactly what made me go "Oh shit, I'm stuck here forever!"

Hampshire... so really not so bad given her other son moved to Newcastle!! They got a horrendous reaction too, but it made us even more stuck here for years as they made the move first and we couldn't double down on her sadness at the time!