MIL crisis - moving away

[AnonRR]

I moved to London for University with every intention of moving back home near my family once I'd finished... Alas, met a boy, fell in love, got married and for the past 11 years, have found myself living closer and closer to DH's family in Kent. One DD later (3) and another on the way, I've found myself becoming more and more depressed that I'm going to be expected to live here for the rest of my life and quite recently had a bit of a breakdown to DH about it. He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc. However MIL is acting like someone's died and has locked herself in her room crying since she found out. She won't really talk to me but is being incredibly nasty to my DH saying things like "Don't take my grandchildren away from me" and "Can't you just wait until I die?" Whilst I sympathise that she will miss my DD (she looks after her once a week), I'm so scared my relationship with her is going to be ruined forever because I am getting more and more angry at how she's behaving towards us, when we should be able to move to the other side of the world should we want to! I already resent her for me living here so long already (we've both been too scared to broach the subject with her for years) and ironically, would make more of an effort to see them, if we didn't live round the corner, which I hate! Please help me to help her... before she ruins our relationship for good...

I'm in a similar position to you OP (but with no plans to move closer to my family) yet I still kind of agree with this post. Sounds like she has some sort of abandonment trauma - or is her life quite empty aside from her kids? None of this is your problem and you should absolutely move and ignore her displays, but as you say she's lovely apart from these situations, it might help you to keep in mind that she's probably not choosing to be so unempathic- sounds like her empathy breaks down when she feels her family bonds are threatened (which is not rational, and again not your problem, but probably rooted in some relational trauma). It's a difficult situation to weather so stay strong!

This your life, your family's life. As you say, you've done you Southern stint.
Make a lovely, happy life for yourselves
You MIL will get over it. Point out you could be moving to Australia, so every cloud, etc...

Surely your children moving your grandchildren away is something that all grandparents should be aware of as a possibility? Being attached to your grandchildren does not mean that all rights for the parents to do what is right for them are just overridden?

Nobody is saying she shouldn't be allowed to feel sad that her grandchild is moving 1.5 hours up the road. Of course she'll miss her at first.

The bit that absolutely does, objectively, sound nuts is the fact that she is expressing this by:

• Locking herself in her room and crying
• Saying nasty things to her son and her DIL
• Accusing them of 'taking away her grandchild'
• Demanding that they continue to live on her doorstep until she dies

None of that is normal, reasonable or sane adult behaviour. She's behaving like a selfish child. She is also not giving the slightest thought to the fact that her son and daughter-in-law have lived close to her for 11 years and she's seen absolutely loads of her grandchild, but that the OP's mother has not had that luxury at all and that maybe, just maybe, the OP's family ALSO FUCKING MATTER and that her MIL cannot possibly expect her adult son and his partner to make their life choices solely for her benefit.

I would be devastated if my DD decided to move a couple of hours away with my Grandson, I have him before and after school 4 days a week, after having him every week day from 9 months to 2 years

The OP's MIL looks after her granddaughter one day a week, so hardly comparable. But if your daughter did decide to move, you would certainly have every right to feel devastated while you adjusted, but it would still be utterly unreasonable, unkind and selfish of you if you expressed that in the way the OP's MIL has with theatrical tears and guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation.

Is there an in between place you could move to so you are say 1hr from all grandparents so you don’t have any close by and can live your own lives without this stuff. They then all have just an hour journey each way and you all do to so can see each other for the day easily and she can have DGD at the weekend.

i’m sorry but that’s an awful idea

Oh dear OP your MIL isn't doing herself any favours.
I wouldn't give it much energy, give her a loving sympathetic hug, say you're sorry and that you'll make the effort to see her every month or whatever (early boundary setting).
And that's that, move on conversationally.

She sounds depressed, nothing you can do .

The point is I want to move "home" - not somewhere random. My family consists of my DP and Nan, that's it. So I've always felt like my absence was a big deal for them (although they'd never ever dream of voicing anything about my life decisions). Whereas MIL has loads of family around (aka the "Cult") which is probably why she is so bereft that we are actively not on board with living our lives as her nieces and nephews have chosen to i.e. all around the corner from one another.

No! You don’t pander to manipulation. It sounds like this MIL is an expert at it.

This "Wait until I die" comment - how old is she, out of interest?

69 - she's 70 in March and we've already "ruined her birthday". I'm not dropping in these quotes to have a dig... Just to demonstrate the variety of things she is saying to DH

for the fourth time

what does your DH think about his mum and is he as bothered about it all as you are?

surely you have much much bigger things to be channeling your energy in to at this time

aka the "Cult")

i take it you don’t have the highest opinion of DH’s family?

You need to stop discussing it with her
She doesn't get a vote here so don't let her think otherwise.

You need to simply proceed with the move and leave your husband to tell her it's happening and how she behaves now will determine how often he is willing to drive back with the kids.

Make sure he is telling her that he feels this way.

Don't get into explanations. She does not need to approve or agree with your move. You're moving. End of story.

It's a joke.... they're very close though! The wider family I mean

Her granddaughter will be starting school soon anyway, so the one day a week will go.

If it was me, I'd bribe my husband to tell her that she should be thanking you because he's really keen to move to Australia but you want to stay in the country. For now. Of course, if you carry on getting blamed by her then he might be able to convince you to change your mind and agree to the overseas move.

But I'm a cow. 🤷

Blimey, I'm only 3 years younger than her! She probably has several decades in her yet!

Not your monkey, not your circus. Crack on with the move, grey rock MIL and leave DH to deal with his mother.

Christ she could live another 20 years it’s not like she’s 85! You are just going to have to ignore her and help your DH develop a thick skin. When she says about your parents being younger ‘well nothing is guaranteed and it’s certainly their turn.’ Just ignore, ignore, ignore. And start looking at houses!

"Can't you just wait until I die?"

I'd be tempted to get my diary out and ask her to confirm a date.

But I wouldn't as that would be immature. Boo.

you really don’t want to tell us how your DH is feeling re this situation! 😂

She's absolutely insane

But that’s nothing like having him for part of one day a week! Your gs pretty much lived/lives with you full time. Totally different!

She's the same age as me and I have at least two (now deceased) relatives who lived to be 100 - so OP needs to ignore this 'wait until I die' malarkey because it might not be for decades.