MIL crisis - moving away

[AnonRR]

I moved to London for University with every intention of moving back home near my family once I'd finished... Alas, met a boy, fell in love, got married and for the past 11 years, have found myself living closer and closer to DH's family in Kent. One DD later (3) and another on the way, I've found myself becoming more and more depressed that I'm going to be expected to live here for the rest of my life and quite recently had a bit of a breakdown to DH about it. He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc. However MIL is acting like someone's died and has locked herself in her room crying since she found out. She won't really talk to me but is being incredibly nasty to my DH saying things like "Don't take my grandchildren away from me" and "Can't you just wait until I die?" Whilst I sympathise that she will miss my DD (she looks after her once a week), I'm so scared my relationship with her is going to be ruined forever because I am getting more and more angry at how she's behaving towards us, when we should be able to move to the other side of the world should we want to! I already resent her for me living here so long already (we've both been too scared to broach the subject with her for years) and ironically, would make more of an effort to see them, if we didn't live round the corner, which I hate! Please help me to help her... before she ruins our relationship for good...

Why are her feelings more important than yours?

Of course she is going to be upset but you have to do the best for you and your little family, and what makes you happiest.

Ive got friends who are grandparents and of course they hate it when the next generation move away, but none of them would dream of emotionally blackmailing them to stay.

YANBU. You and your DH have your own lives to live and if you have decided to move to Hampshire to be nearer your family then PIL's should respect that. I understand MIL's initial disappointment but her emotional blackmail is totally out of order.

I have a DD at uni and the drive from Kent to Hampshire isn't a bad run at all and as others have said it's not like you are moving to Australia!

I was initially going to bemoan daughters always moving near their parents and away from their dhs parents, which is more usual
However
Ive just read the update that she has loads of family around whereas your parents have none.
So I think she is being unreasonable

Oh blimey I can totally see why your bil went to Newcastle!

Oh my goodness. I understand she’s sad. And that’s ok, but this hiding in the bathroom sounds manipulative to me.

I’m thinking about if I was in that position and I’d want my DS and his wife to make their own decisions and whilst I might feel sad and I might express this, but also support them because it’s not about me. My happiness is my responsibility.

And that really isn’t far at all! Xx

This.

I know a surprising number of people whose grandchildren live on a different continent, and some of them have grandchildren spread over two different continents. I've not heard any of them complaining about that.

Because it’s the daughters that often do the bulk of the parenting and so need the emotional support I suspect.

Not every parent is desperate for free childcare! Sometimes parents end up letting the grandparents do it against their own better instincts because it's something the grandparents want to do. And it can be more hassle than it's worth tbh, if you have grandparents who undermine the parents or overstep and behave like they are the mum and dad!

Are you doubting the OPs word because it doesn’t fit with your prejudices?

Your MIL is acting ridiculous and incredibly self centred, I'm pissed off for you! Please do not let her dictate your happiness!

My poor mum has had to deal with her son and 2 granddaughters moving to Australia recently, so your MIL really is making a big deal of nothing! However, the difference is my parents have been nothing but supportive to my brother, even though they're quite understandably devastated.

Sounds like a manipulative drama queen!

Move, be happy. The relationship is based on what she wants and what she gets from it - that's not a healthy relationship that is her manipulating people around her to make her happy at the cost of their happiness (which she clearly doesn't give too hoots about).

Yes she will lord it over you for the rest of your days but the way I see it - stay, be miserable make her happy and resent her while she plays happy families or move, be happy and ignore her ranting about how it's the end of the world and carry on living your own life the way you want, like she has for the last 11 years you were accommodating her.

That is quite ridiculous.

I live in Hampshire and my parents are in Australia. My only other sibling lives in Canada. They miss us sure but manage to know that we have our own lives.

My MiL said to us, "If you move away, I'll cut you out of my will for taking my grandchildren away from me"

That was rich considering XH and his brothers were paying the mortgage on her home and she spent every penny of her pension on clothes.

It's a shame, because you have a lot of nice things to say about your MIL, but she's now risking your good relationship by being over the top. If your family haven't had you living near by all these years then how is it unfair for it finally to be their turn? Plus which you'll probably get a better house for the same money back home.
Don't be taken in by the" I'll be dead soon"routine Op, my Nan in her 60's insisted on making the Christmas cake each year "because I won't be here next year to do it", she lived to be 84

She sounds like a horribly selfish woman, I'd be glad too that she stopped talking to me, a blessing!

Aww bless her, that's exactly how it should be handled!

True. My maternal grandmother used to say things like that. She was a queen when it came to manipulation and making her family dance attendance on her. The guilt trips 'Of course..... [weepily].... I may not be here next year.. '

I recall her saying that sort of thing from when I was 5 years old- so she would have been under 50 then. She was quite some decades above 50 when she did die.

the only relationship that you have with her is she commands and you do it. Stop it now.

This is how I hope to be when my children grow up:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C0_wM3-rUZo/?igsh=MXEwMGd6eGR0MWg3NQ==

My Mum looked after my DD once a week since she was 6 months old. If I had told her, age 3, we were moving 2 hours away it would have really hit her very hard. Especially as she doesn't drive. They very much have an important attachment, and it would have been of detriment to DD as well.

So I can understand both sides here, but as you say the plan was always for you to move back home and I think its important you do that and enjoy time with your family. And you can't live your life to please someone else. She sounds like she is expressing her pain in a very manipulative way. Hard to deal with someone like that I imagine.

Same thing happened in our family last year only kids had left home and parents moved. GrandParents kicked off with a capital K & didn’t stop the move happening just pissed their son off 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just calmly reassure her that all will be OK and that you'll still visit/invite her to stay whenever it gets brought up, and try not to get sucked into long conversations about it.

What utter rot. Houses aren't cheaper elsewhere because they are shit holes. The south is expensive because everyone has caught into the south is better crap.

Currently living in Kent near h parents. Soon to be moving, alone, back home. Up north..

Bereft is an extreme response. It’s not ok for her to behave like this. She’s allowed to be sad but not to create drama or use emotional blackmail.

Very manipulative step. My MIL is the same, making drama of everything - even of a simple sentence used (drama comes hours or days after the conversation). Only way worked for me is to not making any attention to it, time and distance makes it better. You are adults and could make your own choices.